First date with a widower I met online

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[Post New]03/20/2017 19:59
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Anonymous
I've never dated a widower and I want to make sure I don't say anything insensitive, I won't discuss the subject unless he does but what do I say? His wife passed away 10 years ago.
[Post New]03/20/2017 21:22
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Anonymous
I went on a date with a widowed man once. I wasn't sure if or how he would refer to her and I chose to let him lead. He referred to her as his late wife and it was a brief story in reference to his kids. I offered empathy but mostly through body language and facial expressions. I wanted him to know that I was comfortable talking about her however he wanted.

I think it depends on what stage he's in and what happened to her, plus how comfortable he is speaking freely. I think being genuine, open and caring goes a long way.

If you feel sensitive to how the loss may or may not have affected him, it will come across.
[Post New]03/21/2017 07:49
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Anonymous
10 years is a long time. Insensitive is, on the first date, demanding way too many details of the wife's death, and that actually has happened.

But at 5 years, I visited my wife's grave on the anniversary of her death, then went biking with a friend, then attended a neighbor's cookout, then went on a dinner date. I didn't discuss my wife with people who had never met her. Life goes on.
[Post New]03/21/2017 09:20
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:10 years is a long time. Insensitive is, on the first date, demanding way too many details of the wife's death, and that actually has happened.

But at 5 years, I visited my wife's grave on the anniversary of her death, then went biking with a friend, then attended a neighbor's cookout, then went on a dinner date. I didn't discuss my wife with people who had never met her. Life goes on.


Did you have kids together?
[Post New]03/21/2017 10:40
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Lonely_Sojourner
Member Offline
OP: Just the fact that you're sensitive to such will likely be more than enough. My wife died ~three years ago and I recently began dating about a year ago. Learning how to date all over again has been nothing short of brutal as internet dating was in its infancy when I met my wife. Most of the ladies that I did go out with never asked any details, other than the basics. I even dated a lady for ~4 months and she never asked anything either. Given that his wife died ~10 years ago, I would think that you will have a bit more latitude, if you so desire.

L_S
[Post New]03/21/2017 11:16
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:10 years is a long time. Insensitive is, on the first date, demanding way too many details of the wife's death, and that actually has happened.

But at 5 years, I visited my wife's grave on the anniversary of her death, then went biking with a friend, then attended a neighbor's cookout, then went on a dinner date. I didn't discuss my wife with people who had never met her. Life goes on.


Did you have kids together?


Yes, a fantastic daughter in college.
[Post New]03/21/2017 14:42
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Anonymous
Like any first date a lot of personal history is shared. If he wants to mention it he will.
[Post New]03/21/2017 14:44
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:10 years is a long time. Insensitive is, on the first date, demanding way too many details of the wife's death, and that actually has happened.

But at 5 years, I visited my wife's grave on the anniversary of her death, then went biking with a friend, then attended a neighbor's cookout, then went on a dinner date. I didn't discuss my wife with people who had never met her. Life goes on.

You sound like a jackass. OMG!
[Post New]03/21/2017 15:53
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:10 years is a long time. Insensitive is, on the first date, demanding way too many details of the wife's death, and that actually has happened.

But at 5 years, I visited my wife's grave on the anniversary of her death, then went biking with a friend, then attended a neighbor's cookout, then went on a dinner date. I didn't discuss my wife with people who had never met her. Life goes on.

You sound like a jackass. OMG!


No he doesn't. He sounds physchologically healthy. He has friends a life etc, its been five years.
[Post New]03/21/2017 15:56
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:10 years is a long time. Insensitive is, on the first date, demanding way too many details of the wife's death, and that actually has happened.

But at 5 years, I visited my wife's grave on the anniversary of her death, then went biking with a friend, then attended a neighbor's cookout, then went on a dinner date. I didn't discuss my wife with people who had never met her. Life goes on.


Did you have kids together?


Yes, a fantastic daughter in college.


Good. It no doubt wasn't easy for either of you.
[Post New]03/22/2017 12:53
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:10 years is a long time. Insensitive is, on the first date, demanding way too many details of the wife's death, and that actually has happened.

But at 5 years, I visited my wife's grave on the anniversary of her death, then went biking with a friend, then attended a neighbor's cookout, then went on a dinner date. I didn't discuss my wife with people who had never met her. Life goes on.


Did you have kids together?


Yes, a fantastic daughter in college.


Good. It no doubt wasn't easy for either of you.


Sounds like he didn't care much for the dead wife.
[Post New]03/22/2017 13:04
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:10 years is a long time. Insensitive is, on the first date, demanding way too many details of the wife's death, and that actually has happened.

But at 5 years, I visited my wife's grave on the anniversary of her death, then went biking with a friend, then attended a neighbor's cookout, then went on a dinner date. I didn't discuss my wife with people who had never met her. Life goes on.


Did you have kids together?


Yes, a fantastic daughter in college.


Good. It no doubt wasn't easy for either of you.


Sounds like he didn't care much for the dead wife.


Not necessarily, and it's wrong of you to assume that.

OP, I married a widower about 15 years ago, and this has never been an issue. We never talked about it, because there was no need to, I guess. I'm not curious, so it seems irrelevant. They didn't have children, she didn't have much family, so there was little out there to remind him about her. We moved from the area where she was buried (for unrelated reasons).
[Post New]03/22/2017 13:41
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:10 years is a long time. Insensitive is, on the first date, demanding way too many details of the wife's death, and that actually has happened.

But at 5 years, I visited my wife's grave on the anniversary of her death, then went biking with a friend, then attended a neighbor's cookout, then went on a dinner date. I didn't discuss my wife with people who had never met her. Life goes on.


Did you have kids together?


Yes, a fantastic daughter in college.


Good. It no doubt wasn't easy for either of you.


Sounds like he didn't care much for the dead wife.


Oh you have no clue, nor did I give you one, because I'm not performing for your anonymous amusement. The point was, after some amount of time, it's a private matter, one doesn't have to bleed in public, it's therapeutic to do normal things in life, and there are new people to try to make happy.
[Post New]03/22/2017 14:37
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Anonymous
Oh, enough with the drama. In most cases, when a spouse dies, life does go on. Grow up.
[Post New]03/22/2017 14:53
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Anonymous
I lost my husband 3 yrs ago and I will mention him to people who didn't know him if it is relevant to the conversation. I think it would be weird not to! I am guessing those who don't mention the spouse are mainly men, as they tend replace the spouse more quickly.
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