Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry you went through that. This is not an uncommon story.People's public personas can be very different that their private behavior. I have found Dr. Ramani's youtube videos on narcissism helpful. I gave up trying to convince anyone my mother is different in private. now I just say "That is great that you get to see that side of her" and leave it at that. It's easy to wonder "why did she chose me as her scapegoat" and the answer is "because she is a limited and mentally unhealthy person." Have no or low expectation for her. Detach from her. Imagine a body of armor where her nastiness bounces right off. Don't let her get too close. Keep conversations superficial and have boundaries. Have boundaries with those who adore her. Fangirlz have their own issues and most savvy people know abusers can be quite charming.

You didn't deserve this. You have a right to protect yourself. Have a game plan for the next time she insults you...change subject or end convo and leave. Do not confront her...she will deny and gaslight you. Just have your limits and exit stage left. Always remain calm and in control. Disturbed people love emotion and it feeds the beast.
"

This is all good advice, but the bolded really jumps out at me. One thing I have had to learn is that many of the people my narcissist parent mentors and dotes on are engaging in a different sort of abusive relationship. For me, the abuse was neglect and emotional distance (plus occasional fits of violent anger). I used to be so jealous of the young people who came through our lives that my parent appeared to love more than me. But what I've learned is that most people are simply replaying the trauma they experienced in childhood in some way or another, and that the often sycophantic nature of these mentees (including a refusal to acknowledge that my parent might have any flaws or have ever done anything wrong) were likely drawn to that role due to trauma in their own background. I used to have so much resentment but that's gone now. I am glad I can see my parent and our relationship for what they are, and I hope these other people find safe ways to do the same one day.

I used to fight detachment as a strategy, but now that I've figured out how to do it, I can't recommend it enough. It took me years to untangle the emotions enough to be able to detach -- there were so many layers of guilt and obligation and self-hatred. But now I feel so much peace. My parent will do and say trigging things pretty much any time we interact, and I can just observe the emotion rising in response, observe myself deploying a coping mechanism, and then watch the emotion recede. I'm not a Buddhist but that's what it feels like to me. I feel like I am finally free.

Thank you for sharing. Do you feel now that you can have a relationship with your parent/s?

Yes. It is a pretty superficial relationship, but we are not estranged. We can even enjoy time together a bit. But I have learned not to expect any more than that, and to hold my boundaries.

I also learned that even though we are not close, my parent will claim a close relationship with me to others, as it feeds their public persona. I’ve learned not to let this bother me either. Again: detach, detach, detach. It’s not about me and I don’t want it to be. My parent can carry the burden of their behavior without my involvement.

This is my mother. I’m doing gray rock and limiting contact

[quote=Anonymous][quote].....was perceived as an unappreciative and ungrateful child....[/quote]

This really resonated with me. My mother is similar to yours except, now that she's 80 and has outlived 2 DHs, she's more reflective of her behavior and willing to acknowledge it. Yet, she will still drop everything to respond to someone else's need rather than her family's. Just a couple years ago, we (incl my kids who are her only bio-grand kids) were supposed to drive out to visit (it's a 10 hour drive), spend the week with her at the stepson's house. A week before we were supposed to leave, she tells me that she would be staying at her stepson's house for the week (45 minutes away) to stay with his DD while he and his DW went on a cruise. I asked why the child could stay with us at her house. She was about the same age as my kids. Her response was that the child would be more comfortable in her own home and that her stepson wanted someone in the house. We hadn't seen her in 2 years, were coming at her invitation and she was going to be housesitting/babysitting for someone else while we were there. I knew from experience what would happen. My mother would prioritize the other child over us. Now that I'm an adult and have 'agency', I chose not to participate and cancelled the trip.

