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[quote=Anonymous]I'm so sorry, OP. I can understand the pain you are going through. It is a difficult period of grieving to realize that a mother is not capable of empathy and behaving in loving ways.

I think a lot of us struggle with a feeling of responsibility to help other family members and maintain a relationship with them; it is certainly a theme that can come up in responses here on DCUM. For me, the turning point was seeing that some people in my life appeared to be choosing to be so unhappy. It wasn't about problem solving for them, more about having something to complain about or use to control other people. I also analyzed my piece of the relationship. I realized that in some cases, I only kept in touch because of fear, obligation, and/or guilt. These reasons for attachment are called FOG, an acronym coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, and they are the hallmarks of unhealthy relationships. In fact, they are often the sign of transactional dynamics and emotional abuse.

Getting out of FOG-y relationships is about more than dropping the dead weight. It can release deep stress and help you calm your nervous system. You may read or hear about people calling this process "going no contact." I mention that because it might be useful to look up that phrase for tips on the process and to find out more about others' experience with it. There is, however, grief that tends to go along with ending contact. I mention that not to dissuade you from it. Rather, it's useful to be aware that you are considering something that can feel like a heavy lift. Putting appropriate self care into place is helpful. You may find it useful to speak with a behavioral health professional before or during the process.

Last, a caution: I don't recommend going to counseling with your mom. Counseling works if there is a communication issue or a misunderstanding that goes both ways. Counseling can't fix someone who is determined to behave abusively or be manipulative. Some therapists are savvy about this. However, some emotionally abusive people are covert and can be charming with non-target individuals. If your mom falls into this category, she may be successful in using therapy to further blame and criticize you without changing anything about her own behavior. It sounds like this is her problem, not yours. It also sounds like dialectical behavioral therapy would be her best bet. That said, she'd have to experience enough psychological discomfort and believe that the cause were internal before she would choose that for herself. She's probably the sort who believes that everyone else around her needs to change.

Whatever you choose for yourself and this relationship, I hope things get better for you. Be well. [/quote]

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