Everything is Difficult with my Seven Year Old Daughter
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Anonymous
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And it was before Covid, too. She is impulsive and high energy. That would be fine, except it is coupled with constant rude and unkind behavior. The only way to get her to do anything is to tell her she will have a consequence if she doesn't. She will ignore friends that don't want to do what she does, or generally annoy and bother people. She instigates things. She slams doors and replies with "so?" when you explain how her behavior makes others feel. She does not express emotions well. She loves ignoring questions and responding to friends and family with silence. She monopolizes conversations and requires constant attention. Her behavior worsens when she is bored, but she is incapable of figuring out anything to do on her own. She has a really difficult personality.
We model kindness at home, we try to talk about feelings, she attends a Social Skills group. Nothing really helps. It's hard to be around her. It breaks my heart that she is so unkind, and I know that life will be difficult for her. Severe consequences and punishments make her behavoir worse, but it's also impossible to let some her actions slide. What is this? What do we do about it? |
Anonymous
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I’m so sorry. That sounds very hard. What age did this start? Was she like this at age 3 or 4? Is there a way you could reach out to a parent coach or child psychologist to have a phone consult just for you to talk and get insight and strategies to help her( and you)?
I took classes through PEP in Kensington but they are all online now. But if you think you need a psychologist to speak with maybe ask you pediatrician office for a good recommendation. |
Anonymous
| Could she have ADHD? Some of her behavior sounds like oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). |
Anonymous
| Aside from the possible ADHD, I’d like to add that 7 felt impossible with my DD. It was harder than ay of the baby or toddler years. I asked the pediatrician and she mentioned that 7 and 8 can be very difficult years bc if adrenarche beginning. So if she hasn’t always been this way, maybe it’s due to growth and hormones. At least partially. Google it, it was eye opening for me. And good luck! |
Anonymous
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Don't tell her there will be consequences if she doesn't do X when you're in the moment.
Schedule a meeting. Decide on behavior and rules and consequences. Then in the future, don't threaten or say there will be consequences, just follow through immediately on whatever you decided the consequence is. No negotiating. No discussions. |
jsmith123
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Have you tried the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen"? That and "Parenting with Love and Logic" might help here.
Also, and I know this is a big ask, but try to treat your daughter as someone who wants to be good but is struggling. Try to think of yourself as someone who is on her team, vs. being her adversary. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you for the kind and helpful replies. I was worried I was going to get slammed for bad parenting.
We have spoken with the psychologist who runs her social skills group for regular parent sessions. She makes a lot of suggestions and has had some insight, but nothing that has brought significant change. We have considered ADHD which definitely explains her impulsivity, but the unkindness is really exhausting. I have read up on ODD but it seems that that is really the result of trauma in childhood, and our daughter has has a pretty great childhood. This behavior started when she was 5 and has slowly worsened. At 2/3/4 we would have never thought that she had any behavioral issues. She is so intense. At bedtime, for example, she might start screeching and flailing her limbs while I try to give her a hug, just to annoy me (or at least it feels that way). She might pretend to tell secrets to one friend just to bother another friend. When asked about this, she has no answer. She does well in her social skills group, likes playing with others and makes friend easily. The difficulty comes in maintaining these friendships. She gets along fairly well with her younger sibling, although she behaves best when she is alone with one of both parents. I think I'm most concerned about her being a jerk. I want to know why she is like that. We're a fairly happy and normal family and I think we are nice people. Kindness in children is always (rightfully) boasted and praised, and it's nowhere on her radar. |
Anonymous
Thank you, I didn't know about this. My DD started down this path at 5, though, so I'm thinking it may not be this. Very useful, regardless, though! |
Anonymous
I have this book and should reread it. Thank you. I do try to have the "it's my job to help her" mindset, but it can be so hard, when she can be so terrible. |
Anonymous
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It’s not bad parenting to look for help, op.
At age 7, I would consider getting her on a waitlist for a neuropsychological evaluation. You can guess at a diagnosis, but that’s not really going to help. |
Anonymous
| I wonder if meditation could help. She sounds very high strung. |
Anonymous
| OP I agree that 7 is a challenging developmental milestone. Also I would add that she may be bored intellectually. If you can find new things to keep her mentally busy and challenged, beyond what exists already, that might help too. |
Anonymous
ODD is not necessarily result of trauma in childhood. Where did you read that? It's one of most common comorbidities with ADHD |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, OP--that dynamic sounds exhausting. My almost 9 year old DD can be difficult, too, albeit in somewhat different ways. What's helped us the most is balancing maintaining a connection to her while also holding boundaries. No Drama Discipline might be really useful for you; overly punitive approaches don't work, IMO. Can you set aside dedicated time each week just for her, like a special night or walk outside with one or both parents (realizing the latter might not be feasible right now)?
Other things that have really helped us: praising the heck out of positive things she does and (this is key) us not reacting too harshly when she's being difficult. It's harder for DH than me, but if I can at least stay calm, that makes a huge difference in helping her settle down. I also second the recommendation for PEP. Other books that have helped: Untangled, Whole Brain Child, Parenting the Defiant Child (or whatever Kazdin's book is called--different approach to the others, but potentially worth a read from a purely behavioral perspective). Good luck. It really can be exhausting, especially during a pandemic. Don't give up on her and don't assume her life will be hard or she'll always be like this. Some kids take longer to develop kindness and empathy, but they can--and the fact that it's not her default doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Kids are wired differently, though I fully appreciate how rough it can be on parents of difficult kids to help them be their best selves. |
Anonymous
| You might also try reading her books aloud about kids that have been bullied or who have other problems and how it makes them feel. She needs to develop some empathy. I would have her evaluated, and I would seek the help of a behavioral therapist. I teach kids with emotional issues, and early intervention is key. |