Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP - It sounds like your daughter is fairly ordinary. It
sounds like you really don't understand kids her age.

Model gratitude, and you might start to see it.

Expect some sass and imperfection. Don't make a nick nack at the toy store more important than it really is (you shouldn't have bought it). I know that it was always really hard for my kid to do errands after an athletic game. He was tired, and hungry dehydrated, and uncomfortable after giving his all on the field.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we spend weekend running to sport game for kids, take them to a family party of their best friends Saturday night, take her to the toy store , but at night she is fighting with her sister. After asking her to be nice, or we own benefit with friends, I express exacerbation that she doesn't appreciate how much we do for her, and her response is 'well I didn't ask to go to the toy store ' (which is technically true as I was running an errand there, but she had fun and went home with some free knick knack)

She is crazy stubborn, probably highly sensitive (so is always ruminating, hangs back on new social situations), and generally a hard working kid.

But we feel she is really lacking in gratitude for what she does have (and maybe we aren't best models - I can definitely get frustrated as working parents always living in a little chaos short of enough cash), but more importantly we need to quash this back talk/sass and maybe tone down stubbornness

Is this part of being 10? Tween attitude? Or are we doing something wrong?

My son is 10 and going into 5th. We're seeing more drama and statements like the one you mentioned. Honestly, I am ignoring it and waiting later for a calm moment to discuss. Kids are still developing empathy and impulse control- it can cause them to say some crummy stuff to their parents. While it's not acceptable, demanding empathy "in the moment" is likely to produce even less empathy. Waiting until they have a chance to reflect may be more productive.
When words become blatantly disrespectful (e.g. mean stuff directed at you), then you can simply say "I don't like it when people talk to me that way, and I don't go out of my way for people who are disrespectful. We won't be doing (whatever fun thing is planned) if it continues." Then follow through. That is "real world" talk and action. You're teaching her how you expect to be treated.

pp here again- yes, it can get quite punitive. When the disrespect gets out of control, maybe you can focus on one or two areas that are of greatest concern? For instance, if your DD is calling people names, using profanity (actual real profanity), or saying "I hate you" that is a much bigger deal than "tone" or sass. Start with the behavior that is the worst and address only that. My DS has ADHD and some issues reading social cues (we *really* deal with some major disrespect sometimes)-- we absolutely have to prioritize. Work on one, maybe two, issues at a time depending on the seriousness. If punitive is not working, then move to a reward system (earned rewards for behavior you like to see)- it seems juvenile, but some kids may need to revert back to this system as the hormones hit.

That is exactly what we did. Tried to let her sleep on it but no better this morning, and cancelled a bunch of Fun outings planned. This had been part of a larger pattern of 'smart talk'. Hard to think of examples but it's not outright mean, but things like telling her sister she was it part of the conversation or weaseling out of something by following letter not spirit. I hate having to patrol my words to not leave loophole, and we already limit them so much we will end up home every night and weekend punishing them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we spend weekend running to sport game for kids, take them to a family party of their best friends Saturday night, take her to the toy store , but at night she is fighting with her sister. After asking her to be nice, or we own benefit with friends, I express exacerbation that she doesn't appreciate how much we do for her, and her response is 'well I didn't ask to go to the toy store ' (which is technically true as I was running an errand there, but she had fun and went home with some free knick knack)

She is crazy stubborn, probably highly sensitive (so is always ruminating, hangs back on new social situations), and generally a hard working kid.

But we feel she is really lacking in gratitude for what she does have (and maybe we aren't best models - I can definitely get frustrated as working parents always living in a little chaos short of enough cash), but more importantly we need to quash this back talk/sass and maybe tone down stubbornness

Is this part of being 10? Tween attitude? Or are we doing something wrong?

My son is 10 and going into 5th. We're seeing more drama and statements like the one you mentioned. Honestly, I am ignoring it and waiting later for a calm moment to discuss. Kids are still developing empathy and impulse control- it can cause them to say some crummy stuff to their parents. While it's not acceptable, demanding empathy "in the moment" is likely to produce even less empathy. Waiting until they have a chance to reflect may be more productive.
When words become blatantly disrespectful (e.g. mean stuff directed at you), then you can simply say "I don't like it when people talk to me that way, and I don't go out of my way for people who are disrespectful. We won't be doing (whatever fun thing is planned) if it continues." Then follow through. That is "real world" talk and action. You're teaching her how you expect to be treated.

pp here again- yes, it can get quite punitive. When the disrespect gets out of control, maybe you can focus on one or two areas that are of greatest concern? For instance, if your DD is calling people names, using profanity (actual real profanity), or saying "I hate you" that is a much bigger deal than "tone" or sass. Start with the behavior that is the worst and address only that. My DS has ADHD and some issues reading social cues (we *really* deal with some major disrespect sometimes)-- we absolutely have to prioritize. Work on one, maybe two, issues at a time depending on the seriousness. If punitive is not working, then move to a reward system (earned rewards for behavior you like to see)- it seems juvenile, but some kids may need to revert back to this system as the hormones hit.

That is exactly what we did. Tried to let her sleep on it but no better this morning, and cancelled a bunch of Fun outings planned. This had been part of a larger pattern of 'smart talk'. Hard to think of examples but it's not outright mean, but things like telling her sister she was it part of the conversation or weaseling out of something by following letter not spirit. I hate having to patrol my words to not leave loophole, and we already limit them so much we will end up home every night and weekend punishing them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we spend weekend running to sport game for kids, take them to a family party of their best friends Saturday night, take her to the toy store , but at night she is fighting with her sister. After asking her to be nice, or we own benefit with friends, I express exacerbation that she doesn't appreciate how much we do for her, and her response is 'well I didn't ask to go to the toy store ' (which is technically true as I was running an errand there, but she had fun and went home with some free knick knack)

She is crazy stubborn, probably highly sensitive (so is always ruminating, hangs back on new social situations), and generally a hard working kid.

