Reply to divorcing a man with borderline personality disorder

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dear OP-

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I am a school psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor in DC.  I do expert witness work and I do therapy.

I am also adjunct faculty at a local university....in other words I am legit and "for real".

I would suggest that both you and perhaps your attorney google "gettin better" by Shari Schreiber (sp?).  It is a great blog/website that deals with BPD and NPD and she does a great job describing BPD males to a tee.

I am glad you are getting out.  I had a "something" with a BPD male and it took me 8 months to realize he was BPD.  The disorder is underdiagnosed in men and over diagnosed in women (80 percent).  Why?  Because the men tend to present as charming and quite narcissistic and confident, bur underneath that surface is a swamp of dysfunction.

[b]These guys will lie, cheat, and steal all the time manipulating others and situations into making you seem crazy. This process is called "gas lighting" or "crazy making" [/b] Both BPD's and Antisocials (or what are commonly referred to as sociopaths) will do this and there is a great deal of overlap between these two disorders.  BPD, like NPD and the Antisocial lacks empathy and there will never be a real relationship between you two because of this.

If you need a consultant or expert witness, I will do the work for you pro bono.  I have done expert witness work in the past and I can give you references.  My name is Dr. Land  [/quote]

There is so much more to having BPD than lying, cheating and manipulation. Those are just behaviors and if that is all there was it wouldn't be a disorder...just a guy who lied, cheated and manipulated. The intention behind the behavior is not to make you crazy - usually the person is very emotionally unstable and acts in a way to try and stabilize their own mood or get their own needs met as it is a horrible feeling to be so out of control of how they feel. The problem is that their efforts to stabilize and control their own moods and the manner in which they go about trying to get their needs met negatively impacts others. Read some of the work by Marsha Linehan - she developed Dialectical Behavior Therapy as a modality to treat BPD (she has apparently disclosed she had BPD herself). The root of BPD is often a chaotic, dysfunctional or abusive childhood where secure attachments were missing and the child experienced rejection, abandonment, loss and didn't have their basic emotional needs met. Or there was trauma that shattered their assumptions about trust and attachment and what they created as new assumptions was very disordered. Ideally you can get your husband in with a therapist who does DBT - for the sake of the kids post divorce. BPD also tends to improve with age (late 40's and 50's) however by then there is too much damage and dysfunction in their wake to often to able to form healthy relationships.  [/quote]

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