I really don't have advice for you. My kids (all teenagers) have known about the challenges my siblings and I had growing up and can understand she's a much better grandmother than a mother. They are old enough now to catch glimpses of her behaviors. I've had a lot of therapy of the years to help be better understand, articulate and react more rationally (rather than emotionally) to situations. I'm clear on my boundaries and refuse to respond to her emotions (from your OP, you mother is still manipulating you). I recognize that I deserved better and don't care if my mother's community thinks my siblings and I are unappreciative and ungrateful. We know the truth - which is why I support one sibling's decision to have limited and carefully managed contact with her. Hugs. [/quote]

This hits home. My mom is very similar and always dismissed me. She was supposed to visit over the weekend-kids were sooo excited- but my sister who she favors wanted to come to her house so she cancelled her visit here. She never explained why, I only know because I can see her pictures with my sister and kids at pumpkin patch on Instagram. Im trying not to be angry or think about all these similar scenarios that played out over our childhood and later but it stings. All I can do is try not to repeat the same mistakes I guess.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry you went through that. This is not an uncommon story.People's public personas can be very different that their private behavior. I have found Dr. Ramani's youtube videos on narcissism helpful. I gave up trying to convince anyone my mother is different in private. now I just say "That is great that you get to see that side of her" and leave it at that. It's easy to wonder "why did she chose me as her scapegoat" and the answer is "because she is a limited and mentally unhealthy person." Have no or low expectation for her. Detach from her. Imagine a body of armor where her nastiness bounces right off. Don't let her get too close. Keep conversations superficial and have boundaries. Have boundaries with those who adore her. Fangirlz have their own issues and most savvy people know abusers can be quite charming.

You didn't deserve this. You have a right to protect yourself. Have a game plan for the next time she insults you...change subject or end convo and leave. Do not confront her...she will deny and gaslight you. Just have your limits and exit stage left. Always remain calm and in control. Disturbed people love emotion and it feeds the beast.
"

This is all good advice, but the bolded really jumps out at me. One thing I have had to learn is that many of the people my narcissist parent mentors and dotes on are engaging in a different sort of abusive relationship. For me, the abuse was neglect and emotional distance (plus occasional fits of violent anger). I used to be so jealous of the young people who came through our lives that my parent appeared to love more than me. But what I've learned is that most people are simply replaying the trauma they experienced in childhood in some way or another, and that the often sycophantic nature of these mentees (including a refusal to acknowledge that my parent might have any flaws or have ever done anything wrong) were likely drawn to that role due to trauma in their own background. I used to have so much resentment but that's gone now. I am glad I can see my parent and our relationship for what they are, and I hope these other people find safe ways to do the same one day.

I used to fight detachment as a strategy, but now that I've figured out how to do it, I can't recommend it enough. It took me years to untangle the emotions enough to be able to detach -- there were so many layers of guilt and obligation and self-hatred. But now I feel so much peace. My parent will do and say trigging things pretty much any time we interact, and I can just observe the emotion rising in response, observe myself deploying a coping mechanism, and then watch the emotion recede. I'm not a Buddhist but that's what it feels like to me. I feel like I am finally free.

Thank you for sharing. Do you feel now that you can have a relationship with your parent/s?

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry you went through that. This is not an uncommon story.People's public personas can be very different that their private behavior. I have found Dr. Ramani's youtube videos on narcissism helpful. I gave up trying to convince anyone my mother is different in private. now I just say "That is great that you get to see that side of her" and leave it at that. It's easy to wonder "why did she chose me as her scapegoat" and the answer is "because she is a limited and mentally unhealthy person." Have no or low expectation for her. Detach from her. Imagine a body of armor where her nastiness bounces right off. Don't let her get too close. Keep conversations superficial and have boundaries. Have boundaries with those who adore her. Fangirlz have their own issues and most savvy people know abusers can be quite charming.

