Reply to Giving Tree and Accepting Child with Autism may Never be Grateful

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[quote=Anonymous]   I teach my children gratitude. We model gratitude in how we show it to others. We insist they do things like write thank you notes and cards and often I need to give my son with autism the words because it isn't programmed in. It hasn't become habit for him and I am wondering if the program will ever stick.

Parenting in general is well described with the metaphor of the giving tree, but I do think with most NT at some point there will be genuine gratitude expressed even if it's just a little "thank you for taking care of me when I was sick." I see it with my own NT child. I am starting to feel like with my child with autism, I will always be expected to give and protect and he will never get it. He is high functioning in many ways, but not emotional intelligence and I understand I cannot blame for the disability. To him I exist to meet his needs and I don't have needs of my own. . The smile, one of the few reinforcements I get, is because I know how best to do these things for him and his love for me is about me meeting his every need.

By a certain age I think most kids can continue to show love even if a parent accidentally forgets to pack a napkin in the lunchbox. In my son's eyes, I have disrupted his order and he is angry. He gets over it and does forgive, but I don't think he will ever understand my role and what goes into it.

As I ramble I also realize my husband does get to receive some of the programming. DS can show more love toward him freely without prompting. DH is a great guy and deserves that. I know this happens with even NT kids, but the expectations my son has of me are a mile high and with my husband they are much fewer and he is more forgiving.

Why am I writing this? I am feeling burnt out and I guess mourning and accepting the fact my role is giver and may not ever be receiver with him.[/quote]

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