Single Mom by Choice Groups

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[Post New]04/23/2021 09:43
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kshin29
Member Offline
Is there a local SMC group in the DC area? I went to the site but you have to pay to see a list or their forum. Hoping to connect with some here and learn more since that is the route I'm planning. Since I have no idea how to respond to a post maybe places/times where groups meet? Thanks!
[Post New]04/23/2021 09:45
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Anonymous
Why does it matter whether someone is a single mom by choice or other circumstances?
[Post New]04/23/2021 09:48
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter whether someone is a single mom by choice or other circumstances?


Not the OP, but a SMC is going to have different opportunities/challenges than a divorced mom or a widowed mom.

On one hand, she would have 100% custody all the time, with everything that entails in terms of responsibility. On the other SMCs tend to be older and more financially established, so better able to afford help.

It's just a slightly different set of circumstances and I can see why OP would want to find folks in the same situation.
[Post New]04/23/2021 09:48
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter whether someone is a single mom by choice or other circumstances?


Way to be helpful.

-NP
[Post New]04/23/2021 11:09
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Anonymous
I am a single mom by choice. I do not know any local groups but I also never payed for the online website.

When I was first pursuing this with Shady Grove I was referred to meeting a counselor before we could begin the procedures. (It may be a silly requirement but to me just a hoop to jump). I dont remember the counselors name, she was located on Quesada St NW but she offered that she ran a local group of single moms but I never pursued it.

Now that I am a parent I have one local friend who is single like me and 2 friends from high school who live in other cities. My child is still a toddler but his friends are the children of my friends. My wider social circle has a lots of different families and so far my child and I are just another example of the many ways a family is formed. Bc of that I havent sought out other single moms by choice.

If you are interested in questions related to the process of having a baby the infertility support group on this site is terrific and other single moms do chime in.
[Post New]04/23/2021 11:22
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Anonymous
Another SMC here. I paid to participate in the forum during the thinking/planning phase and joined the DC chapter.
https://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/members/full-members/dc-md-va-region-member-page/

I was also on this listserve, but haven't kept up since having my child: SMC-DC-owner@yahoogroups.com

COVID has, of course, upended everything, but the local chapter is quite active, plans several activities throughout the year, and members are very happy to talk about everything under the sun relating to this path to motherhood.

DCUM offers some useful input, but you'll definitely be in the minority and I found that although the infertility thread here was helpful for speaking about that in particular, this isn't where you're likely to find a sense of community, if that's what you're looking for.

Good luck to you!
[Post New]04/23/2021 11:31
quote
kshin29
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:Another SMC here. I paid to participate in the forum during the thinking/planning phase and joined the DC chapter.
https://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/members/full-members/dc-md-va-region-member-page/

I was also on this listserve, but haven't kept up since having my child: SMC-DC-owner@yahoogroups.com

COVID has, of course, upended everything, but the local chapter is quite active, plans several activities throughout the year, and members are very happy to talk about everything under the sun relating to this path to motherhood.

DCUM offers some useful input, but you'll definitely be in the minority and I found that although the infertility thread here was helpful for speaking about that in particular, this isn't where you're likely to find a sense of community, if that's what you're looking for.

Good luck to you!


Very helpful! Thank you- OP
[Post New]04/23/2021 12:31
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter whether someone is a single mom by choice or other circumstances?


Not the OP, but a SMC is going to have different opportunities/challenges than a divorced mom or a widowed mom.

On one hand, she would have 100% custody all the time, with everything that entails in terms of responsibility. On the other SMCs tend to be older and more financially established, so better able to afford help.

It's just a slightly different set of circumstances and I can see why OP would want to find folks in the same situation.


There is research that shows single moms by choice tend to have traits different than other single moms, in terms of family background, education and professional life. By finding each other they may find people with whom they make easy friends.
[Post New]04/23/2021 12:48
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Anonymous
This is awesome! I am a single mom by choice and circumstance . I became pregnant by someone who is not fit to be a part-time co-parent. I chose to keep the baby and seek full custody. I earn a mid-range salary for DC, $100-$110k. I have two advanced degrees and I am so happy I made this choice.

It has been difficult when I get tired or wish someone else could tag team with me on school, doctor's appointments and discipline. Then there is the stigma. I am non-white and I get some occasional strange comments from co-workers such as, "So how do you manage it all? You are so strong!". My kid's teachers also make little comments to my kid when she mentions her father's kids, such as, "So where do your other siblings live?"

Then there is dating. I prefer to date or partner with another single or divorced dad. They seem to really get the single parenting thing and are less judgmental, though most don't have full custody like I do.

Overall, single parenting is not the doom and gloom every statistic makes it out to be. I am really happy with my choice. I would not have another kid alone due to my level of exhaustion and the costs of childcare. Once I found my Single Parent Squad, we have really been able to help each other out.

Please share the single mom by choice groups and I suggest that you don't exclude people who did not use surrogates, IVF, sperm donors or other modern parenting pathways. Some single parents made choices to follow through with a pregnancy despite a less than ideal partner. I also think there are a few class and racial undertones to how people become single parents.

There is also a woman who is revamping research on single parent households by Dr. Bella DePaulo. She presents a fresh perspective on single parenting.
https://www.amazon.com/Single-Parents-Their-Children-Tells/dp/151485175X
[Post New]04/23/2021 16:07
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Please share the single mom by choice groups and I suggest that you don't exclude people who did not use surrogates, IVF, sperm donors or other modern parenting pathways. Some single parents made choices to follow through with a pregnancy despite a less than ideal partner. I also think there are a few class and racial undertones to how people become single parents.

