Reply to 13yo dd is horrible to 10 yo dd

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[quote=Anonymous]I’m speaking as someone who went through this as a child and a parent. I’m sorry if it seems harsh but I’m trying to be latter of fact rather than touchy feely.

You have to be the parent. If you need help, see a therapist. As a child, my mom was ill equipped to deal with this (mental illness in my family, young mother, her own abuse as a child made for bad role models, etc). She didn’t want to handle it because it was overwhelming and she told us to work it out until we were teenagers. Then she made us see a therapist and our therapist said she never saw two siblings raised in the same home score so differently on personality tests and be so conflicted. My sister and I didn’t become friends until after I moved out, married and had kids. Both of us resent our mom’s hands off style because she never fostered a healthy family dynamic.

As a parent, I was determined to break the cycle. My oldest has anxiety and depression. He lashes out at his sister. We saw a therapist and determined the rule would be that if either said something mean (name calling, shut up, etc.) the first time would be a warning, second time they lose their phone for the rest of the day, third time they lose pretty much all other privileges for the rest of the day. This means I have to be made aware of the infraction at the time. Younger dd has a habit of not telling me in the moment, then complaining weeks later that DS was mean last week and I didn’t intervene.

It took some therapy and retraining and it’s still not perfect, but it’s much better. Mostly DS needed to learn that he can’t take out his issues on anyone else. His sister is not his whipping boy.  We’re treating his anxiety and depression, we try not to push anyone’s buttons, and dd is better about telling me when he crosses a line. Consequences are swift and severe. There’s always a follow up discussion to figure out a) what was stressing him so much that he needed to lash out, b) how to help with that, and c) other ways to alleviate his stress is he doesn’t take it out on his sister (usually some sort of exercise and making sure he gets enough sleep). 
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