Reply to My sister has turned into one of the trashiest people I’ve ever known & I’m heart broken

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[quote=Anonymous]It sounds like your family has been very supportive. You and your parents have done all you can to create a gentle landing for your sister if and when she decides to separate from her husband.

It also sounds like she has chosen to stay in her relationship. That may not seem like a rational or healthy choice to you, but it is a choice that she is entitled to make. People in unhealthy relationships choose to stay all the time. There are very complicated psycho dynamics at play that can make it hard for people to walk away, everything from codependency to Stockholm syndrome and low self esteem.

What you can do is set boundaries, show tough love. There aren’t going to be any more family vacations because you know they will not be enjoyable if there’s yelling and panic attacks. No amount of talking it out will change this behavior pattern. Think forward to holiday celebrations. If she is included, how will you limit your time together and structure activities so that it’s more pleasant than not? You can still see her children so that they get respite, but give yourself distance from your sister. It’s heart breaking to watch someone make choices that are not beneficial, particularly when children are involved. Seeing a mental health professional can help sometimes to deal with the stress and compartmentalize the things you cannot control.

I would, however, gently agree that “trashy” is not the most productive descriptor to use here. I definitely see how your sister’s behaviors are problematic. Yet, if you can move to a place of empathy and away from class-based pejoratives, it may help to avoid shame and help you to approach your sister with the best possible mindset.[/quote]

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