How long did it take to get your DH trained? if it ever happened...

Forum Index » Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
[Post New]07/20/2009 15:26
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:How insulting to your husband that you see him as a dog that must be trained. Maybe a training class is what you need.


I think OP copied a subject line from another forum and didn't really mean "train", but interestingly enough, my DH and I were watching TV years ago and on it came a show about how to train a dog. We flipped the channels and there was a segment on how how to get your husband to do what you want. Seriously, it was the same steps (be direct, give lots of overly praise when the correct behavior is shown). We both just started at the screen and started laughing.

[Post New]07/20/2009 15:32
Anonymous
I asked my mother how she and my father are able to stay together currently going on almost 40 years. She told me one thing. Know that you can not change your husband. You have to accept who he is.

Now after the birth of our DD my DH did get more proactive in doing things, but that was after a lot of frank discussions with him and pointing out that I can not do the majority of the childcare, cook, and housework. He's a very proactive father, but that's really up to him (mostly) and you to decide.
[Post New]07/20/2009 15:36
Anonymous
DH is a terrific father, but oftentimes he sees the other chores (planning, meal prep, housework, daycare issues) as my duty (though I work FT). If he takes any of these off my plate, he did me a favor. I try to point out that he's doing it for the children in his capacity as a parent, not so much as a spouse. I don't look to him for gratitude when I get DD ready for daycare every single morning with lunch packed, etc. But if I need to switch a day with him, he looks for some kind of acknowledgement.
[Post New]07/20/2009 18:05
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I am so dang sick of these husband-bash fests. It is offensive to me to see you all call your husbands "DH" (darling husband, really?) and then say they need to be trained, as if they're dogs.



Me too. The women who feel this way aren't doing themselves any favors with this way of thinking. This is the person you love and care about. You chose to spend the rest of your lives together and you come on online forum asking for tips about training. There are some really crap husbands out there, but some women need to reflect on themselves and the attitudes they bring to a relationship.
[Post New]07/20/2009 18:23
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I am so dang sick of these husband-bash fests. It is offensive to me to see you all call your husbands "DH" (darling husband, really?) and then say they need to be trained, as if they're dogs.

Look, if you don't like the work-sharing dynamic, address it directly with him. Maybe kids are not a good idea for your family if you're constantly going to be tearing at each other about the division of labor. Or, maybe you just accept that, as mom, no matter how helpful your husband is, you're going to end up doing way more than 50% of the work.

Oh, and your husband knows to take the trash bag out. He's not retarded. He just doesn't do it. Classic passive aggressive behavior.


Are you stupid or you're just pretending? OP was clear that they face several cultural differences and not only dogs need training. Athletes, doctors, lawyers... everybody who wants to perform a task or skill properly needs training.
I'm so sorry for YOUR "DH"!!!
[Post New]07/20/2009 18:24
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am so dang sick of these husband-bash fests. It is offensive to me to see you all call your husbands "DH" (darling husband, really?) and then say they need to be trained, as if they're dogs.



Me too. The women who feel this way aren't doing themselves any favors with this way of thinking. This is the person you love and care about. You chose to spend the rest of your lives together and you come on online forum asking for tips about training. There are some really crap husbands out there, but some women need to reflect on themselves and the attitudes they bring to a relationship.

The same goes for you. Anybody in any profession/field that wants to perform a task or skill properly needs training. not only your dear pet or husband.
[Post New]07/20/2009 18:48
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am so dang sick of these husband-bash fests. It is offensive to me to see you all call your husbands "DH" (darling husband, really?) and then say they need to be trained, as if they're dogs.



Me too. The women who feel this way aren't doing themselves any favors with this way of thinking. This is the person you love and care about. You chose to spend the rest of your lives together and you come on online forum asking for tips about training. There are some really crap husbands out there, but some women need to reflect on themselves and the attitudes they bring to a relationship.

The same goes for you. Anybody in any profession/field that wants to perform a task or skill properly needs training. not only your dear pet or husband.


No, there is some truth to that poster's feelings. Yes, people do need to be taught to do any new job. But they will not learn if the expectation is that they are inept, are condescended to, and expected to fail or be mediocre in the best case. I think some posters reflect this negative attitude. If they were your boss at work, they would be the bad boss, who is tolerated only for a paycheck.
[Post New]07/20/2009 19:18
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am so dang sick of these husband-bash fests. It is offensive to me to see you all call your husbands "DH" (darling husband, really?) and then say they need to be trained, as if they're dogs.



Me too. The women who feel this way aren't doing themselves any favors with this way of thinking. This is the person you love and care about. You chose to spend the rest of your lives together and you come on online forum asking for tips about training. There are some really crap husbands out there, but some women need to reflect on themselves and the attitudes they bring to a relationship.


Yes, these are the spouses we chose to marry, but I think it's fair to say that many of us could not have predicted how parenthood would change the dynamic of our relationship. DH and I had a wonderful marriage and relationship, until we had kids. I still love him, but I don't always like him, and I'm sure he would say the same about me.

I think it's great that OP is thinking through these things now. Better to be proactive. I went though several months of sleep deprivation and resentment because DH and I had different expectations of each other, but never shared them. 18 months, and many, many frank discussions later, we are ok, but it was rough for a while.
[Post New]07/20/2009 20:11
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I am so dang sick of these husband-bash fests. It is offensive to me to see you all call your husbands "DH" (darling husband, really?) and then say they need to be trained, as if they're dogs.

