He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, he's always been low drive, but ok with once a week. Now, it's zero drive. We have had zero intimacy for the last 4 years (almost 5 years). He won't do anything about it, yet told me that if I go elsewhere it's cheating and he'll divorce me. He's great in all areas except no intimacy. We are roommates. I want a husband, not a roommate.

I don't get this guy. What does he want? When you say "zero intimacy," do you mean literally no hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc.? I don't see how someone denies these things to their spouse unless they've got serious resentment issues.

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08/01/2017 09:56

Subject: He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

Assuming you're in your 30s or 40s, you are not getting any more desirable to men. GTFO and rack up some pleasant experiences while you can.

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08/01/2017 10:19

Subject: He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:So leave. He's not giving you what you want. Move on.

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08/02/2017 10:23

Subject: He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried to initiate?

I am the only one that initiates. Rejection sucks when someone is ALWAYS "not in the mood"

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08/02/2017 10:24

Subject: He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 years married, he's always been low drive, but ok with once a week. Now, it's zero drive. We have had zero intimacy for the last 4 years (almost 5 years). He won't do anything about it, yet told me that if I go elsewhere it's cheating and he'll divorce me. He's great in all areas except no intimacy. We are roommates. I want a husband, not a roommate.

I don't get this guy. What does he want? When you say "zero intimacy," do you mean literally no hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc.? I don't see how someone denies these things to their spouse unless they've got serious resentment issues.

Op is female. No hand holding, rarely hugging, pecks on the lips. That's it.

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08/02/2017 10:25

Subject: He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:Divorce

No question

No matter how old the kids

Kids are 7 and 12

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08/02/2017 10:26

Subject: He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to marriage counseling? This is partly about sex, sure. But when you have one spouse who is completely selfish (and has been for years) it is beyond that. So if you don't want a divorce, get into counseling. Something else is going on more than low drive.

He refuses to go. Says there's nothing wrong.

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08/02/2017 10:27

Subject: He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? How old?

Yes 7 and 12

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08/02/2017 10:28

Subject: He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? How old?

How is this even remotely relevant?

NP here
I wouldn't ruin my kids childhood for sex.

That's why I am so hesitant on leaving. Yet am absolutely miserable otherwise. Seems very selfish to leave because of sex.

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08/02/2017 12:07

Subject: He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, he is not great in all other areas. He is selfish. There are ways to be intimate that don't involve him having an erection. For 5 years (!!!) He has put his own needs and desires over yours. And it doesn't even seem like you're asking him for a whole lot.

In my eyes, that's not a good spoise at all.

You just described 85% of wives on DCUM.

Pp here. While I think that's an exaggeration, I do think that ANY spouse who is not willing to make compromises (where one is possible) in a marriage is selfish and not.a.good spouse. A low/no libido spouse can find it in them to have sex at least every other week or every 3 weeks. And a high libido spouse can find it in them to masturbate more, not cheat, and not take out the lack of sex on their spouse.

Whenever this comes up on DCUM and the DH is complaining about a low libido female, there is always the chorus of screams "you are not entitled to sex, you are not entitled to her body, you can go masturbate to porn you pig".

Yet when it's a low libido male, the consensus is always "cheat or divorce him".

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08/02/2017 12:11

Subject: He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? How old?

How is this even remotely relevant?

NP here
I wouldn't ruin my kids childhood for sex.

That's why I am so hesitant on leaving. Yet am absolutely miserable otherwise. Seems very selfish to leave because of sex.

Here's the question: the kids most likely don't know you're not having sex (do you sleep together?) but is everything else they see positive? No conflict? You model affection and friendship?

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08/02/2017 12:16

Subject: Re:He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

OP, if husband won't go to counseling, maybe you should for your own sake? The counselor can help you navigate this issue in ways you may not be able on your own or through an anonymous board like DCUM. I will say this, your kids are at a precarious age if you decide to cheat and he leaves, the kids will suffer more than you can image.

I cheated and my kids (around your kids age) are still dealing with my ex leaving me 7 years later.

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08/02/2017 12:17

Subject: He doesn't want any intimacy but won't give me an open marriage

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Anonymous

If you have no kids I'd say to divorce.

If you do have kids tell him I'd start an email thread or text about it and get him to put his thoughts about this in writing that you haven't had any sex in 5 years, that he doesn't care that you need it. Also confirm that you askedabout open marriage.

Then I'd keep that, and go cheat discretelywtih a FWB. As this thread shows you'll have plenty of takers and can find a man in the same sitaution as you. Then see if you can handle marriage.

Good luck. That sucks. We have little sex in our house these days but the feeling seems to be mutual.