Talk to her way less often

I understand, down to the comforting MIL. I encouraged the MIL relationship, which led to some guilt, but on balance, I was glad to have that connection. MIL passed away a few years ago.

I think this is one of the hardest things about being an adult. I’ve realized my mom’s strengths and weaknesses and blind spots and it’s hard to reconcile that with my image of her as the perfect mom. Or at least the better parent.

I hope I won’t let my own kids down the same way but I know I will. I just hope they realize how much I love them. I know my own mom loves me very much, despite her other challenges.

I can relate to your mom. I have come to dread calls from my sister as every one is a litany of complaints and woes. She is a perpetual victim. I too have plenty of problems but I'm more inclined to share the good things. If I do, however, it tends to bring on a rush of resentment from her. Everyone has their own problems and oversharing is epidemic these days. Be sure you are sharing good news, not just your problems.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

Try to focus on and appreciate the relationship you have rather than continuously grieve the one you don’t. You had your teens and twenties to discover and accept your mom’s shortcomings. Now is the time to have made peace with it and appreciate what time is left.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard to not engage. You're a grownup. You can see how the other person should behave. You keep going into this, hoping they'll change. But they don't. Things get better for a bit and you let down your guard and engage again and you end up disappointed.

It was really hard for me to not engage my mom. Ultimately it was the best thing for me and our relationship got better as a result (no guarantees on that though) but it was sooooo hard. It should be the way you want it - you deserve that. But you're not going to get it and you're just going to hurt your head beating it against the wall that way.

So take a step back. Maybe grieve the fact that you didn't get the mom you deserved. It's all part of being the grown up now. It sucks. But it's the step you gotta take before things get better. Good luck, OP!

Thanks.

I just have so much guilt. She is a good mom and a nice mom and means well, so I feel bad for feeling bad. But there is a void and it hurts. She once said to me that she and her friend had been discussing their adult children, and they remarked how wonderful it was that I had never been through anything "hard" in my life. Just amazing! Miraculous! Lucky! I was in my mid 30s and had absolutely been through some very challenging things, and she had been aware of all of them. That stung badly. Still does.

Pp here. I'm sorry, that really sucks. I think now from the vantage point of time passed (My mom died in 2002) I can see how for all her flaws she did the best she could and I appreciate that now. I can see how like her I am. But I couldn't appreciate it while I felt controlled by her and when I kept trying to get her to change. I had to get the distance first before I could appreciate the things she accomplished and the way she cared for me in spite of her flaws. But it's not fun. Sorry.

OP, not all of your friends meet the same needs of yours. You talk to different friends about different things. Some are there for you in different ways. Nothing different about Mom. She a woman who can't meet all of your needs. She has her own personality, and frankly I wouldn't call it a shortcoming.

*lived

Op I totally feel you. My mom is a nurse and used to be so helpful and knowledgeable but now if I ask her advice (mostly sick kid stuff) it’s me being hysterical because we all loved through all of that. I stopped mentioning things about two years ago. On top of that she’s converted from a bleeding heart liberal to an angry conservative. Can’t discuss any current news topics, even school shootings. It broke my heart that we couldn’t talk about Newtown. Anyway, I’ve grieved it, gotten over it, then whenever we’re together for family events, grieved it again.

Yes there are many of us in the same boat.

The first thing you'll have to do is ditch the image in your head about the perfect mom on tv. The vast majority of parents are flawed, even very flawed.

I'd struggled with similar issues. Dad was engaging, would talk about anything I wanted to talk about, but mom, not so much. I'd mention a major achievements at work, international travels, etc., and her response would often be silence, or a total change of subject, or she'd interrupt me to tell me to eat more food. It drove me crazy.

But, during the most stressful times of my life, like the first 8 weeks of my second child's life when I really struggled, she was a rock and came to me unbidden and stayed by my side until the worst of it was over.

It took me a long time to realized that we were never going to be able to see eye to eye on most things, yet I wasted so much energy arguing with her and getting upset at her. During the last 6 months of her life I was still searching for answers. In the end I didn't get them, but it really didn't matter, b/c ultimately she was there for me, and she knew I loved her and she loved me, and that's what I'm holding onto.

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard to not engage. You're a grownup. You can see how the other person should behave. You keep going into this, hoping they'll change. But they don't. Things get better for a bit and you let down your guard and engage again and you end up disappointed.

It was really hard for me to not engage my mom. Ultimately it was the best thing for me and our relationship got better as a result (no guarantees on that though) but it was sooooo hard. It should be the way you want it - you deserve that. But you're not going to get it and you're just going to hurt your head beating it against the wall that way.

So take a step back. Maybe grieve the fact that you didn't get the mom you deserved. It's all part of being the grown up now. It sucks. But it's the step you gotta take before things get better. Good luck, OP!

Thanks.

I just have so much guilt. She is a good mom and a nice mom and means well, so I feel bad for feeling bad. But there is a void and it hurts. She once said to me that she and her friend had been discussing their adult children, and they remarked how wonderful it was that I had never been through anything "hard" in my life. Just amazing! Miraculous! Lucky! I was in my mid 30s and had absolutely been through some very challenging things, and she had been aware of all of them. That stung badly. Still does.

It's really hard to not engage. You're a grownup. You can see how the other person should behave. You keep going into this, hoping they'll change. But they don't. Things get better for a bit and you let down your guard and engage again and you end up disappointed.

It was really hard for me to not engage my mom. Ultimately it was the best thing for me and our relationship got better as a result (no guarantees on that though) but it was sooooo hard. It should be the way you want it - you deserve that. But you're not going to get it and you're just going to hurt your head beating it against the wall that way.

So take a step back. Maybe grieve the fact that you didn't get the mom you deserved. It's all part of being the grown up now. It sucks. But it's the step you gotta take before things get better. Good luck, OP!

I could write your post, OP. I never noticed how much my mom interrupts others with something she just has to say. I catch myself doing this sometimes and now I know where I got it. She is a horrible listener and always wondered why I never shared anything with her as a kid or teen. Thankfully, my DD shares a bit too much. But I will always be there to listen and I will respond with advice if asked. My mom is always trying to tell me what to do. Like I am still a kid. Anyway, I've found that I try to do the exact opposite of what my parents did and it seems to have had a better outcome.

People usually learn this in their teens, which partly explains why adolescence is a time when a lot of teens reject their parents and find their own identity.

You’re a laaate bloomer.

My mom has always been there for me and still is. But I have noticed in the past several years that when I try to talk to her about real adult problems, be it illness or professional failures or kid worries or emotional struggles, she just kind of doesn't care.

Every thing of substance that I try to talk to her about gets one of two responses.
- "Everything happens for a reason." or "Everything works out in the end." This means the discussion is over.
- She makes it about her. Here's a made-up example "Mom, DH has a suspicious mass on his foot and needs a biopsy next week. I am so scared." Mom says "I know. It will all work out. That reminds me of when I broke my ankle. Do you know it still hurts when it rains? I have to go to the doctor next week to check on it. Don't worry, I'll be fine."

It is maddening in that I am 40 years old and I can not stop myself from talking to my mom about these things, yet I know these are the responses I will get. My dad actually engages, and that is nice, but I crave a relationship with my mom where we can really talk about more than surface-level stuff or how she was offended at work yet again. I understand 60-something women sometimes get like this, but it's sad to me that my mom will never be the mom from tv who can sit down over coffee and hug me and depart sage advice. Maybe she never did? I don't know anymore. My MIL would do that, but I don't have interest in that bond with her (it feels like cheating I guess?).

I don't know what I am looking for but I bet a lot of other DCUMers experience this too.