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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's really hard to not engage.  You're a grownup.  You can see how the other person should behave.  You keep going into this, hoping they'll change.  But they don't.  Things get better for a bit and you let down your guard and engage again and you end up disappointed.

It was really hard for me to not engage my mom.  Ultimately it was the best thing for me and our relationship got better as a result (no guarantees on that though) but it was sooooo hard.  It should be the way you want it - you deserve that.  But you're not going to get it and you're just going to hurt your head beating it against the wall that way.

So take a step back.  Maybe grieve the fact that you didn't get the mom you deserved.  It's all part of being the grown up now.  It sucks.  But it's the step you gotta take before things get better.  Good luck, OP![/quote]

Thanks.

I just have so much guilt. She is a good mom and a nice mom and means well, so I feel bad for feeling bad. But there is a void and it hurts. She once said to me that she and her friend had been discussing their adult children, and they remarked how wonderful it was that I had never been through anything "hard" in my life. Just amazing! Miraculous! Lucky! I was in my mid 30s and had absolutely been through some very challenging things, and she had been aware of all of them. That stung badly. Still does. [/quote]Pp here. I'm sorry, that really sucks.  I think now from the vantage point of time passed (My mom died in 2002) I can see how for all her flaws she did the best she could and I appreciate that now.  I can see how like her I am.  But I couldn't appreciate it while I felt controlled by her and when I kept trying to get her to change. I had to get the distance first before I could appreciate the things she accomplished and the way she cared for me in spite of her flaws.  But it's not fun.  Sorry.[/quote]

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