Look, if you don't like the work-sharing dynamic, address it directly with him. Maybe kids are not a good idea for your family if you're constantly going to be tearing at each other about the division of labor. Or, maybe you just accept that, as mom, no matter how helpful your husband is, you're going to end up doing way more than 50% of the work.
Oh, and your husband knows to take the trash bag out. He's not retarded. He just doesn't do it. Classic passive aggressive behavior.



Why do you assume that as mom you're going to end up doing WAY more than 50% of the work. If DH (dear husband) is not "retarded" (your words) than why wouldn't you expect any less from them as you would from yourself. I work f/t just like DH and I expect him to do his share between the house and kids. When one is busy the other will pick up the slack, but my DH learned really quickly when we were married that I will not be the only one cleaning. He once turned a load of white laundry pink and I said - that's okay because my clothes are cheap now but you get it down by the time we can afford better clothes (I was still in college when we got married).

He did not learn how to clean from his family (they are not the tidiest people) so he learn from me (my mom is a clean freak). When he saw what it was like to live in a cleaner and more organized environment than what he was used to growing up he didn't want to go back. We are not clean freaks but he does his fair share. To OP, maybe don't jump to clean everything all of the time. Let something go for awhile and then ask if he can pitch in with that chore.
[Post New]07/20/2009 20:27
Anonymous
New PP here - - the woman pretty much always does more with the kids and house. Its in our DNA. There are exceptions of course but the 50/50 thing rarely exists that is unless you are keeping (and demanding) that score. I didn't know it was possible to do this much work but I do love my job (most days!).
[Post New]07/20/2009 20:29
Anonymous
Same thing happens to me, and it drives me crazy. I have had some luck after a few years -- whenever he pitches in, I praise him and acknowledge it. Wish he'd do the same for me.
[Post New]07/20/2009 20:36
maynie
Site Admin Offline
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am so dang sick of these husband-bash fests. It is offensive to me to see you all call your husbands "DH" (darling husband, really?) and then say they need to be trained, as if they're dogs.



Me too. The women who feel this way aren't doing themselves any favors with this way of thinking. This is the person you love and care about. You chose to spend the rest of your lives together and you come on online forum asking for tips about training. There are some really crap husbands out there, but some women need to reflect on themselves and the attitudes they bring to a relationship.

The same goes for you. Anybody in any profession/field that wants to perform a task or skill properly needs training. not only your dear pet or husband.


No, there is some truth to that poster's feelings. Yes, people do need to be taught to do any new job. But they will not learn if the expectation is that they are inept, are condescended to, and expected to fail or be mediocre in the best case. I think some posters reflect this negative attitude. If they were your boss at work, they would be the bad boss, who is tolerated only for a paycheck.


This is what I was thinking.
[Post New]07/20/2009 20:44
Anonymous
OK, maybe training has a bad connotation to it, but I think what the OP was asking was how best to handle a non-proactive husband who WANTS to be helpful but appears to be helpless when it comes to figuring out what to do himself. Honestly, if you don't have this issue, don't read the post.

Personally I have found my DH to prefer me giving him direct requests to me always being in a crappy mood, always stressed out and never happy. Seriously, from talking to my friends (and men) there are a lot of men out there who would be thrilled to know that the secret to happiness is just them taking out the trash or emptying a dishwasher. These same men are baffled by the words "just help out more!" Yes, yes, these are bright men who just don't see the house needs picked up. I don't know why, maybe for the same reason I can't watch 10 sporting events at the same time.

And yes, sorry, but there has been a ton of things written about the way to get a man to do more around the house is by praising them. It does help. It makes everyone happys, so I don't think it is dergoatory or harmful for us to talk about it. What is also helpful is giving them cookies (I saw someone else use this word, is this what we are calling sexual favors these days?)
[Post New]07/20/2009 21:14
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:New PP here - - the woman pretty much always does more with the kids and house. Its in our DNA. There are exceptions of course but the 50/50 thing rarely exists that is unless you are keeping (and demanding) that score. I didn't know it was possible to do this much work but I do love my job (most days!).


20:11 poster here - It's not in MY DNA! I just wouldn't put up with it. Again, I work f/t just like him so why in the world should I do more than DH? My expectations have always been that we would share the chores. I never planned on staying home after having kids so I've never expected the split of chores to change. I'd say he also does half with the kids also. I just don't understand why there is even a question. It may need to be expectations you set from the beginning.
[Post New]07/21/2009 09:02
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I just posted, but wanted to add that my DH did learn to be a bit proactive with my child. I found it very very important to leave your DH alone with the child. And when you return, if the child is healthy and decently clean and fed, don't judge. This is very difficult. In the beginning in often means more work (because you get home to find a pile of dirty laundry or the diapers need refilled), but eventually your DH gets enough confidence to start thinking for himself. And one day he realizes "hey, the diapers are almost out, I will refill them"


Let's get back on track. I totally agree with this PP and want to add that my husband also did learn to be a little more proactive when we had a baby. Before we had a baby, DH didn't do certain chores on his own initiative because he didn't believe they had to be done or at least done with the regularity that I believed they should be done. But when we had our daughter, he fell in love with her and wanted to do everything in his power to make sure she was taken care of at all times. Also, he genuinely enjoys most of the baby-related tasks so it's not such a burden.

So for the OP, I think the key is making sure that your husband genuinely wants to be a dad, understands what that entails and is excited to take on those tasks. If he's excited to do something, he'll do it. Without nagging.
Forum Index » Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
Go to: 

Search   Recent Topics   Hottest Topics