your child's pain

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[Post New]07/14/2021 14:54
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Anonymous
I think I may have the opposite problem - that I'm not empathetic enough. I am patient and comforting when my kids are hurting, but I definitely don't dwell on it as much as I'd probably dwell on a similar pain if I was experiencing it myself. Unless I was truly truly scared for their health or wellbeing, I certainly can't see myself crying over their pain.
[Post New]07/14/2021 15:44
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've never cried because my kid was hurt or sick in front of them. Sympathetic and empathetic of course. When DS was going through a serious medical issue I cried when I wasn't around him.

It seems kind of toxic to cry over a cavity.


Agree with the bolded.


Plus 1
[Post New]07/14/2021 15:46
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jsmith123
Member Offline
I think it's normal to suffer a bit when your child is suffering. My DS had an accident that required hospitalization + surgery about a year ago, and I was pretty affected by it. When he was crying and in pain I absolutely felt some of it.

When he skins his knee? No. A cavity? No.
[Post New]07/14/2021 16:24
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Anonymous
My mom was a crier and stresser and I hated it. I felt like I had to put my feelings aside to calm her down, even as a little kid. I downplayed things because "I didnt want to make mommy cry".
[Post New]07/14/2021 17:10
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Anonymous
There is a book, "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee". Op, you might benefit from reading it. You need to appreciate resilience as something valued.
[Post New]07/14/2021 19:12
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Anonymous
Making your kids pain about you is problematic and you need therapy. No, you shouldn’t be losing it over a cavity.

Both my kids have major medical issues — one will never live independently. The other went through years of surgery and chemo. At no point have I “felt their pain.” I may have had my own grief/fears, but I would never have pretended to be in their shoes.
[Post New]07/14/2021 21:14
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jsmith123
Member Offline
I am interested in a recurring theme in some of these comments that if you feel your kid's pain, you're narcissistic somehow, or making it all about you.

I feel like it's the opposite. It's people who are very sensitive to other people who feel this -- not people who think only about themselves.
[Post New]07/14/2021 21:21
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I think I may have the opposite problem - that I'm not empathetic enough. I am patient and comforting when my kids are hurting, but I definitely don't dwell on it as much as I'd probably dwell on a similar pain if I was experiencing it myself. Unless I was truly truly scared for their health or wellbeing, I certainly can't see myself crying over their pain.


Ditto. I’m very much, ok, it hurts, please stop crying so we can move on
[Post New]07/15/2021 06:24
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Anonymous
It’s not helpful or practical to break down when your child is hurt. Your job is to mobilize and respond. You have to be able to do that. Empathy comes when your child is safe and cared for.
[Post New]07/15/2021 06:26
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Making your kids pain about you is problematic and you need therapy. No, you shouldn’t be losing it over a cavity.

Both my kids have major medical issues — one will never live independently. The other went through years of surgery and chemo. At no point have I “felt their pain.” I may have had my own grief/fears, but I would never have pretended to be in their shoes.


Agreed as a mom of a child who has been through many medical procedures with my DD. My job is to get her the services and resources she needs to be as comfortable as possible. Hanging around and sobbing with her would be completely counterproductive.
[Post New]07/16/2021 08:46
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP, are you trying to somehow frame it as a positive to be that "in tune" with your kids? I think it's actually very unhealthy for you to be that affected by their experiences. I think it would put a lot of pressure on them to stuff down their feelings because they don't want you to get upset. Also, you're supposed to show them that having cavities seems scary but it's really no big deal. What message does that send if you're crying about their cavities? That would make the world seem very scary to a child, I think.


This!

Also, how are you supposed to help your child if they're in pain if you're also affected? My kid just endured a heartbreaking event that was also very sad for me but I was able to separate my sadness about it and my sadness for her and set that aside to deal with when I wasn't with her so that I could provide her comfort when she needed it. It sounds like your kid gets a cavity and then on top of that they have to take care of you because now you're a mess? I do think you need help.
[Post New]07/16/2021 08:48
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:My mom was a crier and stresser and I hated it. I felt like I had to put my feelings aside to calm her down, even as a little kid. I downplayed things because "I didnt want to make mommy cry".


My friends' kids are like this actually because of their father and it has a major impact on their lives. My friend is currently getting a divorce, but the kids break down after coming back from spending time with their dad because they're not allowed to show any emotions whatsoever about the divorce around him. It's awful.
[Post New]07/16/2021 08:50
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Anonymous
jsmith123 wrote:I am interested in a recurring theme in some of these comments that if you feel your kid's pain, you're narcissistic somehow, or making it all about you.

I feel like it's the opposite. It's people who are very sensitive to other people who feel this -- not people who think only about themselves.


If your child has a cavity, you should be doing what you need to do to help them deal with the resolution of that and any fears, concerns, pain, etc. If, instead, you are spending your time being upset with them, you're not helping them - you're making it about you.
[Post New]07/16/2021 10:53
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:How much should you feel your child's pain? By that I mean, are you emotionally so in tune where every hurt they experience, every tear or whatever you are dying yourself? What is a healthy line? If they get a cavity are you also in tears? I'm trying to get a gauge of what's considered healthy.


I definitely "feel" my child's pain. However, I don't let it get in the way of helping them, I don't cry in front of them, and I do what I need to do to help them get better. My kids are teens, and I'm not sure how any parent could just brush off some things that happen to their kids without it affecting them. For example, when my daughter sprained her ankle and couldn't play soccer for a few weeks, she was devastated. I tried to help her see that this is something minor, that she will recover in a few weeks, and got her the care she needed so she was back playing as soon as possible. However, I could "feel" her disappointment, "feel" her sadness for her when she would cry over missing a game, because I knew in her teenage brain this was a huge deal to her.

I don't think it would fall into being narcissistic unless you made it about you. But having your own strong emotions when your child is hurt or struggling with something doesn't mean you are narcissistic. I am a highly sensitive person and have always been empathetic and "felt" other's pain, and its even stronger with my own children. But I know how to deal with my own emotions separately. It is exhausting to be this type of person, and I have developed strategies to process my strong emotions privately. I am referred to as kind and empathetic by my friends, and I don't think anyone would call me a narcissist as I am constantly doing for others.
[Post New]07/18/2021 06:46
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Anonymous
For what it’s worth, I grew up with two very narcissistic parents. When I was in pain or sick, they were impatient, annoyed, and angry.
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