You didn't deserve this. You have a right to protect yourself. Have a game plan for the next time she insults you...change subject or end convo and leave. Do not confront her...she will deny and gaslight you. Just have your limits and exit stage left. Always remain calm and in control. Disturbed people love emotion and it feeds the beast.
"

This is all good advice, but the bolded really jumps out at me. One thing I have had to learn is that many of the people my narcissist parent mentors and dotes on are engaging in a different sort of abusive relationship. For me, the abuse was neglect and emotional distance (plus occasional fits of violent anger). I used to be so jealous of the young people who came through our lives that my parent appeared to love more than me. But what I've learned is that most people are simply replaying the trauma they experienced in childhood in some way or another, and that the often sycophantic nature of these mentees (including a refusal to acknowledge that my parent might have any flaws or have ever done anything wrong) were likely drawn to that role due to trauma in their own background. I used to have so much resentment but that's gone now. I am glad I can see my parent and our relationship for what they are, and I hope these other people find safe ways to do the same one day.

I used to fight detachment as a strategy, but now that I've figured out how to do it, I can't recommend it enough. It took me years to untangle the emotions enough to be able to detach -- there were so many layers of guilt and obligation and self-hatred. But now I feel so much peace. My parent will do and say trigging things pretty much any time we interact, and I can just observe the emotion rising in response, observe myself deploying a coping mechanism, and then watch the emotion recede. I'm not a Buddhist but that's what it feels like to me. I feel like I am finally free.

.....was perceived as an unappreciative and ungrateful child....

This really resonated with me. My mother is similar to yours except, now that she's 80 and has outlived 2 DHs, she's more reflective of her behavior and willing to acknowledge it. Yet, she will still drop everything to respond to someone else's need rather than her family's. Just a couple years ago, we (incl my kids who are her only bio-grand kids) were supposed to drive out to visit (it's a 10 hour drive), spend the week with her at the stepson's house. A week before we were supposed to leave, she tells me that she would be staying at her stepson's house for the week (45 minutes away) to stay with his DD while he and his DW went on a cruise. I asked why the child could stay with us at her house. She was about the same age as my kids. Her response was that the child would be more comfortable in her own home and that her stepson wanted someone in the house. We hadn't seen her in 2 years, were coming at her invitation and she was going to be housesitting/babysitting for someone else while we were there. I knew from experience what would happen. My mother would prioritize the other child over us. Now that I'm an adult and have 'agency', I chose not to participate and cancelled the trip.

I really don't have advice for you. My kids (all teenagers) have known about the challenges my siblings and I had growing up and can understand she's a much better grandmother than a mother. They are old enough now to catch glimpses of her behaviors. I've had a lot of therapy of the years to help be better understand, articulate and react more rationally (rather than emotionally) to situations. I'm clear on my boundaries and refuse to respond to her emotions (from your OP, you mother is still manipulating you). I recognize that I deserved better and don't care if my mother's community thinks my siblings and I are unappreciative and ungrateful. We know the truth - which is why I support one sibling's decision to have limited and carefully managed contact with her. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of my mother who Was a professor and probably had hundreds of graduate students who worshiped her. She had an dedicated advisor to many. One time I attended one of her grad school parties and I was myself finishing my PhD. She turned to me in front of a crowd of her students and said a condescending voice, ‘remind me again what your studying?’ Years of her helping people graduate, publish and move up in their fields and she didn’t even bother to understand what her own daughter was doing.

Ugh. So sorry PP.

Thank you. As I started my professional career is just transitioned to her bragging about my brothers job, sharing everything about him on social media and then saying to me, “how your little job or projects going?” No curiosity about it after I answered. I’ve just given up. Now she attributed everything I’ve earned to my husband.

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of my mother who Was a professor and probably had hundreds of graduate students who worshiped her. She had an dedicated advisor to many. One time I attended one of her grad school parties and I was myself finishing my PhD. She turned to me in front of a crowd of her students and said a condescending voice, ‘remind me again what your studying?’ Years of her helping people graduate, publish and move up in their fields and she didn’t even bother to understand what her own daughter was doing.

Ugh. So sorry PP.

This reminds me of my mother who Was a professor and probably had hundreds of graduate students who worshiped her. She had an dedicated advisor to many. One time I attended one of her grad school parties and I was myself finishing my PhD. She turned to me in front of a crowd of her students and said a condescending voice, ‘remind me again what your studying?’ Years of her helping people graduate, publish and move up in their fields and she didn’t even bother to understand what her own daughter was doing.

