Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is in so much pain that he can't even feed your kid. And yet your whole post is about you and how you make him feel bad for you.

Selfish witch

What is your problem? They had plans, plans are falling apart. Not everyone wants to create a martyrdom and wallow in it. Do you have a suggestion or do you just like everyone to suffer together if you are suffering?

Thanks -

I really don't think I'm a selfish witch. This isn't about making him feel bad for me, if I wanted that I would constantly talk to him about this. I try not to because it hurts him too to think we may not have more kids. But, yes, when it comes down to me caring for the children 100% it is a little bit about my capability, too.

You are quite right OP. It's not a reasonable expectation for anyone to be 100% in charge of raising any children. I think you have to come to terms with where you are -- husband cannot care for child at all. The reasons why or whether he could if he tried harder are irrelevant frankly. He can't. You can't be 100% responsible.

So the issue is what kind of assistance do you need? Are you there all the time at night? Then maybe you can be 100% in charge at night. But, if not you have to arrange coverage -- nanny, au pair, friend or relative who sleeps over, fellow parent you swap favors with, etc. There are many different options for the ways in which you can fill in at various costs. This is also a time to admit you need help to your community. Many of your friends would help if only they knew the troubles you were having and what you needed. There are many websites where people can organize how to pitch in to help families struggling with medical or other problems. I don't know what you need, but when a friend of mine's child got sick, we organized a constant train of food and support. Some "help" slots were to cook meals, others were to run errands, and still others were simply to keep the parents company at home or at the hospital. Maybe your husband could benefit from a calendar of joint playdates with another mom or dad (w/ or w/o their own child) who could provide physical assistance, while still giving the opportunity for Dad and kid to interact.

As for not being able to pick up and play with your daughter, she is not going to suffer if he can't pick her up. She is going to suffer if she doesn't get some kind of physical contact and attention from him consistently over the long term and doesn't understand why.

Also, please get yourself some therapy. Not because you are a horrible selfish person, you are not, of course. (and shame on those who said so). But, rather because being caretaker is a huge responsibility that changes the life you thought you would have in many ways and you need a neutral third party to help you work through your feelings about that and to create other options. Google about caretakers. You will see what I mean. It's often a problem that care taking spouses of veterans must grapple with.

This period is traumatic for both of you. Trauma often happens when are basic assumptions about how life works are upended. Some people are more resilient in the face of trauma. But, everyone can experience traumatic growth and re-configure their life paths, either maintaining the same goals and aspirations or finding new ones.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you still have not explained his diagnosis. Why did he have the initial 2 hip surgeries?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When was the back surgery? You make it sound like it was recent, yet no qualified doctor would allow a serious back injury to go unoperated on for 3 years. But you say he's never been able to lift your daughter up. Something isn't adding up, and I think it's your DH.

Back surgery was 3 weeks ago

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should consider getting a mother's helper for some periods. Like a high school or college kid to help at night with some of these things. 2-3 nights a week for at least a few weeks.

I know it's hard to spend money on the things we should reasonably be able to do. But you're stressed. And it's no one's fault. Take the help when you need it. I had to hire one for a finger-walking infant who refused to crawl and screamed her head off if we weren't killing ourselves walking her around the house. My mom couldn't keep up. All of our backs were jacked up bent over for 6-10 hours a day. That girl wouldn't stop moving and didn't care that babies should crawl. It gave us some needed relief.