But we feel she is really lacking in gratitude for what she does have (and maybe we aren't best models - I can definitely get frustrated as working parents always living in a little chaos short of enough cash), but more importantly we need to quash this back talk/sass and maybe tone down stubbornness

Is this part of being 10? Tween attitude? Or are we doing something wrong?

My son is 10 and going into 5th. We're seeing more drama and statements like the one you mentioned. Honestly, I am ignoring it and waiting later for a calm moment to discuss. Kids are still developing empathy and impulse control- it can cause them to say some crummy stuff to their parents. While it's not acceptable, demanding empathy "in the moment" is likely to produce even less empathy. Waiting until they have a chance to reflect may be more productive.
When words become blatantly disrespectful (e.g. mean stuff directed at you), then you can simply say "I don't like it when people talk to me that way, and I don't go out of my way for people who are disrespectful. We won't be doing (whatever fun thing is planned) if it continues." Then follow through. That is "real world" talk and action. You're teaching her how you expect to be treated.

Anonymous wrote:So we spend weekend running to sport game for kids, take them to a family party of their best friends Saturday night, take her to the toy store , but at night she is fighting with her sister. After asking her to be nice, or we own benefit with friends, I express exacerbation that she doesn't appreciate how much we do for her, and her response is 'well I didn't ask to go to the toy store ' (which is technically true as I was running an errand there, but she had fun and went home with some free knick knack)

She is crazy stubborn, probably highly sensitive (so is always ruminating, hangs back on new social situations), and generally a hard working kid.

But we feel she is really lacking in gratitude for what she does have (and maybe we aren't best models - I can definitely get frustrated as working parents always living in a little chaos short of enough cash), but more importantly we need to quash this back talk/sass and maybe tone down stubbornness

Is this part of being 10? Tween attitude? Or are we doing something wrong?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we spend weekend running to sport game for kids, take them to a family party of their best friends Saturday night, take her to the toy store , but at night she is fighting with her sister. After asking her to be nice, or we own benefit with friends, I express exacerbation that she doesn't appreciate how much we do for her, and her response is 'well I didn't ask to go to the toy store ' (which is technically true as I was running an errand there, but she had fun and went home with some free knick knack)

She is crazy stubborn, probably highly sensitive (so is always ruminating, hangs back on new social situations), and generally a hard working kid.

But we feel she is really lacking in gratitude for what she does have (and maybe we aren't best models - I can definitely get frustrated as working parents always living in a little chaos short of enough cash), but more importantly we need to quash this back talk/sass and maybe tone down stubbornness

Is this part of being 10? Tween attitude? Or are we doing something wrong?

My son is 10 and going into 5th. We're seeing more drama and statements like the one you mentioned. Honestly, I am ignoring it and waiting later for a calm moment to discuss. Kids are still developing empathy and impulse control- it can cause them to say some crummy stuff to their parents. While it's not acceptable, demanding empathy "in the moment" is likely to produce even less empathy. Waiting until they have a chance to reflect may be more productive.
When words become blatantly disrespectful (e.g. mean stuff directed at you), then you can simply say "I don't like it when people talk to me that way, and I don't go out of my way for people who are disrespectful. We won't be doing (whatever fun thing is planned) if it continues." Then follow through. That is "real world" talk and action. You're teaching her how you expect to be treated.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with saying "no" a lot more often.

Maybe spending the weekend "running to sport game for kids" is leading to crankiness? Kids need downtime just like adults do. Why not cut back on over-scheduling every weekend and teach your children how to hang out, and relax? There's joy in not having to be anywhere on a weekend. Your daughter might be trying to tell you she's over-scheduled.

Anonymous wrote:So we spend weekend running to sport game for kids, take them to a family party of their best friends Saturday night, take her to the toy store , but at night she is fighting with her sister. After asking her to be nice, or we own benefit with friends, I express exacerbation that she doesn't appreciate how much we do for her, and her response is 'well I didn't ask to go to the toy store ' (which is technically true as I was running an errand there, but she had fun and went home with some free knick knack)

She is crazy stubborn, probably highly sensitive (so is always ruminating, hangs back on new social situations), and generally a hard working kid.

But we feel she is really lacking in gratitude for what she does have (and maybe we aren't best models - I can definitely get frustrated as working parents always living in a little chaos short of enough cash), but more importantly we need to quash this back talk/sass and maybe tone down stubbornness

Is this part of being 10? Tween attitude? Or are we doing something wrong?

Anonymous wrote:So we spend weekend running to sport game for kids, take them to a family party of their best friends Saturday night, take her to the toy store , but at night she is fighting with her sister. After asking her to be nice, or we own benefit with friends, I express exacerbation that she doesn't appreciate how much we do for her, and her response is 'well I didn't ask to go to the toy store ' (which is technically true as I was running an errand there, but she had fun and went home with some free knick knack)

She is crazy stubborn, probably highly sensitive (so is always ruminating, hangs back on new social situations), and generally a hard working kid.

But we feel she is really lacking in gratitude for what she does have (and maybe we aren't best models - I can definitely get frustrated as working parents always living in a little chaos short of enough cash), but more importantly we need to quash this back talk/sass and maybe tone down stubbornness

Is this part of being 10? Tween attitude? Or are we doing something wrong?