
copying from the dad's forum to listen to the other side of the story...
So, DH and I started the "baby talk". We're planning on getting pregnant. I want a spring baby so the time to start trying has arrived. I love him to death but like in any relationship there are a few things that I wish were different. He's not an organized person, neither am I so we struggle to keep the house tidy. We're bot very clean people so in this matter we're finding our balance. The thing is that DH comes from a culture where man have mom and sisters doing everything for them. I came from a culture where we share the work. He's very helpful around the house but I can't stand the fact that I have to tell him every single thing that has to be done. I started the "to do" list method and I still have to remind him about what has to be done. He'll trip on the full trash bag in the middle of the hallway but he won't put it outside in the trash can unless I ask him HON DO YOU MIND THROWING THE TRASH? He puts a smile up on his face and happily takes the trash. I'm so scared that we'll have a crying/screaming baby in the house and he won't realize that he just has to reach and put a pacifier on or just hold and rock the baby. I'm so scared that I'll have to tell him what to do for the rest of our lives!!! He takes my "suggestions" very well and he doesn't mind being told what to do but it drives me nuts the fact that I have to give directions for every single task that has to be accomplished. I think that my main question is... was your DH always pro-active? if not, did he change? how long did it take? if he didn't change how do you live with it? thanks and sorry for the long post. |
My DH sounds identical to yours. Unfortunately, personalities are just that... Personalities! You can't change them. You will have to accept the fact that he will need a push to do the things that you think are obvious. I have two children and sometimes it drives me crazy that i have to tell him to put their dishes in the sink or wipe off the table but he is FANTASTIC with the kids and he helps in other ways that are invaluable. I have learned (and I do regress at times) that it is easier to give him some reminders than to stay upset all the time. Your children will be fine - trust me, he may trip over the garbage but he won't forget about your kids! |
Don't count on him changing when a baby arrives.
I think men are generally less pro-active than women on this stuff, and I see no evidence of that changing in any meangingful way with a baby. It helps to give him "regular" tasks...i.e., while I"m nursing the baby to bed, you need to wash the pump parts and bottles. Personally, I just had to get over my reluctance to tell him what to do (I hate it, it feels like I'm being a nag, and I really wish he would think of this stuff myself) and by and large, he takes it pretty well. Good luck. |
I don't like to do it, but I can pretty much get DH to do, or agree to do whatever I want if I give him a BJ. |
He won't change. Just let go of your reluctance to tell him to do things, and as one PP mentioned, give him specific tasks, even if you have to remind him. I've been with my DH for 9 yrs, and I still have to remind him once in a while to make sure the door is locked and please turn on the alarm. These are minor...imagine the bigger issues. You just learn to tell him to do things. It helps if they'll happily do it. |
He probably won't change. When we had our daughter, i realized that I actually had two kids to keep on top of! He is a great dad but working fulltime and running the show at home has tired me out. i don't understand why he can't be proactive and figure our what needs to be done (and our daughter is now 2). In fact, just last night we went out and I told him to pack up our daughter's stuff. We get to the restaurant and she promptly poops. it is so obvious and it doesn't dawn on him to change her. When I finally bring it up, he asks me where the diapers are. Hello???? Weren't you in charge of her stuff???
