We have a similar problem with 11 yr old DD and 9 yr old DS. I have read so many books, seen a therapist, done online classes, it's so hard.

Whenever things get rude, I stop DD right then and there, and remind her "if you can be polite to your friends and teacher at school, if you can be calm with strangers in a store, if you can be respectful to your teammates and coaches, you can use the same voice and respect in this house with your brother who lives with you and loves you. this is your one and only warning. now you have the reminder, if you do it again, you are making that choice yourself and you will be immediately punished (insert take away phone, no watching show, no hanging out with friends, have her do DS's chores for him, etc, whatever is on hand for that moment). Do you understand?"

If she does it again, and many times she does, I must follow through. I must have this talk with her wherever we are (at a restaurant, in the car, even in front of other people). She's a provoker and button pusher. But she needs boundaries. And my son gets his feelings hurt all the time and it isn't right.

To the person who mentioned "extinction burst" I was told this too- when I finally tried to get a better handle my DS's defiance. You have to weather that storm- it's not a sign that your methods aren't working.

Another thing that helps (my DS has ADHD so it's really critical) is advance boundary setting. Lay out a simple set of family rules in plain sight that everyone is expected to follow. I would be specific- no yelling, no name calling, no put downs, knock on doors, respect privacy, etc. Do this in advance so that when consequences occur they don't seem arbitrary.

Also, if your DD is anxious or overwhelmed that needs to be dealt with as well. She's probably going through a lot of change/pressure right now. Some understanding will go a long way.

Have you read "Siblings Without Rivalry"? It is really short but has some good ideas that I have implemented that seem to work.

Given what you said about your home life, the next time don’t yell or discipline your DD. Instead, hug her and ask her to take a “time out” with you and hen sit with her and talk. She desperately wants your attention and in the overwhelm of your home this is the only way she sees to get it. This will not fix the underlying issues but it will stop the negative cycle for that day. Give your child and yourself that reprieve.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What can I do? My 13 yo, who is so kind to everyone else is so mean and picks on 10yo. If I discipline her it makes it worse and she accuses me of favoritism. It is ruining every evening we are at home and no one has activities after school.

If I were to be honest I would say it is an awful home life for all of us. I'm so overwhelmed. Nothing seems to work.

Maybe I just need to let this out.

Thanks for reading.

In psychology your older daughter's behavior upon being disciplined for her misconduct is known as an "Extinction Burst." In other words, when you rightfully discipline older daughter for bad behavior she is going to respond with a burst of worse behavior and protests of unfairness. You have to be willing to live through that Extinction Burst, OP, in order to get to better behavior.

When you discipline your older daughter for poor behavior, prepare for a couple of weeks of worse behavior, and prepare for her lashing out at you and screaming unfair! Continue to discipline her. That's the only thing that's going to stop her behavior. Every time you give up, you reinforce poor behavior.

Get to it, OP!

Anonymous wrote:What can I do? My 13 yo, who is so kind to everyone else is so mean and picks on 10yo. If I discipline her it makes it worse and she accuses me of favoritism. It is ruining every evening we are at home and no one has activities after school.

If I were to be honest I would say it is an awful home life for all of us. I'm so overwhelmed. Nothing seems to work.

Maybe I just need to let this out.

Thanks for reading.

In psychology your older daughter's behavior upon being disciplined for her misconduct is known as an "Extinction Burst." In other words, when you rightfully discipline older daughter for bad behavior she is going to respond with a burst of worse behavior and protests of unfairness. You have to be willing to live through that Extinction Burst, OP, in order to get to better behavior.

When you discipline your older daughter for poor behavior, prepare for a couple of weeks of worse behavior, and prepare for her lashing out at you and screaming unfair! Continue to discipline her. That's the only thing that's going to stop her behavior. Every time you give up, you reinforce poor behavior.

Without the specifics, why do you tolerate rude and disrespectful behavior in your home? If the older sibling has nothing nice to say to the younger one, she should keep her mouth shut! If the younger child is egging on the older one, she needs to be disciplined. This is parenting.

Pp here. We also treat his depression and anxiety with medication and therapy. It helps a lot.

I’m speaking as someone who went through this as a child and a parent. I’m sorry if it seems harsh but I’m trying to be latter of fact rather than touchy feely.

You have to be the parent. If you need help, see a therapist. As a child, my mom was ill equipped to deal with this (mental illness in my family, young mother, her own abuse as a child made for bad role models, etc). She didn’t want to handle it because it was overwhelming and she told us to work it out until we were teenagers. Then she made us see a therapist and our therapist said she never saw two siblings raised in the same home score so differently on personality tests and be so conflicted. My sister and I didn’t become friends until after I moved out, married and had kids. Both of us resent our mom’s hands off style because she never fostered a healthy family dynamic.

As a parent, I was determined to break the cycle. My oldest has anxiety and depression. He lashes out at his sister. We saw a therapist and determined the rule would be that if either said something mean (name calling, shut up, etc.) the first time would be a warning, second time they lose their phone for the rest of the day, third time they lose pretty much all other privileges for the rest of the day. This means I have to be made aware of the infraction at the time. Younger dd has a habit of not telling me in the moment, then complaining weeks later that DS was mean last week and I didn’t intervene.

It took some therapy and retraining and it’s still not perfect, but it’s much better. Mostly DS needed to learn that he can’t take out his issues on anyone else. His sister is not his whipping boy. We’re treating his anxiety and depression, we try not to push anyone’s buttons, and dd is better about telling me when he crosses a line. Consequences are swift and severe. There’s always a follow up discussion to figure out a) what was stressing him so much that he needed to lash out, b) how to help with that, and c) other ways to alleviate his stress is he doesn’t take it out on his sister (usually some sort of exercise and making sure he gets enough sleep).

Sisters are hard. They really are. I’m a sister, I have two daughters. We want them to be close and get along, but it’s hard to make them. The little ones take their cue from the older ones. So if the older one is crabby and not inclusive, it sets the tone. No advice, just sympathy.

Its something that should have been addressed years ago. You give her consequences and so what if she thinks you are favoring. You clearly state she is getting punished for xxx reason and its not ok to behave that way. Is she copying you? My sister was always nasty to me but it was indirectly encouraged by my parents who set it up that way and still do.

You’re very vague. What is your 13 yo doing and how is your 10yo reacting.

She’s taking out whatever is stressing her at school on your younger one. Maybe she needs to see a counselor. Thirteen is a tough age, but it doesn’t give her the right to hurt a younger child.

Can you send them both to see a family therapist? At least to get some coping tools.

What can I do? My 13 yo, who is so kind to everyone else is so mean and picks on 10yo. If I discipline her it makes it worse and she accuses me of favoritism. It is ruining every evening we are at home and no one has activities after school.

If I were to be honest I would say it is an awful home life for all of us. I'm so overwhelmed. Nothing seems to work.

Maybe I just need to let this out.

Thanks for reading.