I'm so sorry, OP. I can understand the pain you are going through. It is a difficult period of grieving to realize that a mother is not capable of empathy and behaving in loving ways.

I think a lot of us struggle with a feeling of responsibility to help other family members and maintain a relationship with them; it is certainly a theme that can come up in responses here on DCUM. For me, the turning point was seeing that some people in my life appeared to be choosing to be so unhappy. It wasn't about problem solving for them, more about having something to complain about or use to control other people. I also analyzed my piece of the relationship. I realized that in some cases, I only kept in touch because of fear, obligation, and/or guilt. These reasons for attachment are called FOG, an acronym coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, and they are the hallmarks of unhealthy relationships. In fact, they are often the sign of transactional dynamics and emotional abuse.

Getting out of FOG-y relationships is about more than dropping the dead weight. It can release deep stress and help you calm your nervous system. You may read or hear about people calling this process "going no contact." I mention that because it might be useful to look up that phrase for tips on the process and to find out more about others' experience with it. There is, however, grief that tends to go along with ending contact. I mention that not to dissuade you from it. Rather, it's useful to be aware that you are considering something that can feel like a heavy lift. Putting appropriate self care into place is helpful. You may find it useful to speak with a behavioral health professional before or during the process.

Last, a caution: I don't recommend going to counseling with your mom. Counseling works if there is a communication issue or a misunderstanding that goes both ways. Counseling can't fix someone who is determined to behave abusively or be manipulative. Some therapists are savvy about this. However, some emotionally abusive people are covert and can be charming with non-target individuals. If your mom falls into this category, she may be successful in using therapy to further blame and criticize you without changing anything about her own behavior. It sounds like this is her problem, not yours. It also sounds like dialectical behavioral therapy would be her best bet. That said, she'd have to experience enough psychological discomfort and believe that the cause were internal before she would choose that for herself. She's probably the sort who believes that everyone else around her needs to change.

Whatever you choose for yourself and this relationship, I hope things get better for you. Be well.

OP - your Mom sounds a lot like mine, except she was also physically and emotionally abusive to me throughout my entire childhood. We had a strained relationship in my early adult years and only started to reconnect when I got pregnant with my first child, nearly 10 years ago. Like you, my thinking was that I was doing it for my kids and that maybe we could work through the past and start on a better future.

Of course, nothing changed and I wasted so many years letting her ruin holidays, special events, vacations, etc. It finally took seeing her words and actions upset my oldest multiple times to shake me out of any hope of salvaging things. I told her she was toxic and that I needed some space. That was 10 months ago and I haven't spoken to her since. I don't miss her at all and have a new sense of strength and confidence that I've never had before. She has trashed me to all of my other family members (who live close to her, but a few hours away from me) and now I find myself basically cut off from everyone. Despite some personal gains, it's also very lonely and isolating.

I'm not sure if relationships with other family members are at stake in your situation, but something to consider. With my Mom, she is always the boss and it's her way or the highway. I don't regret my decision to cut off contact at all, yet am still struggling with how to better maintain other family relationships. Hugs

Dementia has lessened my mom’s negativity a lot. I’m never going to be close to her, but I make sure she’s taken care of.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op Here. Thanks for the replies.. I guess my real question is am I a terrible person if I just cut her out of my life completely? I don't see the value our minimal relationship brings at this point and causes me stress and anxiety in my own life that I don't need.

You don't even really need to cut her off in some formal way. Just stop calling her, unless you want to. If you don't, don't. I don't believe in grand pronouncements about these things. It if makes you miserable to talk to her, don't call her.

Yes that. No big "I'm cutting you off" speeches. Just stop reaching out as frequently. Stop returning phone calls as quickly. Make more time in between visits. If she asks why, don't give a reason. But also don't modify your behavior to assuage guilt. It's ok to just sort of let things fade a bit while maintaining low contact and seeing how it feels. You can always ramp it back up if you want to.

The problem with big "i'm cutting you off" speeches is that it can be very final. This gives you the room to ramp up, or further pull away, if that's what you want as you go forward.