Here is another example...we went to a friend's house. They have 2 dogs and a huge yard, which was freshly mowed. By the time we got home, our kid was covered in dog slobber, sunscreen, bug spray, grass and dirt. As soon as we walked in the house (already past kid's bedtime), my husband grabs a drink and goes straight to the tv. I was so annoyed. Excuse me, can you get her milk, or give her a bath, or at least take of her clothes and make her bed? Something???? Help? Do I have to spell everything out for you?!?! Must I be the only one who thinks around here? He is a good guy but it is so draining on me that I realized there is really no way i could have another kid. Sad as it is but the thought of parenting an infant, a toddler and a grown-up is just too much. Yes, he does things when I ask, but that isn't enough for me. I really wished he was more intuitive and less needy. I wish he would take charge so i can catch a break. I know i am not offering up anything useful, but you can see how frustrating things can be when you both aren't on the same page, at least once in awhile. My advice to you is to get him to take on as much child care duty as soon as your baby is born. Make it his habit, not yours. As the mom, you will be the baby expert, but keep husband involved with everything, every step of the way. Make him be the one to do the baths, change diapers, put to bed, feed (if you use bottles). At the least, he won't have the excesuse my husband came up with (you are with the baby all day - I don't know what she wants). |
Please give up trying to change him. It won't work. You'll just be frusterated and he won't ever understand why. Just accept the fact he will trip over a full bag of trash and never see it. He is no doing it out of spite or laziness. He just cannot see it. Accept it! With the acceptance, I swear comes some sort of peace.
Next, find a way to work with it so that it does NOT drive you insane. My DH actually is OK with to-do lists. He also does well with a division of labor. My biggest problelm is sometimes I get the crazy idea in my head that if I do one of his things - like mow the grass - he will turn around and do one of mine - like vacuum. This does not work. There is no trade-off mechanism in my DH's head. So I've learned to leave his tasks for him. Be specific with your DH. You need him to help. Don't say you need help. Say specifically what you need to do and WHEN (my DH seems to think take the gargabe out means sometime in the next 3 weeks). |
He isn't going to change, but sitting and fuming because he doesn't spontaneously do what you want is a surefire way to cause you to resent him (see the PP with two "kids"). Just ASK HIM NICELY to do X, do your own chores at the same time, then do something fun together when you are both done. I don't see why everyone wants to make such an emotional issue out of why our DHs can't read our minds. |
I just posted, but wanted to add that my DH did learn to be a bit proactive with my child. I found it very very important to leave your DH alone with the child. And when you return, if the child is healthy and decently clean and fed, don't judge. This is very difficult. In the beginning in often means more work (because you get home to find a pile of dirty laundry or the diapers need refilled), but eventually your DH gets enough confidence to start thinking for himself. And one day he realizes "hey, the diapers are almost out, I will refill them" |
it's not about reading minds, it's about seeing what needs to be done, and doing it, rather than always waiting to be told. remembering trash night, knowing when we're out of toilet paper, knowing when the daycare payment is due.... |
How insulting to your husband that you see him as a dog that must be trained. Maybe a training class is what you need. |
I agree with 13:03. DH has begun to be a little more proactive. If he notices that I've been assembling bottles for day care and putting away clean dishes, he'll offer to load the dirty ones. (Dishes are a shared chore--but I do them more often.)
Also, we shared the cooking evenly before, but now he has started cooking dinner almost every night (on his own) while I get the baby's dinner ready and start feeding her. I've told him when I've been at my wit's end in the past that I need more help, as we both fork full time. He doesn't always "get" it (tripping over the trash) but it's getting better. |
No, actually it is insulting to ME that he can't figure out what needs to be done and do it. It's not my fault he doesn't get it and needs to be trained. |
Before this thread gets off track. Best advice I've read so far is to ask DH to do certain tasks on a regular basis. Such as: DH does the diaper when baby wakes up. Or DH does bath time such-and-such days. Or DH takes out the diaper genie once a week. Habits.
"Training" can refer to all sorts of situations, not just a dog. If your DH already does things with a smile on his face, that's a good start! |
I am so dang sick of these husband-bash fests. It is offensive to me to see you all call your husbands "DH" (darling husband, really?) and then say they need to be trained, as if they're dogs.
Look, if you don't like the work-sharing dynamic, address it directly with him. Maybe kids are not a good idea for your family if you're constantly going to be tearing at each other about the division of labor. Or, maybe you just accept that, as mom, no matter how helpful your husband is, you're going to end up doing way more than 50% of the work. Oh, and your husband knows to take the trash bag out. He's not retarded. He just doesn't do it. Classic passive aggressive behavior. |