WM feeling like nanny is the "real mom": Is SAH the only solution?

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[Post New]02/28/2008 14:44
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I've been back at work FT about a year now after maternity leave, struggling desperately to find peace with working. I have a FT nanny that is great with my child and I never think twice about the quality of her care. But I cannot get over feeling replaced as a mother. For example, tonight when I got home my ds clung to the nanny for dear life as she was leaving. I would pick him up, and he would lean over to her and struggle to get out of my arms. When I let him go, he ran to nanny and tried to stop her from taking off her coat, hung on her legs, etc. After she left, he screamed, would not look at me, basically threw a major tt. I was devastated. DS has NEVER done this as I leave in the morning (I have even listened at the door to see...nothing). He happily says "bye" as I walk out the door. So I feel like his separation anxiety is all in relation to her. Additionally, she has taught him most of what he knows how to say; she has taught him most of the cute things he does like blow kisses; she knows better than I the foods he likes and those he rejects and when. I am so hurt by all this. When I was on maternity leave, I felt we were so close. I felt like we had such a strong bond. And I've tried to keep that up since I've been back at work...I'm home by 6 everyday, I play with him and give him my undivided attention for two hours and most of the weekend. But it just doesn't seem to be enough; I just can't compete with all the hours the nanny spends with him. It's been bothering me so much I don't even want to ever say "no" to him because I feel like that will be all he associates with me in the few hours we have together. Anyway, I've tried to look at this from every angle possible and I am just starting to conclude that this is the price I pay for working FT...I am simply not there all day to build the bond he has with nanny. Do other WMs feel this way? Am I alone in feeling duped by all the feminist literature/pundits out there that told us we "could have it all"?


you need to do a check in with yourself and your gut to see what you feel is best. feminism means being able to choose. i think many women feel as though they can't choose to stay home as they are not meeting their potential that way and i think that is sad. that is not what feminism is supposed to be. i must say my neighbor's child was so bonded to her nanny that when the nanny left her child was literally depressed and upset for weeks. i thought this was so strange but the neighbor didn't seem to get that the child wanted the nanny over her. it was so weird to me. you can always go back to work however your little ones will not always be little.
[Post New]02/28/2008 15:01
Anonymous
The 11:01 and 11:15 posts have great perspective and some good advice for managing things as well.

14:44, it seems like you might have been projecting a little bit vis a vis your neighbor. Simply because a child mourns the loss of an important friend and/or caregiver, this does not mean that child "wanted the nanny over mom." I deeply grieved the loss of my pet for several weeks -- didn't mean I wanted my pet over my spouse. There may have been other things you witnessed about your neighbor's relationship with her child that give more color, but the reaction to losing the nanny isn't by itself enough to go on.

Everyone ultimately has to make the choice that works for them and their family overall. I enjoy my career and am very good at my work. It's a source of pride. That said, if I won the lottery, I'd stay home with my child fulltime in a heartbeat. I can see both sides to this one and wouldn't presume to judge either choice.

OP, focus on making your bond with your child unique and try to avoid the urge to compare. Right now my one year old is nuts for Dad, and now and then I feel a twinge (he'll scream if Dad leaves the room and doesn't want me to comfort him, but 5 minutes later we'll be cuddling etc.). But it's all ebb and flow and for the most part I'm of course thrilled at their bonding. He likes his nanny too, and if she leaves too abruptly he has a hard time. That's just part of the age and general separation anxieties. Slow transitions really do help. Hang in there. Ultimately, if you want to SAH, then talk with your partner and begin brainstorming together how to make that work.
[Post New]02/28/2008 15:05
Meconbear
Member Offline
FWIW, my brother, sisters and I had 1 nanny for 15 years. We were never confused as to who was our mom and although my sibs still speak of her fondly (I only was in her care for 2 years), I don't think having a relationship with her affected their relationship with our mom in any way. One year olds are funny...mine was on a very strong "mommy" kick for a few weeks (I work too BTW), but now he's following daddy around like DH's a rock star. HTH OP!
[Post New]02/28/2008 15:05
Anonymous
I agree with the PP. Separation anxiety is normal and healthy and it means that he's developing the way he should be. I have always felt that working moms have to have an exceptionally high "emotional pain threshold," if that makes any sense, and some days it can really be stretched to the limit. Hang in there, even if it continues it will pass and your son is very lucky to have a mom who loves him so much.

