Want son to be more considerate of friend
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Anonymous
| My son is 9 and has a very good friend who is a year younger. They've been friends for a long time and get along well. However, I have noticed that when we run into DS's other friends (either his age or older) in public, DS's friend always winds up being left out. I don't think it is intentional exclusion, but DS is definitely not being as considerate as I would like him to be. His other friends are a little bit more rough and sporty (I would say DS is in the middle) and he doesn't adjust the play to accommodate his friend (who dislikes roughhousing and many sports), and who eventually drops out of the game activity, while DS keeps playing with the other kids. I have talked to him about being considerate, and how his friend would feel, but it has not changed the behavior. I can keep play dates one on one, but I can't prevent other kids from being at the park, pool etc., so I need DS to make some change to his behavior. Any ideas? |
Anonymous
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Since this is a pretty specific issue, I would just keep talking to him and reminding him.
There was some behavior by our DS that we really objected to and some behavior that we wanted to encourage (chores, getting out of the house in the morning, trying new foods, etc.) so we instituted a point system for the summer with about 20 things that he could do or avoid doing to earn points that could eventually be used to get some things that he wants. Maybe try some version of that if there is a broader issue or multiple things that you want to address. |
Anonymous
| Can we stop using “sporty” as a cover for jerk behavior in boys? You can be athletic and enjoy sports while still being a kind person who doesn’t treat other kids poorly just because they’re less athletic. |
Anonymous
I don’t think Op meant jerk behavior. I think she meant the kids say, “let’s play kickball”, and ds’s friend chooses not to play. I would just encourage DS to play in outdoor areas with his friend where they won’t run into the other kids because they don’t play the same things. Or have your kid say to his friend,” join in the kickball game”, if he sees he didn’t join in. |
Anonymous
Yes, that is exactly what I mean. He does ask his friend to join, but the friend will join for a few minutes and then say he doesn't want to play - which is totally fine. But then DS will continue playing, and I think that's not appropriate/nice if the friend that he came to the park with doesn't want to play. |
Anonymous
| Nah. If there's one friend who doesn't want to do what the group wants to do, that's on him. Not your son's job to fix that. |
Anonymous
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OP- my DS isn't sporty and gets anxious around roughhousing.
Honestly, I have never expected others accommodate his preferred game if he is the only one who wants to do it- I encourage him to play what the group is playing *or* to choose to do something on his own. What I do hope that others will be kind to him when he chooses to play. For instance, DS has a friend (great kid) who is a gifted athlete- and he slows the pace so that DS can participate and shows DS how to pitch/catch. It's built DS's confidence so that now, he will join in even if it's not his favorite thing. |
Anonymous
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So, you mean you invite the other boy over, go to the park, and run into friends? I find it helps to pull my son aside and remind him that he came with his friend and it is rude to not play with him. Then later have a longer discussion about how he feels when his friends do this to him (which has happened so it helps him understand how it feels).
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Anonymous
I agree. You do not ditch the friend you came with when other people come along. If the other friend declines, the polite thing to do is for OP's DS to decline as well. OP, in these situations, can you tell DS 'OK, time to go home. I have to start dinner." And then take him and his friend back to your house? I don't think your DS will suddenly become more considerate. That's something that takes time and experience. Sadly, I have memories of doing this to friends when I was growing up. I also have memories of other people doing this to me, and it felt terrible. OP, thank you for recognizing this and trying to fix it (whether or not you're successful, thank you for trying). |
Anonymous
also- none of this is to say that your DS shouldn't be empathetic and courteous to his friend- or if there is a special circumstance (you said the boy is younger) that he shouldn't be considerate. I think kids learn more from being inclusive- figuring out how to involve everyone in a game vs. changing the preferred plan to suit one person. The worst for us was when some boys at my son's school said he couldn't play soccer at recess because "he wasn't good enough." DS wasn't insisting on tag, he put himself out there, knowing the other boys were so much better so that he could feel like part of the group- then to get shot down was crummy. If my DS did that to another kid, I would be quite upset. |
froggymom
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| Kids at this age are learning social skills. I think it's fine to remind your son about kind behavior, but he has to choose how to navigate the relationships. The other child too will be learning what he wants from a friendship and what he is willing to accept and not accept. Too much parental interference is not a good thing in my opinion. Children have a way of solving their own social behavior issues as long as there is no bullying going on. |
Anonymous
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We try to remind and repeat, "Try to be inclusive."
Then, we give a scenario, if it was you that is excluded, would you want others to try and include you or at least give you a chance to be included. If you have a reason to exclude, what is the reason. |
Anonymous
+1 That’s what I am doing too. |