Reply to How to handle narcissist mother?

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "How to handle narcissist mother?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Read the book [i]Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents[/i]. It will help explain these dynamics and give you ways to avoid getting drawn into these kind of emotional prisons.

What I have learned is that it is not about trying to firmly set a boundary and then watch her to see if she crosses it. It's about learning to observe her behavior, identify what she is doing that is triggering me (which you are already doing, by identifying the golden child dynamic), and then using my observation to gain emotional distance. My goal is detachment, to view her behavior like I'm Jane Goodall and these are the curious behaviors of the apes in my study. It is hard, but the more I lean into observation and curiosity, the less likely I am to take bait or try to defend myself or engage in conversations that will leave me feeling confused, hurt, or misunderstood.

It also helps me to have someone to discuss my observations with. Right now, that's my husband. I had a call with my mother yesterday where she was herself, and then this morning while out on a walk, I told my husband about it and we discussed her behavior. He is supportive and good at listening, plus knows my mom and what she is like, so also receptive. And knowing I can debrief with him later make it easier for me to detach when I talk to her, because if I start to feel my feeling elevate, I can remind myself that I will have an opportunity later to express those feelings with him. He will be a receptive audience, but my mother will not. Learning this has helped me create boundaries that I can easily hold for myself, without having to police them. I just know that if I want to discuss my feelings about something my mom said or did, I go to my husband. When I'm talking to my mom, I detach and observe. Those are my boundaries. I observe them. No one else really has to do anything at all, which is good because I can't control what other people do.[/quote]

Different poster , but I love this...especially the part about pretending I am Jane Goodall watching the curious behavior of the apes. I do this now without calling it that. I can basically predict the behaviors, just don't always know when they are coming. Occasionally she throws something new at me...you know how those apes can be. I stopped defending myself even calmly and politely. Maybe occasionally, but mostly I detach, say something polite like "sounds like you had a lovely time with Larlo" and then if starts getting annoying I politely exit stage left.

My mother falls in love with other people's adult children. I know these people and know she is presenting them in a 1 dementional way. I know they are not the perfect saints she portrays them to be, but it is not my place to dispute. I just say "Sounds great. Yes, that's wonderful she did x, y and z, for her mother. mmm hmmm."[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics