WM feeling like nanny is the "real mom": Is SAH the only solution?

[Anonymous]

I've been back at work FT about a year now after maternity leave, struggling desperately to find peace with working. I have a FT nanny that is great with my child and I never think twice about the quality of her care. But I cannot get over feeling replaced as a mother. For example, tonight when I got home my ds clung to the nanny for dear life as she was leaving. I would pick him up, and he would lean over to her and struggle to get out of my arms. When I let him go, he ran to nanny and tried to stop her from taking off her coat, hung on her legs, etc. After she left, he screamed, would not look at me, basically threw a major tt. I was devastated. DS has NEVER done this as I leave in the morning (I have even listened at the door to see...nothing). He happily says "bye" as I walk out the door. So I feel like his separation anxiety is all in relation to her. Additionally, she has taught him most of what he knows how to say; she has taught him most of the cute things he does like blow kisses; she knows better than I the foods he likes and those he rejects and when. I am so hurt by all this. When I was on maternity leave, I felt we were so close. I felt like we had such a strong bond. And I've tried to keep that up since I've been back at work...I'm home by 6 everyday, I play with him and give him my undivided attention for two hours and most of the weekend. But it just doesn't seem to be enough; I just can't compete with all the hours the nanny spends with him. It's been bothering me so much I don't even want to ever say "no" to him because I feel like that will be all he associates with me in the few hours we have together. Anyway, I've tried to look at this from every angle possible and I am just starting to conclude that this is the price I pay for working FT...I am simply not there all day to build the bond he has with nanny. Do other WMs feel this way? Am I alone in feeling duped by all the feminist literature/pundits out there that told us we "could have it all"?

[Anonymous]

You're competing with the nanny and you can't do that. It's not a fair fight. Fact is she spends more time with him than you do and he is not really old enough yet to realize the difference. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I think many dads feel the way you describe, so it's not just an issue of biological parent vs. nanny.

Also, if it makes you feel better, my son prefers his dad despite the fact that I am the one who keeps the house running, work a reduced schedule and am home more hours of the day, take him to do lots of fun activities, etc.

I try to work a 4-day workweek, which means I'm home 3 days a week instead of just 2 on the weekend. I think that helps with the bonding.

Hang in there - balancing parenthood and career goals are tough regardless of if you're a SAHM or WOHM. Your child may just be going through a phase of separation anxiety, so don't beat yourself up.

[Anonymous]

You have been duped, we can't have it all. We will work ourselves to death if we believed this, and felt we were doing something wrong. There is only so much time in one day, and only so much that is able to get done.

I am starting my first job, since having children, next week, and I am a wreck. It's a balancing act I have never once had to even fathom, let alone put into practice. I am lucky to have a mother and sisters who are there, and telling me that I realistically can't have it, at least by the standards we were told we could. I am waiting to discover what household chores still will miraculously be mine, even though DH will be home all day. I have a hard enough time just getting the counters wiped off, and dishes put into an empty dishwasher, in addition to getting him to clean up after my making dinner.

I think that when feminist thought of the perfect world, work and family in harmony, they were forgetting about men.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry.

I know that's hard to do- but kids go through phases. This is one of them. Try to be happy about it, it means your child has a good, secure attachment to to his caregiver. This is a wonderful thing for him (and you.)

A time will likely come when all he wants is mommy, daddy, etc.

One of the little girls I used to nanny for would stand at the door and cry for *hours* after I left. And I was p/t, with a sahm! She loved her mommy, but she also really bonded with me. It passed eventually, and then we hit a phase where she didn't want mom to leave at all.

He doesn't love his nanny more, he just sees her more during his week days.

[Anonymous]

I think "have it all" turned out to mean "have our choice of it all." I'm not sure what kind of career you have but have you considered working part-time/working from home/not working for a while at all?

Actually that's a silly question. I'm sure you have considered all of those things and more. I guess I am saying consider them a little more. For me parenthood changed my goals a lot and I've been much happier just letting myself be pushed in a different direction. For a while though I thought I'd be wasting all the effort I put into my career path if I just stepped aside from it. But after a while I just sort of decided that if all the work I put into my career only served to show me that I actually value something else more, it was still worth.

Not sure if that totally applies to you, just my two cents. Good luck

[Anonymous]

OP-I feel really bad for you...your post is heatbreaking. I can just imagine you at the front door after you walk out listening to hear your baby cry out.

I REALLY encourage you to look into reducing your work schedule and taking a cut. I took a 50% salary reduction and essentially a demotion in order to WFH PT (my son is still in DC, but only 20hrs a week). I feel strongly that these years are fleeting and priceless and can never be reclaimed--don't believe the hype work WILL ALWAYS be there. My employer is constantly pushing me to do more take on more b/c they know I'm intelligent and valuable, but my DS is my true life passion and I'm not missing out on anything for the world. I can tell from your post that you son is your passion too and your cry for help is heartbreaking.

FWIW-My DS LOVES his daycare and cries when I pull him away some days. This actually makes me happy because I know is caregiver is doing an amazing job. However, if her were there FT and did this, I could not bear it, even it it went away eventually.

Oh and BTW, we CAN't have it all, its a bunch of crap and a pack of idealistic, well intended, ideas that in reality have a painful trade off. Ever in search of the perfect balance....

[Anonymous]

I haven't experienced what you have, but I can imagine how it would make me feel. There was a similar post on the old forum last year. There were so many wonderful responses, I wish I had time to find it for you. But the gist of several responses was to try to focus on the positive; and that is that it sounds like you've found a wonderful caregiver. Children don't have a finite amount of love to go around. I truly don't believe DC loves you less, if that's how it makes you feel. Imagine the how much you're giving him by providing a caregiver that makes him feel secure and loved. Many, many women would probably love to be able to provide the same.

It's probably just a phase. But small changes in your schedule could make a difference. Such as shifting your hours so you come home at 5, instead of 6. Just a thought. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I agree that part of it is just a phase. But I also think that the secret to being a (reasonably) happy working mom is being comfortable with the fact that you are not always there for your child and that you're not always "number 1." For example, I'm okay with the fact that I don't know what my child does every day at daycare - I know the care is good and I know what the "schedule" is, but I don't always know what art projects they are doing or what books they are reading or new words they are learning. And I'm okay with the fact that my child is learning things there - I figure as long as he's learning, the source doesn't matter. My view is that DH and I are going to be his parent for the rest of his life; we're the ones who will be there day in and day out as he moves from teacher to teacher; we're the ones who will provide stability and set boundaries and create special memories. And having as many other people in his life who will help us, and who are loving and caring towards him, will only benefit him - I guess its the "It Takes a Village" viewpoint.

[Anonymous]

As much as I'm probably violating every standard of political correctness by saying so, the phenomenon you describe in your post is the primary reason why I would have chosen day care over a nanny even if we could afford the nanny (which we can't). At day care there is enough turnover and enough staff that DS will never get that attached to one caregiver other than his parents. Selfish of me? Maybe. But he is in day care only 40 hours a week (at least 10-15 of which he is sleeping) and spends the rest of his time at home/with his parents. He likes the day care and seems happy there, doesn't usually cry when my husband leaves, but he is always overjoyed to see me when I come to pick him up. (My other reason is that I don't trust people and would always wonder whether he was being ignored or abused behind my back -- day care has a level of transparency that makes me comfortable leaving my child there.)

As for having it all, I don't know what that even means, but if it was intended to mean that you can have a full career and a full and meaningful family life, absolutely not. For me, career is worthless -- I work only because I have to financially. I took a pay cut and switched from a "career" to a "job" in order to have a 40-hour work week. My son is the most important thing in my life, and it sounds like you feel similarly. If you can afford to, consider reducing your schedule, but I know that as in my situation, that isn't possible for most. I also agree with other PPs that it is a phase, he will grow out of it and express preferences for other people as he gets older, and that despite the time she spends with him, the nanny cannot replace the role of a parent in a child's life. So absolutely take the long view and know this will pass. In the meantime, I empathize with your grief -- I would be devastated also.

[Anonymous]

i am sorry you are feeling this. it is true though you can't have it all. you can't expect not to be there for your child's most precious bonding years and expect him to not bond with his primary caretaker which is the nanny. this is something that i see in dc all over and it puzzles me. maybe you can cut back your hours or just stay at home until baby is older. that is what i plan to do. the first years are the bonding years and you are missing out on that. washington has many working mothers who i feel are jipping themselves out of these first precious years with their children. there is a difference. i hired a full time nanny for a few months to help me when i had my second and the nanny's presence ruined the bonding experience. i could just feel something different. now that she is gone things are so much better and feel right. i don't mean to make you feel worse i am just giving you an honest answer which is you can't expect to work full time and have the same bonding experience with your child as a mom that doesn't work. this statement will i'm sure bring all sorts of inflammatory responses but i think we do each other a disservice to be dishonest about this subject. i wouldn't trade being home for the world. if you have a choice i'd either cut back hours or stay home full time. it is only for a few years then you can go back. an acquaintance of mine works 7-7 everyday and her children seem so lost and sad. it breaks my heart. she literally never sees them and you can tell a difference. i think it is unfair to tell women they can have it all. you can have it all....just not at the same time. good luck.

[Anonymous]

Bonding does not only occur in the frst few years of life. It is a life long process. I personally feel that I didn't bond with my mom until I had my own child (ha! ha!).

Please take comfort in the fact that your child is being treated so well by your nanny. This is a good thing and I have read that it is preferable for a child to form an attachment to one or two other people outside of their parents. This makes a lot of sense to me. They need to be able to trust others--you won't be able to be with them 24/7, esp. when they begin going to school.

