how to discipline without yelling/punishing/threatening/bribing
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Anonymous
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I am in a disciplinary rut where my 6 year old son, who is EXTREMELY impulsive when it comes to things like keeping his hands to himself (not grabbing stuff from his sister, listening when we tell him to stop touching something, not hitting his sister when he's frustrated, sitting still, not getting up 436469 times a meal at the dinner table, not talking back, etc), and who is extremely bad at listening in general because he's VERY immature for his age (cue crying fit at Dunkin Donuts because we told him he had to share the donut because they only had 1 left), and impulsive, that we're constantly yelling at him, threatening to punish him (if you do that again, you're not getting your TV show later today, if you do that again, you're not getting the treat we discussed) or offering bribery (if you sit and behave through this doctors appointment, we can get ice cream on the way home)
it's either threat of deprivation of privilege (TV, dessert, etc) or offer of bribery of reward (TV, video games, dessert) or just plain yelling "YOU HIT YOUR SISTER! GO TO YOUR ROOM! that's totally unacceptable!" I know the whole "positive parenting" school of thought, but it's like when we dont discipline and be strict, he walks all over us and acts like a maniac, but when we get stern and punish, it seems to make him rebel too. GAAAHHHHH. |
Anonymous
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I know people will roll their eyes but do you have ADHD concerns? Having to tell something a million times, impulsivity, not sitting still....that's what jumped out at me.
Other than that, he's immature because he's 6. |
Anonymous
| Nothing but empathy here, OP. My son just turned 6, and he has a hard time following directions too. He isn't prone to tantrums, but he is prone to rage. I, too, fall into a pattern of threats, and I hate it. I'm considering starting a pom pom jar where he gets x pom poms for good behavior and then we do something fun - not food related, but fun - trip to the bounce house, or something. This will help me focus on the good behavior. We are also trying to explain our expectations up front. Jimmy - we are going in to the house now. You will take off your shoes and put your lunchbox in the kitchen. You will keep your hands to yourself. If you hit Bobby, you will need to sit in your room for 5 minutes. and then follow through. |
Bella_lee
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Member Offline
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Hi @OP, I can understand and empathize at how frustrating this situation is for you and your family. I used to say how I wished children came with an instruction manual tied to their wrist when they were born because sometimes it can be hard to know exactly what to do. I would suggest that you continue to be consistent with the necessary discipline you feel is required, coupled with lots of affirmation and loving hugs when he is not acting up. The other aspect that might be beneficial for you to consider is professional help to help you assess if there is something you are overlooking, sometimes it might be something as simple as changing his diet or on the other far side treatment for a behavior disorder. Either way, know that you are doing all you can to be the best mom you can be to these precious children. Praying for wisdom and strength for you as you navigate this parenting phase.
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Anonymous
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You can discipline and be strict without yelling. Read 123 magic. Seriously. Learn about keeping yourself calm while filing out the consequences. It really really does help. It’s hard. You have to be consistent and not get riled up.
He does something unacceptable and you ya: that’s 3, and walk him to his room. No explanation necessary. He knows what he did was unacceptable. And apart from that, make sure there are things that you don’t necessarily like but can accept that he do. Like be loud in a certain part of the house or throw couch pillows. |
Anonymous
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They drive you crazy and you SCREAM. It's their fault and you should not feel guilty for the occasional scream
Also, I don't care what anyone says, we have all yelled or screamed at least once! |
Anonymous
| I'm confused. You want to discipline without punishing (negative consequences) or bribing (positive consequences). I thought the consistent use of consequences was what discipline meant. You don't need to yell and you certainly don't need to be physically abusive, but I don't think you can discipline without the use of some type of consequence. |
Anonymous
Well, there's boundary setting. And natural consequences. We don't punish or bribe our children, but we also don't let them walk all over us. OP, I would work on one thing at a time. Getting up from the dinner table? "Oh, it looks like you're done with dinner since you're getting up. Please take your plate into the kitchen." Also: how much physical activity is he getting? My 5 year old is CONSTANTLY moving and it can be obnoxious if it's, say, in the kitchen or dining room. So we try to fit in as much outside time as possible and that has seemed to help. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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I would look at Ross Greene's collaborative problem solving: https://www.livesinthebalance.org
It will give you the long term strategies you're looking for; it was really great for us. I would also consider taking Dr. Dan Shapiro's parenting class; it's designed for parents for whom traditional methods of discipline aren't working: http://www.parentchildjourney.com |
Anonymous
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I hear you, OP. We struggle with my 5yo doing a lot of what you described. We try to focus on positive reinforcement and praise when his behavior is what's expected, and time outs or loss of privileges for bad behavior. And with loss of privileges, you have to find what works. This will sound bad, but you have to threaten to take away the thing that is the most precious to them, whether it's a toy, or play time after dinner, whatever. Threatening to take away something the kid doesn't care about isn't going to motivate his behavior.
I also seem to get a good response when I say in my quiet, stern voice, "I've asked you twice to do this. I'm starting to get frustrated. Please do it now or we'll have to take a break from playing." When I voice my own feelings about what's happening, DS seems to pay more attention because most 5-6yo don't want their parents to be upset with them. I try to refrain from yelling because that just causes DS to melt down. Also, you HAVE to follow through. Every damn time. It's exhausting and soul-sucking, but they have to know you mean business. For this reason, you can't threaten something that's unenforceable. Lastly, have you noticed any triggers that precede this behavior? My DS' behavior is awful when he's hangry, tired, or wanting attention from us. I try to be mindful of what else might be causing the behavior because sometimes addressing the underlying issue alone is enough to change the behavior. |
Anonymous
| You cannot discipline with yelling/punishing/threatening. You should not yell but be clear on the rules and consequences. Talking nicely isn't working. |
Anonymous
This is a great point and excellent strategy. |