Anonymous wrote:Op Here. Thanks for the replies.. I guess my real question is am I a terrible person if I just cut her out of my life completely? I don't see the value our minimal relationship brings at this point and causes me stress and anxiety in my own life that I don't need.

You don't even really need to cut her off in some formal way. Just stop calling her, unless you want to. If you don't, don't. I don't believe in grand pronouncements about these things. It if makes you miserable to talk to her, don't call her.

Toxic.
Narcissistic.
This is my mother also. I cut off contact years ago. Google “gray rock” if you can’t cut off contact completely.

Op Here. Thanks for the replies.. I guess my real question is am I a terrible person if I just cut her out of my life completely? I don't see the value our minimal relationship brings at this point and causes me stress and anxiety in my own life that I don't need.

I'd just set limits for yourself. Call her only as often as you can handle it--once a week, or every other week, or whatever works for you. She might complain, but she was going to do that anyway, right? If she's better in person, or if she's better with the grandkids, then maybe talk on the phone less but try to arrange visits in order to facilitate the relationship. If not, then don't worry so much about your kids having a relationship with her.

It was hard for me, when my kid was in fifth grade, to accept that my mother wouldn't ever be doing any more actual mothering because of her own issues.

It is very hard for me to set new expectations since they involve me stepping up and being the parent.

I struggle with this every week (since I try and call). It has been nearly ten years since revealing her inability to support me emotionally at all while my husband had cancer. I'm almost done being angry, but I still struggle.

OP - my advice to you is to decide who you want to be and what you want your kids to observe. Then do the behavior consistent with that. Stop fighting and just be the person you want to be in the relationship.

That person can be "cool and distant", " giving and caring", "kind", "done"... you pick it.

Just stop banging your head against the wall.

Sorry, OP. My mother lives in another state and I dread calling her too. While I'm not the target of her negativity, I know that as soon as she picks up the phone, she will launch into a laundry list of complaints about life...her health, describe every ache and pain in great detail, my father can do nothing right, my sister's kids exhaust her, my sister's parenting is bad, the house needs some kind of repair...and when she runs out of her own stuff, she'll start talking about friends/neighbors (whom I don't know) and their tragedies. If I suggest a possible solution to one of her "problems", she waves it away for finds an excuse as to why it won't work. I've suggested therapy as well and she won't do it. She exhausts and depresses me. So, no advice, but you're not alone and HUGS.

Anonymous wrote:Seriously could have almost written this post.

My oldest is a couple of years older than yours and I think the experience of having her/parenting has really triggered a lot of things for me in my relationship with my mom. It was bad bwell before kids but like you, I wanted to maintain the relationship for the sake of my kids.

Sorry, hit submit too soon.

The relationship has only gotten worse. We are barely communicating at all and and she hasn’t seen myself or the kids in 2 years. They wouldn’t recognize her if they were sitting at the same table.

It‘s really hard and upsetting. I am trying to separate her negativity from me but it is nearly impossible. She is only kind when someone else is around to witness it. A master at show.

Have you tried therapy on your own?

Seriously could have almost written this post.

My oldest is a couple of years older than yours and I think the experience of having her/parenting has really triggered a lot of things for me in my relationship with my mom. It was bad bwell before kids but like you, I wanted to maintain the relationship for the sake of my kids.

It will be hard to have any real relationship with a parent several hours away. I'd just lay low and keep keeping your distance

Should also mention DD is 2, so was hoping to try and have a relationship for the sake of our kids (2nd on the way). At the same time, do not want to expose them to this.

I am mid 30s. My mother lives several hours away and we do not speak very often. I can't remember the last time she had something nice to say or was truly happy. Each time I make an effort to have a healthy relationship with her, she reminds me why I don't try anymore. Everything is constant negativity and what you are doing wrong and stupid with your life. She is extremely angry and resentful and is "never wrong". I have offered to go to counseling together but at this point, I am tired. Anyone else dealt with this? Its extremely exhausting.