When kindness is self-serving?
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Anonymous
| What’s with people who swoop in and take over a crisis, but it’s self-serving. I know someone who does this to the detriment of their actual family. They will swoop in and devote themselves completely to “helping”, essentially take over, and then complain martyr-style to anyone who will listen about how tired they are from helping. |
Anonymous
| For some people this is how they feel relevant and needed. |
Anonymous
I know someone like this but I’m not so sure. I’m literally “needed” by no one and I don’t feel the need to play hero. I think it runs deeper than that. Florence Nightingale Effect. |
Anonymous
+1. Or control or social posturing, depending. When they use it to get sympathy, make themselves look good (their prime motivation), or control the inheritance then I absolutely judge them and it isn't really done out of kindness. They are self-serving and don't tend to even do a good job-just act busy when other people are watching. People should just do whatever it is because it is the right thing to do. If you go bleating about it, you're looking for praise and attention and not actually focused on the person or act itself. |
Anonymous
| My boss pretends is one of these altruistic holy-roller types but I see her for the manipulative b&%$# she really is. People who truly care about the right thing don't require an audience and accolades. |
Anonymous
+1 They are often the relatives with the $$$ and it offers an opportunity to control too. Not even sure if they realize their harm in “helping” much of the time. |
Anonymous
Are you saying you’d rather them not help with their time, leadership, managing skills, and other resources? Or you want them to delegate more (ie they are controlling?) or take in more advice on options from others (ie they are bossy)? If they don’t help and do their thing, what happens instead? Maybe just tell them to back off and you’ll handle or it everyone else will and then you don’t have to get upset at this relative or outcome, since you’ll be more responsible for it. |
Anonymous
I always liked and agreed with the saying: True altruism is anonymous. Or at least not wanting attention, recognition or certainly not accolades. But hard to help out a real-time family crisis anonymously. Need some examples Op. |
Anonymous
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If I truly need help, I grin and bear any overstepping that comes with it.
But if I don't literally, actually, actively NEED help, I turn it down. I shut that shit right down from overbearing types. "No thanks, I don't want you to do that." Direct. Repeated if needed. Because I have no go,era de for attention-seekers, Tragedy Vultures and overbearing types. Noooope! |
jsmith123
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I think even if you do something anonymously, there is a still a little boost of feeling like I did something good for someone else. Does that make the act self-serving? |
Anonymous
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My BIL is past master at this. It's hard to complain when the person he's helping is us! We've all benefited from his help, one way or another, in the family. He's also infuriating, because he never looks after himself, and is always off on some errand of mercy. Even for his ex-in-laws... |
Anonymous
| It doesn't have to be a crisis. Plenty of SAHMs throw themselves into community service, volunteer school stuff, which they invent, doing it "for the kids" while ignoring their own families. Quite a few divorces. |
Anonymous
No that’s not self serving. |
Anonymous
| Some people are needy givers. |
Anonymous
| Narcissism and likely another mental illness. |