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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote].....was perceived as an unappreciative and ungrateful child....[/quote]

This really resonated with me.  My mother is similar to yours except, now that she's 80 and has outlived 2 DHs, she's more reflective of her behavior and willing to acknowledge it.  Yet, she will still drop everything to respond to someone else's need rather than her family's.  Just a couple years ago, we (incl my kids who are her only bio-grand kids) were supposed to drive out to visit (it's a 10 hour drive), spend the week with her at the stepson's  house.  A week before we were supposed to leave, she tells me that she would be staying at her stepson's house for the week (45 minutes away) to stay with his DD while he and his DW went on a cruise.  I asked why the child could stay with us at her house.  She was about the same age as my kids.  Her response was that the child would be more comfortable in her own home and that her stepson wanted someone in the house. We hadn't seen her in 2 years, were coming at her invitation and she was going to be housesitting/babysitting for someone else while we were there.  I knew from experience what would happen.  My mother would prioritize the other child over us.  Now that I'm an adult and have 'agency', I chose not to participate and cancelled the trip.

I really don't have advice for you.  My kids (all teenagers) have known about the challenges my siblings and I had growing up and can understand she's a much better grandmother than a mother.  They are old enough now to catch glimpses of her behaviors.  I've had a lot of therapy of the years to help be better understand, articulate and react more rationally (rather than emotionally) to situations.  I'm clear on my boundaries and refuse to respond to her emotions (from your OP, you mother is still manipulating you).  I recognize that I deserved better and don't care if my mother's community thinks my siblings and I are unappreciative and ungrateful.  We know the truth - which is why I support one sibling's decision to have limited and carefully managed contact with her.  Hugs.  [/quote]

This hits home. My mom is very similar and always dismissed me. She was supposed to visit over the weekend-kids were sooo excited- but my sister who she favors wanted to come to her house so she cancelled her visit here. She never explained why, I only know because I can see her pictures with my sister and kids at pumpkin patch on Instagram. Im trying not to be angry or think about all these similar scenarios that played out over our childhood and later but it stings. All I can do is try not to repeat the same mistakes I guess. [/quote]

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