Reply to Fourth Grade DD -- how to instill gratitude and tone down sass/back talk

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So we spend weekend running to sport game for kids, take them to a family party of their best friends Saturday night, take her to the toy store , but at night she is fighting with her sister. After asking her to be nice, or we own benefit with friends, I express exacerbation that she doesn't appreciate how much we do for her, and her response is 'well I didn't ask to go to the toy store ' (which is technically true as I was running an errand there, but she had fun and went home with some free knick knack)

She is crazy stubborn, probably highly sensitive (so is always ruminating, hangs back on new social situations), and generally a hard working kid.

But we feel she is really lacking in gratitude for what she does have (and maybe we aren't best models - I can definitely get frustrated as working parents always living in a little chaos short of enough cash), but more importantly we need to quash this back talk/sass and maybe tone down stubbornness

Is this part of being 10? Tween attitude? Or are we doing something wrong? [/quote]

My son is 10 and going into 5th. We're seeing more drama and statements like the one you mentioned. Honestly, I am ignoring it and waiting later for a calm moment to discuss. Kids are still developing empathy and impulse control- it can cause them to say some crummy stuff to their parents. While it's not acceptable, demanding empathy "in the moment" is likely to produce even less empathy. Waiting until they have a chance to reflect may be more productive. 
When words become blatantly disrespectful (e.g. mean stuff directed at you), then you can simply say "I don't like it when people talk to me that way, and I don't go out of my way for people who are disrespectful. We won't be doing (whatever fun thing is planned) if it continues." Then follow through. That is "real world" talk and action. You're teaching her how you expect to be treated. [/quote]

pp here- for what it's worth, I don't think the issue is saying "no." I think this stage is developmentally normal for many kids. My son just came into our room and caused a lot of drama over some work that he doesn't want to complete today- we too, are on the strict side. What I did was work with the Ross Greene method to collaborate- I gave DS more choices within parameters of when/how to complete his work. It diffused the situation because he feels like he has more independence- which is starting to become the core issue as these kids get older. The fact that your daughter is little anxious and inflexible makes Ross Greene's book quite timely. Of course the kids he references have more severe issues, but the methods are universal. [/quote]

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