I respect the emotions you are feeling, I feel that way sometimes when my chld prefers daddy or grandma over me (yes, a little different from an "outsider"), but I know, as others have posted, that she is going through phases.

When I put my child in daycare in a few months, I would MUCH rather have her cry when I take her away in the evening, as opposed to having her cry when I drop her off.

It is unfortunate that we all can't be SAHM. A good, caring caretaker that your child adores is the next best thing, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I really think it is just a phrase too and to make you feel better I get some of the rejections too.
DS1 cried for the 1st time in 1 year when nanny left the other day...I finally got out of him why he cried "mommy home, timeout lots". He has been getting more time outs from me lately. I try not to feel bad but continue to teach and do what is right and I am so happy he can tell me why he cried.

This morning it was the opposite from DS2, he held on to me for dear life and didn't want to go to nanny...that also made me felt sad
but I know is however he feels that moment and it will be okay...I did get lots of kisses and hugs from and to him and he was fine when I left to work...was late to work 10 minutes but BEST 10 minutes spent with my child!

Hang in there...try distractions when nanny leaves. I always offer horsy rides or look what's in mommy's purse, they love my credit cards and it works 90% of the time :=)

[Anonymous]

I think if you are arriving home at 6 every day and spending time after work and on weekends with your child, that is perfectly reasonable. It is what millions and millions of moms (and dads) the world over do every day, and contrary to the impression you can get from reading this board, there are many happy, nonconflicted working moms out there with bonded, wonderful relationships with their happy, well adjusted children. So before you take any drastic steps re. your career or schedule, and rather than just writing it off as a "phase," maybe you can work on making the situation as it is better for you and your child.

Your child SHOULD love and be bonded with your nanny. That is great. It sounds like you get that. Instead of worrying about what your nanny is doing and feeling competitive with your nanny, I would work hard on developing special routines and rituals with your child that are just yours alone. It doesn't matter whether she and the nanny do certain things, it just matters that you two have your own things as well. I also think you should consider whether you are rushing the transition from nanny to mommy. Nobody, child or adult, likes an abrupt shift. Do you come home and immediately throw yourself on your child and smother her with hugs and kisses? Kids especially need to have a structured transition from one activity to another--they can't be ripped from one world and immediately plunked into another. Work with your nanny on this. Your child and the nanny can develop a special goodbye routine. Maybe you walk in the door and instead of expecting your child to run to you, you say hello, go take off your coat, powder your nose or whatever, and that is the signal for them to "sign off" with a goodbye song or cuddle or hug or whatever. Make sure both you and your nanny are on the same page so that as soon as they've done their routine, she is out of there, even if the kid is having a fit. BUT, don't demand your child's attention until she has had a chance to say goodbye to her nanny. Then, once the nanny has left and before you do anything else, sit down in a special spot with her and read a book or sing a song or do whatever quiet, relaxed activity your child likes to do. In other words, create a predictable, structured routine from the nanny to you. This may take time, but make a plan, be consistent and stick with it. If your child cries, just sit quietly and wait for it to pass. Don't be overly sympathetic--just tell her you know she is sorry to see her nanny go, and that when she is done crying you will read her her book. And then wait. She will come to you.


I guess what I'm trying to say is be calm and gentle in expressing your love to her, and give her some room to breathe. Don't be frantic, don't demand it, let it flow naturally. Maybe this isn't your problem -- it wasn't clear from your post-- but I think sometimes we try too hard because we want so much to squeeze every bit out of the limited time we have with our kids, but then it ends up being something artificial and almost desperate. Its ok, your daughter loves you and she knows your the mommy. Be easy with her, be easy on yourself, and it will all work out.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,

Everyone has their own individual experience of mothering their children and you should absolutely do what you feel is the best solution for you and your family. As a FT WOHM who has always had nannies, I thought I would try to offer you some comfort that your experience does not mean that you are in any way second to the nanny or that you are missing out on your child's babyhood. Kids do go through phases and prefer different people at different times. It does not mean that they do not recognize who their parents are, any more than a child who goes through a "mommy" phase doesn't know who daddy is. I have now been through the whole process through school age and my kids were barely phased by changing nannies even after 5 years with the same live in nanny. They love her, but it was not in any way the same as their parents. I have what I think is a great relationship with my kids and feel totally bonded with them, but never stayed home with them and work in a demanding full time job. That being said, not everyone feels comfortable with that situation and each family should make that decision based on how they feel about it. Personally, I thought the one-on-one love with a nanny was great for my kids and never viewed it as being competitive with me. As a short term solution to your concerns, try to set up some things that are your routines with your child (and yours alone). And do make sure that you talk to your nanny so you know things like what he likes to eat. If it still doesn't feel better after a little while, then maybe you are not making the right choice for your family and need to reevaluate all your options.