Reply to How do you respond when your BFF confides in you about her marital problems?

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[quote=Anonymous]We’ve been friends since we were young and she is my dearest friend but we don’t live in the same city. She confides in me often about what has essentially been the same problem since the beginning of her and her DH’s relationship. From what she describes to me (and a few fights I have witnessed when we’ve all been together), when there is a conflict between her and her DH, he becomes cold and distant, will not talk to her or acknowledge her feelings. Sometimes he will go days where he is smoking weed, playing video games and not engaging with her at all. This causes her to blow up to the point where she screams, sobs and has panic attacks. She is seeing a therapist, taking medication, and they also go to counseling together.  She now suffers from anxiety and depression, but I feel like her marriage is exacerbating or even the main trigger of all the mental health issues. She never had these problems until a few years ago, and we’ve known each other 20 years.

My way of responding is to give her support without giving her my full uncensored opinion: that their relationship is toxic and her husband is conflict-avoidant and not capable of emotionally supporting her in the way she needs. I listen to her and and try to give support, saying things like, “I understand why that would upset you, it would upset me too.” I ask questions, do more listening than talking, tell her all the positive things about her when she is feeling down. Lately she is talking about how they want to start trying to have a baby soon. I want to scream at her to get out while she is still young so she can find someone who is more mature and who treats her better. I worry if I express what I truly think it will jeapordize our friendship, as a few times when I have been harsher in my comments, she retreated and was defensive of him. So I keep listening and trying to support her and let her know delicately that I think his behavior is not OK and her emotional needs are reasonable. What would you do?[/quote]

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