Tell her to have an affair with her neighbor. He could be her soul mate!

Anonymous wrote:Listen and be there for her. Not post the details online.

Yeah, this. This feels like a pretty crappy move

You can't really do anything but be a friend and listen. That's your role. If she asks you what you think she should do, that's one thing, but keep in mind that hypotheticals are easy, and she would be the one to have to go through all the consequences of taking your advice.

For that reason alone you should probably steer clear of giving suggestions. If things don't go well, she'll blame you.

She's the one who will have to decide what to do with her own life, and take responsibility for her choices.

If she wants a child, that's fine - but it's not going to strengthen this kind of marriage, it's probably just going to postpone the breakup. Having kids tends to make men show their true colors, either way.

Listen and be there for her. Not post the details online.

Two sides to every story and you have heard only one.

Anonymous wrote:Tell her in a gentle way. Don't expect a response, or maybe a bad one. But she will hear you and it may help shift her thinking at some point. I was in the same situation and I had several friends point things out. At the time, I glossed it over, but as time went on, and I tried to change the relationship dynamics and failed, their honesty and observations added to the cumulative effect. And eventually I realized I was married to someone who chose not to reciprocate. I;m divorced now, and so much happier. And I know I have real friends who told me the truth and stood by me no matter what.

New poster here, I’m curious what was the gentle, yet honest way of approaching it? Did your friends more so ask questions like “are you happy wth this dynamic? What would you advice your niece or sister in this situation? Would you be happy if this continued the next 20 year or so years and if not, what can you do to change it?” The idea that they aren’t telling you what to do but are trying to get you to think it through and realize that you do have some power over your happiness. Or did they approach more from concern/worry.

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her as much openly and honestly.

+1

Just be honest. And tell her not to have kids with him. They will just make it worse for her in a bad relationship.

This is how I am with my BFF of 15 years. She left her abusive husband last year. And then had heart break dating. I have no problem holding her hand and telling her it is okay and what I've learned. That when something seems off, you run. And it is okay if you never have kids. To take it from me, better to not have kids than have them with the wrong guy and be stuck with some jerk for life.

If she stays, be there to support her.

Listen, nod ... but don't criticize him.
Because when they'll get back together after the fights, you'll sound like a villain to her eyes.
Stay out of it. She needs to realize by herself this guy is no good.

Tell her in a gentle way. Don't expect a response, or maybe a bad one. But she will hear you and it may help shift her thinking at some point. I was in the same situation and I had several friends point things out. At the time, I glossed it over, but as time went on, and I tried to change the relationship dynamics and failed, their honesty and observations added to the cumulative effect. And eventually I realized I was married to someone who chose not to reciprocate. I;m divorced now, and so much happier. And I know I have real friends who told me the truth and stood by me no matter what.

Generally speaking, I let her know that I realize there isn’t much I can say or do to help her but I’m always here to listen and be a shoulder to cry on.

Seems like she is just as messed up as he is.

She needs to fix her own self and not find some crutch that will "support her needs."

When she's venting about this stuff, ask her if she just wants you to listen or if she wants your honest opinion.

MYOB. Continue being a friend, and stay in your lane because if/when it comes down to it, she'll choose her crappy DH over you.

I would tell her as much openly and honestly.

We’ve been friends since we were young and she is my dearest friend but we don’t live in the same city. She confides in me often about what has essentially been the same problem since the beginning of her and her DH’s relationship. From what she describes to me (and a few fights I have witnessed when we’ve all been together), when there is a conflict between her and her DH, he becomes cold and distant, will not talk to her or acknowledge her feelings. Sometimes he will go days where he is smoking weed, playing video games and not engaging with her at all. This causes her to blow up to the point where she screams, sobs and has panic attacks. She is seeing a therapist, taking medication, and they also go to counseling together. She now suffers from anxiety and depression, but I feel like her marriage is exacerbating or even the main trigger of all the mental health issues. She never had these problems until a few years ago, and we’ve known each other 20 years.

My way of responding is to give her support without giving her my full uncensored opinion: that their relationship is toxic and her husband is conflict-avoidant and not capable of emotionally supporting her in the way she needs. I listen to her and and try to give support, saying things like, “I understand why that would upset you, it would upset me too.” I ask questions, do more listening than talking, tell her all the positive things about her when she is feeling down. Lately she is talking about how they want to start trying to have a baby soon. I want to scream at her to get out while she is still young so she can find someone who is more mature and who treats her better. I worry if I express what I truly think it will jeapordize our friendship, as a few times when I have been harsher in my comments, she retreated and was defensive of him. So I keep listening and trying to support her and let her know delicately that I think his behavior is not OK and her emotional needs are reasonable. What would you do?