Reply to Love DH, but feel like he's my third child.. which makes it tough to want sex

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[quote=Anonymous]I love my DH but it's gotten more and more difficult to respect him as a partner. He has been unemployed (by choice) for four years now. He quit his job of many years because it "wasn't fulfilling" and he spent the next three years doing, literally, nothing. (Going to the gym, playing video games, watching movies). Didn't look for jobs; asserted that since he had managed to save about $1 million and it throws off $50k/year income, there is no financial need for him to work and he has already  "paid his dues." I do most of the childcare and housework and also work full time, earning about five times more than his small income.

I think he has been seriously depressed, for reasons not related to our marriage but to a lifelong struggle with depression (and his childhood in a seriously awful and dysfunctional family), and I truly feel for him, and now he is finally in therapy. I have struggled to be supportive through all this, encouraging him to find things he's passionate about. He also struggles with anger issues: when he blows up he screams at everyone (including the kids) in an emotionally abusive way. As a result of therapy is has finally been able to acknowledge both his depression and the impact of his rages, and is starting to deal with this, and here too I have tried hard to support and encourage him. I do truly think things have been improving. When he is not depressed or angry, is is delightful and affectionate and fun to be with. He's now going back to grad school, which is a step forward, though it's still not clear when or if it will lead to a job.

Here's the problem: I just have zero desire to have sex with him now. Partly it's because the last few years have left me feeling like he's another child, not a true "partner": I love him and want him to be happy,  but at this point I no longer see him as an adult or someone I can rely on. And partly, he has always had some issues with sex: lack of confidence, some erectile issues, etc., needs specific kinky things to get aroused (not too weird, but also not really ever my thing), so even at the best of times, years ago, sex with him often felt kind of like "work": never simple, always required lots of time and effort on my part and a willingness to play along with his fantasies, since that was the only way he could perform.

At this point I just feel like: I don't have the energy or the inclination to coax him through it. We have not had sex for months but he just came home with Viagra... which is also good, I guess, in that he is trying. But I just... don't want to.

I feel awful. I do love him.

Has anyone dealt with something similar and managed to find good solutions? I don't want to leave him, don't want a sexless marriage, but also don't much want sex with him in the current situation. Is this just a hopeless situation?[/quote]

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