Reply to Giving Tree and Accepting Child with Autism may Never be Grateful

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]   I teach my children gratitude. We model gratitude in how we show it to others. We insist they do things like write thank you notes and cards and often I need to give my son with autism the words because it isn't programmed in. It hasn't become habit for him and I am wondering if the program will ever stick.

Parenting in general is well described with the metaphor of the giving tree, but I do think with most NT at some point there will be genuine gratitude expressed even if it's just a little "thank you for taking care of me when I was sick." I see it with my own NT child. I am starting to feel like with my child with autism, I will always be expected to give and protect and he will never get it. He is high functioning in many ways, but not emotional intelligence and I understand I cannot blame for the disability. To him I exist to meet his needs and I don't have needs of my own. . The smile, one of the few reinforcements I get, is because I know how best to do these things for him and his love for me is about me meeting his every need.

By a certain age I think most kids can continue to show love even if a parent accidentally forgets to pack a napkin in the lunchbox. In my son's eyes, I have disrupted his order and he is angry. He gets over it and does forgive, but I don't think he will ever understand my role and what goes into it.

As I ramble I also realize my husband does get to receive some of the programming. DS can show more love toward him freely without prompting. DH is a great guy and deserves that. I know this happens with even NT kids, but the expectations my son has of me are a mile high and with my husband they are much fewer and he is more forgiving.

Why am I writing this? I am feeling burnt out and I guess mourning and accepting the fact my role is giver and may not ever be receiver with him.[/quote]

You need to talk to your husband and he needs to address this with your son. You son can't learn these types of social skills by observation and can't intuit them. He can learn them by instruction, though. Your husband needs to teach your child how to show gratitude towards his mother.

[/quote]

Yeah, as awkward as it feels, I need to have this talk with DH again. I did have this talk after Mother's day. I got a lovely note from our younger son with a drawing. Our older son thought it was Festivas and he aired all his grievances that included things like moving his legos, not packing his favorite snack enough, etc. He then signed it "Sincerely" As selfish as it feels to demand appreciation, I had to tell my husband to check the notes and help DC say appropriate things BEFORE it is given. DH said he looked at it and told him he had to change it, and he yelled at him and said it was mean but left it at that. I explained that it's not worthy of yelling. Part of his disability is the challenge with empathy and while I as his mother will still be there for him no matter what, if he does this sort of thing with peers it is not going to go over well. It's a social skills activity. The one time DH reinforced it well on a birthday he then told me he had to give DS all the words. Did I need to hear that? Grrrr. DH is a good guy with friends, but I almost wonder if he has a tiny dollop of the social thing. He feels terrible if I am upset, but it doesn't occur to him that getting a list of grievances on a special day is worse than getting nothing from a child.[/quote]

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