[Post New]02/28/2008 15:27
Anonymous
Hi, it's 15:01 again -- another thing I'll sometimes tell myself, is that my son separates more easily from me because he and I have such a TERRIFIC bond (I am elaborate with waving and saying goodbye etc, even if I'm just going to the kitchen) and so of course he's confident that I'll be back and has no need to be sad! I don't think it necessarily has any basis in reality, but it's a story that helps me feel better sometimes when I see him chasing down his daddy like it's the end of the world when he steps away...
[Post New]02/28/2008 15:32
Anonymous
Hello. Whatever you do, never stop parenting. Meaning, sometimes children need to hear no. Don't spoil to comepensate for his approval. You'll regret it. He will seek you more as he gets older. Trust me. Over indulgence can also be detrimental to his development. Just know that he will go in phases, but I would be glad you have a good caregiver. Kids always like the favorite uncle that comes to town, but subconsciencely, preschoolers know who butters their bread. But don't sell out. Keep nurturing, loving, disciplining, etc. Good luck. The Great Zucchini
[Post New]02/28/2008 16:16
Anonymous
Just wanted to share an experience, FWIW. The other little girl in our nanny share (who is probably a similar age to your child, OP) sometimes gets upset leaving with her parents in the evening. Sometimes it's because she doesn't want to leave the nanny (who is wonderful), sometimes she doesn't want to leave me (and I barely know her, but happen to be holding her), sometimes she cries for our dog. So I don't think this has anything to do with who she's more attached to. It's just a funny age with separation issues. I feel bad for her parents when this happens, but in a sense it's so ridiculous when it's me or the dog causing the issues that they just have to realize it's just a weird phase and means nothing else. She's just objecting to immediate changes in her surroundings.
[Post New]02/28/2008 19:43
Anonymous
I think your angst really is well thought of--what you said--you spend two hours with your child a day and the weekends?? Is that enough for you? Sounds like it isn't--sometimes we cannot have it all. I think you should try to find a career where you can work at home, find a way to work parttime or see if you can find a way to live on one salary because I don't think it's going to get any easier--there are a lot of people in denial or desensitized..time matters..and you can't get it back. I realize there will be a lot of angry people but it's the truth--two hours a day is not a lot of time esp. when that time is rushed. They are sooo little for such a short snapshot of time--if you can at all swing it, I think you will be happier in the end.
[Post New]02/28/2008 20:34
Anonymous
op I am a sahm, gave up a career to be with my babies. Love my choice, but that said, I can totally understand why someone would not make that choice, or more importantly, does not have a choice. Which ever catagory you fall in, accept it and get on with your life. Your children will love you even if you are not a SAHM. It may seem like they prefer their nanny right now, so what, would you rather them have a fit ever time you leave, that would be very selfish of you. You have to work, they have to be happy. Children just need love. Mom, Dad, Nanny, Day care, what ever. I know it hurts to have them go to someone else, but really I think it would hurt more to know your child was miserable all day while you were at work. Imagine the guilt! Your child loves you! In the long run, he/she will not even remember their nanny, but will always love you. Don't feel bad, feel great that you gave your child someone else to love. And please do not let others make you feel guilty. No one is perfect, no one's life is perfect and no situation is perfect. do what is best for your family.
[Post New]02/28/2008 22:09
Anonymous
This is the OP...thank you so much for all the wonderful, thoughtful replies. I felt like I have gotten a lot of great advice for both the here-and-now as well as for the longer term future. I think I'm starting to realize that my situation is simply not what I want/what I can handle, and I want and need to be at home more. What's so hard about that is that before having a baby, I really believed a lot of the talk out there that if you are a professional, working and maintaining a full-fledged career after having kids is of course what you should do, and that it works for everyone. Not to sound like an idiot, but I guess I never really thought twice about the fact that obviously one solution doesn't work for everyone, and now I'm finding myself in the category of people that that "solution" does not work for. I guess it's just more proof that you can't script your life and that having kids is such a life-changing experience that you never can quite predict how you will want your life to look. Anyway, I could go on and on but I just wanted to say I appreciate all the responses...I'm actually going to print them out to keep around for when I need to read them. Maybe a little silly, but, whatever helps, right???
[Post New]02/28/2008 22:12
Anonymous
OP, experts have studied this. In the end your child will bond to YOU. Don't worry.
[Post New]02/29/2008 06:38
Anonymous
Keep in mind that different careers and different work environments offer very different levels of flexibility. I do believe that many can and have found a balance that allows for quality family time and a rewarding career at the same time. At the same time there are many careers and working environments which simply do not support this for either men or women. I agree that feminism is about choice not one solution.

Many men seem to be raised without the expectation that they will contribute equal time and balance more between career and kids. I hear lots of mom burning both end of the candles, working to maximum efficiency to get more time with their children, and constantly feeling guilty on either side. The dads just don't seem to struggle with this so much.
[Post New]02/29/2008 08:21
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP, experts have studied this. In the end your child will bond to YOU. Don't worry.


the "experts" have to come up with these findings to keep the "workers" working or our capitalist society could not survive without women workers...they need to keep the gerbles on the running mat. the most significant findings and studies show that if it is possible it is better for the child to be taken care of by either parent full time.
[Post New]02/29/2008 09:43
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, experts have studied this. In the end your child will bond to YOU. Don't worry.


the "experts" have to come up with these findings to keep the "workers" working or our capitalist society could not survive without women workers...they need to keep the gerbles on the running mat. the most significant findings and studies show that if it is possible it is better for the child to be taken care of by either parent full time.


I don't believe there are any "expert" studies to measure degrees of "bonding." Neither of these posts are particularly helpful or informative, unlike the vast majority of the posts on this thread.
[Post New]02/29/2008 10:38
Anonymous
I hear you. But don't worry. You're the mom, your child knows that. They'll play on you, unconsciously, as much as possible.

I have top say, it's a big advantage of daycare. You don't feel you compete because there are several teachers involved. And yes, yesterday my son said "go away, don't come here" when I went to pick him up. It's heartbreaking. But it's the same as when they only want one parent, etc. It's just a phase.
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