I am codependent
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Confusedchaos
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I literally just left a toxic relationship with a narcissist.
I feel completely unsupported by my family. and I feel like I miss him even though he put me through so much abuse. YES, I am in therapy. YES, I am codependent. YES, I have been tolerating this abusive behavior for 4 years and YES, We have a 2 year old together. I am in my own apartment now just now starting my life over again. I have no friends. I have no support system. and I know my son misses his dad. Apart of me, just wants to walk away from even trying to be independent and just allow myself to be dependent on a man. I know it sounds stupid but it is honestly all I know. I am 23 years old. and I really feel like the weakest person ever and I feel like a terrible mother for leaving my abusive partner because our son loves his dad soo so so so sooo much! I am codependent so my therapist suggested I cut off all dating for a year and try to do it on my own. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER BEEN SINGLE. LIKE EVER. I normally would just contact an ex if something happened and move on from the pain I was feeling but now, I am forced to focus on staying single and not going back to relying on a man. I don't know why I am struggling with it so much. Why do I feel like I need a man? Why can't I be happy by myself? I was so desperate to be have that fairy tale love, that I literally stayed in an abusive relationship because I was to scared and weak to leave, but also because I waskind of used to the abuse and apart of me liked not having to make the tough decisions. I liked the security of being taken care of. But- It got to a point, that I could not stay any longer because my life, health was in jeopardy. He had started having unprotected sex with prostitutes along with the emotional, financial, sometimes physical abuse. I guess, my question is, how do I make this easier for myself? When I am feeling this depressed and alone in my apartment how do I convince myself to not go back to him? |
Anonymous
| If you're this wound up I think you need a new therapist. |
Anonymous
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Think of it like an addiction and take one day at a time. I think there might be 12 step groups for co-dependent people. Where do you live?
Therapy, support groups, taking good care of your health, getting exercise, pursuing things that interest you, volunteering to help others - these are all beneficial. |
Anonymous
Maybe, but maybe she has a good therapist who stirs up all of OPs realities and this is what swirls for the week inbetween sessions as OP processes and accepts. OP you are tremendously strong and brave to leave what was an abusive situation. I wish I could've had your courage and resolve when my kids and I were that young. Instead I stayed for ten more years of hell. This is normal in your circumstances and good for you for examining all these beliefs. For me, my parents only advice was marry someone who can provide for you. So I did. Things were great financially. Believing I could take care of myself went against everything I knew. Take good self care. Read self help books. I listen to praying by Kesha over and over. Normally I don't like her music much but I love this song. She was sexually assaulted by her music producer but still contracted to work with him for years more. The courts threw out her case. The song is her fighting back. It is my story too and hearing her bravery and strength helps me. So good self care - meditate, exercise, sleep, do yoga, take vitamins, eat good most of the time, take baths, treat yourself and find some mantras to tape to your bathroom mirror to affirm for you that you have courage, strength and just enough hope to find a better life. Change is tough as hell but you can do it. |
Anonymous
| Find some mommy and me groups to join. Take up a hobby, find a new job, enroll in some mom and tot activities. There's plenty to do to keep yourself busy and learn how to be and enjoy being independent. Keep going forward, do not go back. You can do this! |
Anonymous
| You're doing great! Good job! You got this!! |
Anonymous
| Stick it out Op and think of your child and the fact that you will only hurt him and yourself if you stay in an abusive relationship. You have already did the hardest thing by leaving. You are much stronger than you know. Give yourself credit. You have this! Without a man! |
Anonymous
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My brother is like this and has cut off all contact with our family. He's heavily codependent and in a mutually abusive (physically and emotionally) marriage.
If you were my friend (from before) or my relative, I'd want you to reach out to me. I can be there for you after you leave. I am not strong enough, however, to stand by and watch the abuse. If you have any friends like this, please reach out. I periodically reach out to my brother, but only a couple of times a year. So I have no clue if/when he will ever need moral support to leave. As an alternative, when I have left relationships, I feel absolutely despondent. Even if I do the leaving. In these situations, I immediately created new routines for myself. I like to read and I like to go to movies by myself. So I'd hang out at Barnes and Noble with coffee and a good book. Or I'd go to movies. I took up kickboxing once. Imagined kicking the dude in the face over and over and over.  Took a cooking class once. Started up a Sunday night dinner rotation with my friends. Each friend would cook dinner one week. Everyone else brought their favorite wine or beer to try. Book clubs. I just saw a pottery class advertised at the local community center. Join a gym or up your attendance.
And as a mom, I find my kid is a HUGE time suck. So that's a great mental diversion for me, from sadness and fear. I focus on my kid. You can do this. The first few weeks will suck. Know that. Know that it will get better. And create new routines. After awhile, you will find them comforting. And then you will start looking forward to them. |
Anonymous
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Oh, and follow this page on facebook. My emotional vampire. All about a woman who survived her narcissistic ex partner.
https://www.facebook.com/MyEmotionalVampire/ |
Confusedchaos
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The problem is, if he does not get his way or see our son whenever he likes, he gets super angry and very manipulative and controlling.
Ever since I left him, I feel empty and like so many different emotions are reappearing but I know that he is NOT going to stop until he either gets me back-or I get a restraining order and go to court. |
Confusedchaos
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| Oh, and I am pretty sure, he has my ENTIRE family believing I am the crazy one and screwing our son up because I left him |
Anonymous
| Look into books on emotional detachment. They offer tips and techniques to help reframe a codependent mindset. Really focus on letting go of making decisions to try and control your ex's behavior. I found some of the Buddhist text help with the letting go/releasing from drama,relationship rollercoaster. Good luck OP! You are not alone in this. One day at a time . |
Anonymous
If you are in Montgomery County, check out the Family Justice Center. They have resources, from protective orders, to counseling, to housing options, to job help, for victims of domestic violence. https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/fjc/resources/files/brochure4-21-09.pdf |
Anonymous
+1 You can do this OP. You are young, and you are strong. There is lots of good advice in this thread. I wish I had recognized and understood my situation earlier. I stayed for 13 more years and now I have three kids. I adore them, and I am their sole legal and custodial guardian. My ex still tries to stir up trouble for me - mostly financial, so I have to be vigilant. He sees the kids, but my oldest (18) has cut off all contact with him. I'm sorry your family isn't supportive, but it's pretty typical for a narcissist to try and turn people against their chosen victim. I hope they come around. But in the meantime, take care of yourself, and keep moving forward. Find sources of emotional support. Do not go back to him. Think of your son, you don't want him to learn this is what it means to be a man. And seek free legal help. That helped me get my head in the game. There are many women who have been in your shoes. It's hard, it feels like you are the only one. But you are not alone. You can do this. |