Reply to Gender 'disappointment' - how do I get over this?

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[quote=Anonymous]I have a feeling I'm going to get eviscerated by comments on this, but maybe there will be some helpful replies so I'm giving this a shot. I'm too ashamed to bring this up anywhere IRL.

I have two beautiful daughters who I love so much. One is 3, and one is 6 months. I put "disappointment" in quotes because I don't feel disappointed that my second is a girl, at all. But I AM struggling with feeling deep, profound sadness that I will never raise a son. I thought it would go away when she was born, but instead it transferred itself into angst about whether or not to try for a third.

We are NOT going to have a third. It is not right for us. I know that I don't truly want a third, because if you told me that my third was guaranteed to be another girl I would say HELL NO. It's only the chance to have a son that interests me, and that's not a good or "real" reason to have a third kid. So I need to figure out how to get over this and be grateful for the amazing blessing that I have with my two girls.

I think this is rooted in two things.

One is that my husband is truly the best man that I know and I am very sad that we won't get a chance to raise another man like him in a world that (imo) desperately needs one. This is the part I think I'm going to get eviscerated for, but I almost feel guilty that I am going to put two more smart, deserving women into the world without 'balancing' them with a good man.

The second is that I have a really strained relationship with my mom, whereas my brother does not. Things between my brother and my mom seem simple; but with me it was always so difficult. We really drifted apart in my teen years and never got close again. I have this feeling in me that my daughters are also going to grow up to resent or dislike me. Like women think that "turning into their mothers" is the worst thing in the world that could happen to them - my daughters will feel that way about me and it breaks my heart. I feel like a son would still love me even when he grows up.

I don't know how to get over either of these issues. I am SO fortunate, and I love my daughters SO MUCH, but this is a constant nagging feeling in me that is preventing me from being fully present and grateful.

Before you write a nasty reply, pleas know that I already hate myself for feeling this way, and I am crying as I am writing this, so you will not be telling me anything I don't already know.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Has anything helped? [/quote]

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