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[quote=Anonymous]Hopefully I can keep this relatively short--DH's mom died decades ago and my FIL didn't date for many years after her death.  For the past 15 years, give or take, he has been in a relationship.  His GF (they live together, aren't married and I suspect never will be) struck me in the first years I knew her as a lovely person.  She is overall a high strung/anxious person but neither DH or I ever had any conflict with her until we started having kids.

My BIL and SIL have 3 kids, oldest is 12.  DH and I have 2 kids, oldest is 10.  I would say that initially the GF was pleased--seemed to like meeting our kids as babies, happy to host us--definitely not as over the moon as my FIL, who often came to visit without her, but happy enough to be...something?  She is absolutely not a grandma and has made that clear but that's not an issue.

Over the years, DH and my BIL/SIL and I have begun feeling progressively less welcome by GF.  This started several years back--ie when our kids were babies/toddlers we were told we could not attend certain family events like her kids' bar mitzvahs.  Fine!  We also would get detailed and slightly beleaguered emails before a visit--wanting very specific shopping lists, meal plans, etc.  Also fine--I get that hosting a family of 4-5 can be a lot (though DH and FIL have both resisted my hinting or outright asking to stay in hotel).

In more recent years, it's gotten much more intense--meaning that if we visit and stay in a hotel we are told we cannot be in their home outside of very specific hours--it's never "stop in for lunch" but rather "do not show up before 12pm and plan to leave by 2pm."  She might phrase it slightly more nicely and it's usually conveyed in a halfhearted way by FIL but there are times we've gone for a weekend and been told we cannot be in their home for more than 3-4 hours.

This year, she hosted a party and told us they'd love to include us and all of the grandkids.  We made plans to go for the weekend, it's a 4-5 hour drive.  As the date neared, long story short, she revoked the kids' invites.  We know no sitters in the area and in the end DH went and the kids and I sat out.  Now, DH has found out that FIL and GF host an annual barbecue which includes all aunts and uncles, and this year most cousins, but we will not be invited bc they do not want kids to attend.

In large part, I feel like I can stay out of this.  I feel sad for my DH who does not have a mother anymore, and this underscores how disappointing it is that his mom will never meet our kids and died before becoming a grandma.  And I feel bad for my FIL who is a very doting grandpa who is seeing his grandkids (all of them) less and less often bc of how GF treats us.  But I also feel like...this is his choice.

At this point, my dilemma is, how nice do I have to be to GF?  She has made it clear in so many ways that she finds my kids and nephews/niece to be a hassle and does not seem to be interested in having a relationship with any of them beyond the most basic pleasantries.  At this point my sense is that she doesn't care all that much for me either (not as sure about DH or BIL/SIL as I have not witnessed as many interactions with them).  But do I suck it up and treat her like part of one big happy family anyway...?  We don't host any holiday gatherings and have included her and her kids in any big events (wedding, etc).  Do I keep going to visit and indulge her increasingly extensive demands and chilly behavior towards my kids?  [/quote]

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