spending the holiday with my usually angry parents
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Anonymous
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My parents, who are in their late 60s, have unfortunately become "angry victims." They've sort of always been this way, but as they get older, it's gotten worse. They live very comfortable lives, have amazing pensions, could pretty much do as they please for the rest of their lives. Still, the way they act, you'd think they spent their lives in a miserable, war-torn country watching their enemy burn down their homes and publicly execute everyone they know. To make it worse, they have a racist streak and blame minorities for "the way things are." I'm so sick of hearing it. It's gross; if they're not happy at this stage of their lives, the only people they should blame are themselves for dropping out of college and not being brave enough to change jobs, move to a new neighborhood, etc.
Alas, it's yet another holiday with them and I'm so close to telling them to shut the he$$ up. How do you tell elderly people to grow up and be happy with the good fortune they've had in life for once? I just can't deal with it anymore. I've tried to tell them nicely that I'm not interested in their rantings, I've done the look through them with a blank stare and changed the subject to food... I'm thinking I'm going to finally lose it on them this Christmas. I'm tired of hearing them refer to themselves as "good people" when in fact they are not "good people." |
Anonymous
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You don't. You don't get to decide how they should live; you don't get to say whether they are happy or how they could be happier. You are not in charge of them.
You are in charge of YOU. If you are miserable and judgmental and sad and disappointed when you are around them, DON'T BE AROUND THEM. Or at least limit your time. If they make comments you don't want to hear, either choose to ignore it or choose to say, "I'm not comfortable with you saying that kind of thing in my presence." If they continue, LEAVE. By continuing to be around them and stew over how you think they should live their lives, you are making YOURSELF unhappy. Take some responsibility here. If they are not good people, then don't be around them. If you feel you must be around them, make it brief. |
Anonymous
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You will probably be like them when you are their age. You think you won't, but you likely will be.
As my grandmother used to say, it's no fun getting old. Look through fresh eyes and have some compassion. |
Anonymous
OP here. I've met concentration camp survivors who are more pleasant to be around, who even smile more, than my parents. That's the point. I thought you're supposed to grow wiser with age. My grandmother lived through the depression in an apartment with roaches and 6 children and didn't act this way. She was denied an education by her parents who thought girls were only good for extra money (child labor ok because it's more money for us and she didn't act this way. These are the same people who reminded me every day of my childhood to love Jesus and thank him for all I have and be grateful. What happened to that philosophy? |
Anonymous
| My psychiatrist says she's never met anyone over 70 who cares about anyone but themselves. Any time you spend with them is doing them a favor - it's a good deed on your part. In therapy, I'm working on my anger at my parents, so that maybe I can connect with them before it's too late. I enjoy therapy. Just started this year, at 43. Therapist is helping me understand that they are limited, they are disappointing, but hey, you don't get to choose them. You decide if you want to connect or not. It's good to make yourself a little uncomfortable so you can set an example for your kids. But there's no need to go through torture. Unless and until they are in crisis and absolutely need your help. |
Anonymous
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You do get that you are a hyper-judgmental jerkface, right?
"Ugh, every time I stand too close to this freaking fire, it is too hot, and it burns me! What should I do?!?!" Don't stand so close to the fire, dum-dum! |
Anonymous
| God makes teenagers and old people mean because otherwise we'd never be able to let them go. |
Anonymous
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Make plans to get away from them at regular intervals and drink alcohol. It would be great if they made different choices but they are what they are.
I had to constantly limit my time around my parents because they were hyper critical of me. Sadly, just hearing them rant about nameless faceless others was a respite from being personally attacked. |
Anonymous
This is brilliant. |
Anonymous
What?! This is not true. The vast majority of elderly are happy people who then get grandkids and children to surround them in old age. I love my grandparents and parents dearly. |
Anonymous
| very disrespectful OP. |
MikeL
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Bullshit. You'd be happy to be around people like that? |
Anonymous
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op, my parents and family are very similar. They bicker every day, but are retired with a good federal pension and are in good health for being in their 70s. They fight so much it makes it hard to go home. (7 hours away.)
My tips: 1) Limit your time there to 3 or 4 days max. 2) take a walk or get out of the house solo daily 3) stop trying to change them or have them see your side. It sounds like you have had those conversations and they haven't been receptive. 4) read up on al-anon--similar perspective of letting things go when loved ones aren't "behaving correctly" 5) see a therapist after the holidays to talk about how to manage your feelings about them on an on-going basis. |
Anonymous
Right, PP. A vast majority - given your scientific sample of 2-4. 
Aging is hell. It's hard to handle. People get cranky. |
Anonymous
Then why take all the meds, have all of the procedures done that all of the elderly have? If life sucks, let go. Do they just want to stay alive to drive everyone else nuts? |