Of course it will hurt him. Just suck it up and make the best of it. Sounds like you miss the old days of boning and feeling desired. That doesn't last forever. You're a mom and a wife now. Act like it.

OP here. I am not repulsed by him or anything: he is in great shape (All those gym trips) and is attractive, he just prefers me in the active role... honestly I would lie back and think of England if that would work, but it wouldn't. I don't want a divorce... at least not yet... since he is actively working on his issues. I guess I just maybe need to find a way to talk to him about this: to let him know that sex feels like a problem right now, and it's not unrelated to his getting his shit together more generally. I am afraid that will hurt him though.

Anonymous wrote:I can see why you're not on the same page. Have you been married longer than 10 years? If so you will owe him child support and alimony. Nothing wrong with that but I would ask for 50/50 custody and mediation. Meet with an divorce attorney and find out your stats. Just pull off the band aid and do it. The longer you stay with him the more money you will owe.

That is not necessarily the case. Whether she will owe him anything will depend on where she is (VA and MD and DC have different laws), what assets each brought to the marriage, what his earning potential is and whether his low income is voluntary (sounds like it is) and who has physical custody of the kids (assuming both are their biological parents, which she did not specify). Women occasionally end up paying alimony to men but in this situation it's pretty unlikely, as his unemployment is voluntary and he apparently has assets of his own.

"so even at the best of times, years ago, sex with him often felt kind of like "work": never simple, always required lots of time and effort on my part and a willingness to play along with his fantasies, since that was the only way he could perform. "

It sounds like you are not necessarily repulsed by him, you just find him a bit exhausting and needy. Maybe you can just be sort of sexually available, but let him do the heavy lifting in that department unless you're feeling inspired?

As far as his lack of work goes, does he at least have any hobbies, aside from video games? Maybe he could get proficient enough at something that he is passionate about to the point where it makes some income.

Use a vibratoe and use your imagination.

Good God, people. OP didn't say anything about getting a divorce, but immediately gets a dozen "Divorce him!" responses.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you need family therapy. He's slowly dealing with his issues through therapy and now may be the time for both of you to go.

I've not been in your situation, but the above seems like the best suggestion. It's good that he's making progress in therapy, but he also needs to deal with the consequences of his behavior, including the toll it's taken on your marriage and you. I would approach his therapist separately and figure out timing and approach. Also, get your own counselor and therapist to work through your own feelings.

Good luck to you.

I can see why you're not on the same page. Have you been married longer than 10 years? If so you will owe him child support and alimony. Nothing wrong with that but I would ask for 50/50 custody and mediation. Meet with an divorce attorney and find out your stats. Just pull off the band aid and do it. The longer you stay with him the more money you will owe.

I couldn't be with a man that didn't work. Even if he had a million in the bank. And to top it off, you do the housework and child care? You feel like he is a child because he is a child.

I recommend a trial separation. Don't head straight to divorce. He either will care enough to sort things out or he wont and that's your answer.

I was married once before, briefly. I had been pretty chaste before marriage. Once married, I discovered he had weird sexual hang ups and trouble performing. Look, there are no shortage of men who just want to have sex and have no trouble making it happen and making sure that you get yours. And, things like working? That's basic. You could find a guy with a comparable salary to yours and immediately be much wealthier. You basically have nothing to lose.

It sounds like you had sexual incompatibility issues from the start that have been compounded by his mental health issues.

I really don’t see much hope for this marriage.

I would work on ending it amicably, and start arranging your finances to pay him child and spousal support.

Is there anything he could do to make you want to have sex?

Even couples without the issues you face will encounter lack of desire. Long term monogamy is hard, and even harder when you resent your husband. On one hand, you need intimacy, you need to feel desired, you need to see him make an effort, and other things.

On the other hand, sometimes you just need to have sex to want sex. Honestly, I love my husband more when he gives me regular orgasms. Love hormones are released and I’m not as resentful toward him. He’s no longer like a kid.

Here’s my suggestion. Tell your husband he needs to pick you up at the bar and try to get you to come home with him. Have some naughty sex. Hell, use fake names if you want. It won’t solve all your problems, but it might help a little.

Divorce him. Why would you remain married to a man you don’t respect, who is a bad partner, and you’ve lost desire for sex?

Show him your post.

Sounds like you need family therapy. He's slowly dealing with his issues through therapy and now may be the time for both of you to go.

I love my DH but it's gotten more and more difficult to respect him as a partner. He has been unemployed (by choice) for four years now. He quit his job of many years because it "wasn't fulfilling" and he spent the next three years doing, literally, nothing. (Going to the gym, playing video games, watching movies). Didn't look for jobs; asserted that since he had managed to save about $1 million and it throws off $50k/year income, there is no financial need for him to work and he has already "paid his dues." I do most of the childcare and housework and also work full time, earning about five times more than his small income.

I think he has been seriously depressed, for reasons not related to our marriage but to a lifelong struggle with depression (and his childhood in a seriously awful and dysfunctional family), and I truly feel for him, and now he is finally in therapy. I have struggled to be supportive through all this, encouraging him to find things he's passionate about. He also struggles with anger issues: when he blows up he screams at everyone (including the kids) in an emotionally abusive way. As a result of therapy is has finally been able to acknowledge both his depression and the impact of his rages, and is starting to deal with this, and here too I have tried hard to support and encourage him. I do truly think things have been improving. When he is not depressed or angry, is is delightful and affectionate and fun to be with. He's now going back to grad school, which is a step forward, though it's still not clear when or if it will lead to a job.

Here's the problem: I just have zero desire to have sex with him now. Partly it's because the last few years have left me feeling like he's another child, not a true "partner": I love him and want him to be happy, but at this point I no longer see him as an adult or someone I can rely on. And partly, he has always had some issues with sex: lack of confidence, some erectile issues, etc., needs specific kinky things to get aroused (not too weird, but also not really ever my thing), so even at the best of times, years ago, sex with him often felt kind of like "work": never simple, always required lots of time and effort on my part and a willingness to play along with his fantasies, since that was the only way he could perform.

At this point I just feel like: I don't have the energy or the inclination to coax him through it. We have not had sex for months but he just came home with Viagra... which is also good, I guess, in that he is trying. But I just... don't want to.

I feel awful. I do love him.

Has anyone dealt with something similar and managed to find good solutions? I don't want to leave him, don't want a sexless marriage, but also don't much want sex with him in the current situation. Is this just a hopeless situation?