Can you start inviting your nieces/ nephews on trips/ visits with your family on some sort of regular schedule?

This could give everyone respite and show the kids there are adults who care about them. But you can’t trash talk their parents during the visits. That just puts them in a bad place.

It sounds like your sister is really struggling and doing a lot of collateral damage. Giving her space to get her own head straight might help.

Stop vacationing with her! Just stop, Op.

It sounds like your family has been very supportive. You and your parents have done all you can to create a gentle landing for your sister if and when she decides to separate from her husband.

It also sounds like she has chosen to stay in her relationship. That may not seem like a rational or healthy choice to you, but it is a choice that she is entitled to make. People in unhealthy relationships choose to stay all the time. There are very complicated psycho dynamics at play that can make it hard for people to walk away, everything from codependency to Stockholm syndrome and low self esteem.

What you can do is set boundaries, show tough love. There aren’t going to be any more family vacations because you know they will not be enjoyable if there’s yelling and panic attacks. No amount of talking it out will change this behavior pattern. Think forward to holiday celebrations. If she is included, how will you limit your time together and structure activities so that it’s more pleasant than not? You can still see her children so that they get respite, but give yourself distance from your sister. It’s heart breaking to watch someone make choices that are not beneficial, particularly when children are involved. Seeing a mental health professional can help sometimes to deal with the stress and compartmentalize the things you cannot control.

I would, however, gently agree that “trashy” is not the most productive descriptor to use here. I definitely see how your sister’s behaviors are problematic. Yet, if you can move to a place of empathy and away from class-based pejoratives, it may help to avoid shame and help you to approach your sister with the best possible mindset.

Op, I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I haven’t been there so don’t be have any advice but just wanted to post that you are completely justified in being stressed and worried about this and you sound like a kind and caring family member.

Will your sister do therapy on her own at all? How old are her kids? Can you and your mom offer to take them for some school holiday breaks to let them see what a normal home is like?

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she drinks to deal with her husband and takes the stress out on her kids.

I’d make it clear to her that when she decided to divorce the a-hole, she is welcome to stay with you or your parents. She needs a strong support system. If she continues to drink after that, that’s another matter, but my guess is that once she’s out of that high stress environment, she’ll calm down. BTDT.

Op here. I agree. And we’ve told her several times she wouldn’t have support. My parents live close to her and own several rental properties and have offered her a free house to live in if she wants to move out. They all live in my hometown so I have several contacts there I trust who are attorneys who have said they would speak to here for a few hours for free and if she hired them would do her divorce at a reduced rate. My mother is basically my sister’s part time nanny and takes those kids several days a week. My BIL telecommutes for his job which is based in a major city a few hours plane ride from our hometown so he he is either WAH or traveling for work. He is not a hands on dad. His own father wasn’t In His life and he was raised by his extended family who I believe were not very tender and believed in spanking, yelling, etc. so he only knows what he knows. He won’t go to counseling or parenting classes. They’ve been offered.

This is not a situation where we can just petition for custody. I have spoken to attorneys and LCSE about it because my knee jerk reaction was it is. But I was told over and over again it isn’t.

Sounds like she drinks to deal with her husband and takes the stress out on her kids.

I’d make it clear to her that when she decided to divorce the a-hole, she is welcome to stay with you or your parents. She needs a strong support system. If she continues to drink after that, that’s another matter, but my guess is that once she’s out of that high stress environment, she’ll calm down. BTDT.

Is her kids’ father in the picture?

OP here:

I don't live near my sister, my parents do so I cannot swing by to take her kids or help out. I live 3 hours away and have my own children with their own needs. I have tried over the years to be more involved and then my own marriage and children suffered so I had to make a choice and I chose my nuclear family. I am only one person, and I couldn't do it all.

My sister is married and has been gainfully employed for over a decade as a nurse. I don't believe she drinks on the job. I don't believe she is an alcoholic in the traditional sense (if there is one). She does however drink on vacation to excess and goes out with her friends regularly to party (taking Ubers).

She is married. My BIL is a jerk. He isn't hands on with the kids, he is mean, and probably calls her fat, lazy, etc. She's come to me asking for divorce help, I get her lawyer recs and talk to friends who are divorce lawyers and they wait for her to call and then she changes her mind and blames me for suggesting she break up her family. Rinse, repeat. She did this again just two weeks ago.

My husband and I have discussed stepping in for custody a year ago and spoke to LCSW and two attorneys and they all said we would't get custody and the children would be more traumatized at this point. My sister did agree to get my nephew into therapy for behavioral issues, but I think his parents are always yelling at him. My mother and I found out she's taken him out of therapy because it was too expensive. So we begged her to take him back and that we would pay. She won't get him tested for her public school system because I think he desperately needs a behavioral plan (whatever those are called) but she doesn't want him "labeled for life".

My father literally had shortness of breath and had to go to the hospital on Thursday over dealing with my sister's nasty behavior. My mother said my sister is on medication for anxiety, but it doesn't seem like it's working.

I can definitely access the situation, my 40 year old sister has turned into the "Cash Me Outside" Girl.

She’s likely depressed and has anxiety. And she can unleash around you guys and so it all comes out when she’s with you. You don’t deserve the abuse.

Anonymous wrote:So your sister is an alcoholic and your take is that she is trashy and unpleasant to be around. No wonder she drinks. Way to not be able to assess a situation

Oh please, it is not OP’s fault that her sister is an alcoholic.

So your sister is an alcoholic and your take is that she is trashy and unpleasant to be around. No wonder she drinks. Way to not be able to assess a situation

Way to unhelpfully judge your sister. She is clearly in a bad place mentally. She isn’t being trashy. She needs help.

She needs help. Is there a dad? Can your family get custody of her kids?

Your sister needs help. Try to help her get it.

I just got back from a multigenerational vacation with my parents, my sister and her kids, and I also vacationed with my sister and her kids a few weeks ago and she just ruined both trips for everyone with her behavior and I am so depressed with the person she’s become. she drinks heavily and is a loud, messy drunk. When she isn’t drinking, she’s still super loud, cursing, screaming at her kids for anything and everything no matter where we are (the pool, the beach, a casual restaurant, a fine dining restaurant, the lobby of a hotel, outside, everywhere). She yells at my parents, demands they pay for stuff. She is so cheap to the point it’s manipulative. Mommy mother, my children and I basically take over caring for her children on both trips because otherwise they’d be crying nonstop from being spanked and yelled out and wouldn’t have a normal childhood for a few days. Basically my sister now acts like she would be a great guest on Dr Phil or Maury. She’s 40.

My father is just beside himself with how my sister has turned out. My mother cries about it when she’s alone with me. I am really fed up with my sister milking my parents for so much childcare and money, for embarrassing us everywhere we go, and just being awful. Her poor kids. I am just so sad with the realization that this is how she is and probably won’t change.

Anyway I guess my question is has anyone else had a sibling turn out so differently, especially with a huge drinking problem? How did you deal? Did you even do anything. For now I am focusing on my own children and their needs but even they have said they never want to go on a trip with my sister again.