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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am so sorry you went through that. This is not an uncommon story.People's public personas can be very different that their private behavior. I have found Dr. Ramani's youtube videos on narcissism helpful. I gave up trying to convince anyone my mother is different in private. now I just say "That is great that you get to see that side of her" and leave it at that. It's easy to wonder "why did she chose me as her scapegoat" and the answer is "because she is a limited and mentally unhealthy person." Have no or low expectation for her. Detach from her. Imagine a body of armor where her nastiness bounces right off. Don't let her get too close. Keep conversations superficial and have boundaries. [b]Have boundaries with those who adore her. Fangirlz have their own issues and most savvy people know abusers can be quite charming[/b].

You didn't deserve this. You have a right to protect yourself. Have a game plan for the next time she insults you...change subject or end convo and leave. Do not confront her...she will deny and gaslight you. Just have your limits and exit stage left. Always remain calm and in control. Disturbed people love emotion and it feeds the beast. 
" [/quote]

This is all good advice, but the bolded really jumps out at me. One thing I have had to learn is that many of the people my narcissist parent mentors and dotes on are engaging in a different sort of abusive relationship. For me, the abuse was neglect and emotional distance (plus occasional fits of violent anger). I used to be so jealous of the young people who came through our lives that my parent appeared to love more than me. But what I've learned is that most people are simply replaying the trauma they experienced in childhood in some way or another, and that the often sycophantic nature of these mentees (including a refusal to acknowledge that my parent might have any flaws or have ever done anything wrong) were likely drawn to that role due to trauma in their own background. I used to have so much resentment but that's gone now. I am glad I can see my parent and our relationship for what they are, and I hope these other people find safe ways to do the same one day.

I used to fight detachment as a strategy, but now that I've figured out how to do it, I can't recommend it enough. It took me years to untangle the emotions enough to be able to detach -- there were so many layers of guilt and obligation and self-hatred. But now I feel so much peace. My parent will do and say trigging things pretty much any time we interact, and I can just observe the emotion rising in response, observe myself deploying a coping mechanism, and then watch the emotion recede. I'm not a Buddhist but that's what it feels like to me. I feel like I am finally free.[/quote]

Thank you for sharing. Do you feel now that you can have a relationship with  your parent/s? [/quote]

Yes. It is a pretty superficial relationship, but we are not estranged. We can even enjoy time together a bit. But I have learned not to expect any more than that, and to hold my boundaries.

I also learned that even though we are not close, my parent will claim a close relationship with me to others, as it feeds their public persona. I’ve learned not to let this bother me either. Again: detach, detach, detach. It’s not about me and I don’t want it to be. My parent can carry the burden of their behavior without my involvement.[/quote]

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