Reply to anyone drop the rope with their spouse?

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[quote=Anonymous]DH is very career oriented - big job and big salary.  When we got married he was at a very intense breakpoint in his career and said his obsession with his work was just because of that and that he shared the vision for family life and partnership I wanted.  It turns out it wasn't any difference once he made it through that stage, that's who he is.  I don't think he meant to lie, I think he wishes he was the person he described, he's just not.

I spend a lot of time and energy cajoling him into engaging in family life.  Dragging him out of bed on weekend mornings to join in family outtings, asking him to come downstairs for dinner if he's home for it, reminding him to fulfill some domestic responsibilities etc.  While he sometimes he snaps when I'm doing it, he overall at least says he is glad I "push him to be a better person" and "kick his ass" to get moving which he is always happy he did after the fact.  Sometimes it works out and we have a lot of fun together, other times he's an ass and it just makes things feel lonelier.  I think overall he is glad I push him and is happier with his life for it when his inclination is to spend his downtown sleeping or playing on his phone.

I'm so tired of it and am just considering stopping asking anything of him.  I'd hire more help to take care of chores at home, make a career change so I could have the time to meet all the kids' needs, and just leave it to DH to engage with our family or not as he chooses.  I don't think the kids would suffer, he'd be like a 1980s dad, he can be super fun and engaged when he's not distracted by work and would spend a couple hours focused on them during the weekend, and I'd fully take on ensuring their need for stability, emotional support, and logistical needs are met.

I'm so tired of having to try to manage him into being part of our family so its tempting to just stop trying.  He can get out of bed when he wants on weekends and we'll go about our day without him unless he gets up himself and decides to join, join or not join for dinner, not be responsible for any domestic tasks etc. I'll no longer have to think how to kindly / funnily cajole him into participating.  But I also feel like it'd make him not feel like a life partner at all - more a financial supporter who is nice to fun around periodically when he decides - and that's really sad for a marriage.

Couple other data points - divorce isn't on the table, while there may be better partners out there (or no partner at all) my life overall isn't nearly unhappy enough to cause all the upheaval and damage of a divorce.  Also DH does struggle with anxiety and depression, he is on medication for it and is likely as good as he's able / willing to get (I imagine more CBT would help but he's not interested).  I think his running rate is having some depression type behaviors (wants to sleep a lot, fun activities feel like work) but his anxiety / depression don't swing dramatically or cause a lot of drama in and of themselves.

Any thoughts?[/quote]

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