Your mother didn't just fail you. Your community failed you by not believing you, and I think your hurt from that is displaced and pointed towards your mother.

My friend's husband is a doctor. And when his kids scrape their knee or bang their elbow, he's dismissive of their crying. They don't want him to perform surgery like he does for his patients - they wanted him to empathize and comfort them and dry tears. It sounds like your mom was like "I can't have sympathy for my daughter being sad that a girl at school made fun of her shirt when I just did therapy on a girl whose mother burned her face". Also, your mom may have used up all her empathy on her patients and not saved any for you.

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry you went through that. This is not an uncommon story.People's public personas can be very different that their private behavior. I have found Dr. Ramani's youtube videos on narcissism helpful. I gave up trying to convince anyone my mother is different in private. now I just say "That is great that you get to see that side of her" and leave it at that. It's easy to wonder "why did she chose me as her scapegoat" and the answer is "because she is a limited and mentally unhealthy person." Have no or low expectation for her. Detach from her. Imagine a body of armor where her nastiness bounces right off. Don't let her get too close. Keep conversations superficial and have boundaries. Have boundaries with those who adore her. Fangirlz have their own issues and most savvy people know abusers can be quite charming.

You didn't deserve this. You have a right to protect yourself. Have a game plan for the next time she insults you...change subject or end convo and leave. Do not confront her...she will deny and gaslight you. Just have your limits and exit stage left. Always remain calm and in control. Disturbed people love emotion and it feeds the beast.
"

DP But this is great advice. Thanks for writing it out so well

My mom is a worse grandma than mom. I just accepted it and moved on. She isn't interesting in changing or caring about my needs. It is what it is.

Sounds like Leonard's mother in The Big Bang Theory.

I am so sorry you went through that. This is not an uncommon story.People's public personas can be very different that their private behavior. I have found Dr. Ramani's youtube videos on narcissism helpful. I gave up trying to convince anyone my mother is different in private. now I just say "That is great that you get to see that side of her" and leave it at that. It's easy to wonder "why did she chose me as her scapegoat" and the answer is "because she is a limited and mentally unhealthy person." Have no or low expectation for her. Detach from her. Imagine a body of armor where her nastiness bounces right off. Don't let her get too close. Keep conversations superficial and have boundaries. Have boundaries with those who adore her. Fangirlz have their own issues and most savvy people know abusers can be quite charming.

You didn't deserve this. You have a right to protect yourself. Have a game plan for the next time she insults you...change subject or end convo and leave. Do not confront her...she will deny and gaslight you. Just have your limits and exit stage left. Always remain calm and in control. Disturbed people love emotion and it feeds the beast.
"

How did you learn to accept this?

My mother is therapist and was very well known in her field prior to retiring. Growing up she was a pillar of social support for many people, particular low income families. She’s always been revered for generosity to so many families..now receiving awards and recognition etc. However at home I was her target to ridicule or dismiss. While she was out helping other women or families in need, she missed many my school activities, never provided any interest or praise for my accomplishments and didn’t protect me from her dysfunctional family and at times was physically abusive. A few times in my teenage years I had moved out to stay with other friends and family and was perceived as an unappreciative and ungrateful child. If I expressed my feelings about my mom I was always met with-How could I treat such a wonderful woman so badly? I was just never believed and am still not that my mother was very unkind towards me. I’m now a mother and she had turned out to be an amazing grandmother but I have difficulty moving on. When she spends time with my kids she still finds ways to be subtle critical or to compare me with my older sister. I have vowed not to repeat her mistakes and feel this has made me a supportive mother to my kids, but I still feel this anger towards my mother. We’ve tried to talk about it, but she just cries and says I’m mean and can’t move on. I’m at a loss. My kids want to be by her all the time but when I’m around I just am reminded that she never really liked me as a person.