There is also a woman who is revamping research on single parent households by Dr. Bella DePaulo. She presents a fresh perspective on single parenting.
https://www.amazon.com/Single-Parents-Their-Children-Tells/dp/151485175X


PP I get where you're coming from. It's not that SMC groups aim to exclude people who are parenting solo because of other reasons. There's just a different set of circumstances that surround the issue when your #1 plan is to parent without a partner, and it is helpful to be able to discuss that with people who've been there/are there.

That said, there really don't seem to be many SMC groups around that aren't in some way connected to the larger organization (I've looked extensively). However, I have found many FB groups of single parents whose supposed co-parent is not at all in the picture.
[Post New]04/23/2021 19:53
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:This is awesome! I am a single mom by choice and circumstance . I became pregnant by someone who is not fit to be a part-time co-parent. I chose to keep the baby and seek full custody. I earn a mid-range salary for DC, $100-$110k. I have two advanced degrees and I am so happy I made this choice.

It has been difficult when I get tired or wish someone else could tag team with me on school, doctor's appointments and discipline. Then there is the stigma. I am non-white and I get some occasional strange comments from co-workers such as, "So how do you manage it all? You are so strong!". My kid's teachers also make little comments to my kid when she mentions her father's kids, such as, "So where do your other siblings live?"

Then there is dating. I prefer to date or partner with another single or divorced dad. They seem to really get the single parenting thing and are less judgmental, though most don't have full custody like I do.

Overall, single parenting is not the doom and gloom every statistic makes it out to be. I am really happy with my choice. I would not have another kid alone due to my level of exhaustion and the costs of childcare. Once I found my Single Parent Squad, we have really been able to help each other out.

Please share the single mom by choice groups and I suggest that you don't exclude people who did not use surrogates, IVF, sperm donors or other modern parenting pathways. Some single parents made choices to follow through with a pregnancy despite a less than ideal partner. I also think there are a few class and racial undertones to how people become single parents.

There is also a woman who is revamping research on single parent households by Dr. Bella DePaulo. She presents a fresh perspective on single parenting.
https://www.amazon.com/Single-Parents-Their-Children-Tells/dp/151485175X


I don't control any SMC groups, but you definitely sound like an SMC to me? I thought it was just people who decided from the start that they wanted to parent alone, which it sounds like you did. While you know your child's sperm donor/bio father and presumably he's a presence in her life if she knows her half-siblings, you're still definitely parenting alone as you intended. Have you been rejected from SMC groups? If so, I'm really sorry to hear it; the ones I belong to have SMCs with known donors (although usually for an IUI/IVF, I do know one who just had timed intercourse), anonymous donors, as well as SMCs who adopted, and I think it's really interesting and helpful to hear other people's experiences and how it informs their parenting.

Definitely agree about how class/race informs how people view single parents. Thanks for the book rec, too! I'll check it out when I can.
[Post New]04/23/2021 20:51
quote
Anonymous
Michelle Hester is the social worker who runs a support group through Shady Grove for single women pursuing fertility treatments. That group was super helpful to me.

I am also in the national SMC group and the meet up group (although the meet up group might have gone inactive in the last year). We have a supportive, active group in the DC area.
[Post New]04/23/2021 22:09
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:This is awesome! I am a single mom by choice and circumstance . I became pregnant by someone who is not fit to be a part-time co-parent. I chose to keep the baby and seek full custody. I earn a mid-range salary for DC, $100-$110k. I have two advanced degrees and I am so happy I made this choice.

It has been difficult when I get tired or wish someone else could tag team with me on school, doctor's appointments and discipline. Then there is the stigma. I am non-white and I get some occasional strange comments from co-workers such as, "So how do you manage it all? You are so strong!". My kid's teachers also make little comments to my kid when she mentions her father's kids, such as, "So where do your other siblings live?"

Then there is dating. I prefer to date or partner with another single or divorced dad. They seem to really get the single parenting thing and are less judgmental, though most don't have full custody like I do.

Overall, single parenting is not the doom and gloom every statistic makes it out to be. I am really happy with my choice. I would not have another kid alone due to my level of exhaustion and the costs of childcare. Once I found my Single Parent Squad, we have really been able to help each other out.

Please share the single mom by choice groups and I suggest that you don't exclude people who did not use surrogates, IVF, sperm donors or other modern parenting pathways. Some single parents made choices to follow through with a pregnancy despite a less than ideal partner. I also think there are a few class and racial undertones to how people become single parents.

There is also a woman who is revamping research on single parent households by Dr. Bella DePaulo. She presents a fresh perspective on single parenting.
https://www.amazon.com/Single-Parents-Their-Children-Tells/dp/151485175X


I'm probably going off topic to the original thread, but as someone who is in a similar situation as you- but getting divorced- how do you handle dating? I haven't dated yet...but have thought about it. How do men approach the fact that you have your kid full-time?

While I'm not a *true* SMBC as I'm getting divorced, because we separated when our daughter was only six months, and I have her full time (she is now almost 2), sometimes, it feels this way.
[Post New]04/23/2021 22:11
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter whether someone is a single mom by choice or other circumstances?


Not the OP, but a SMC is going to have different opportunities/challenges than a divorced mom or a widowed mom.

On one hand, she would have 100% custody all the time, with everything that entails in terms of responsibility. On the other SMCs tend to be older and more financially established, so better able to afford help.

It's just a slightly different set of circumstances and I can see why OP would want to find folks in the same situation.


There is research that shows single moms by choice tend to have traits different than other single moms, in terms of family background, education and professional life. By finding each other they may find people with whom they make easy friends.

Are they more elite?
[Post New]04/23/2021 22:36
quote
Anonymous
This thread is going off topic in several different ways.
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