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What Should I Do For A Friend With A VERY Premature Baby?
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Anonymous
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My good friend and her husband have been trying for several years to have a baby. They've had a ton of heartbreak, but earlier this year they announced they were expecting. Last week she developed problems with her blood pressure and was hospitalized. I got an email earlier today that she had to deliver the baby this morning -- at 26 weeks and 5 days. The baby is 1 1/2 pounds.
For those who have been there, I have several questions: What should I do for my friends? They live on the west coast, so sitting with them, walking their dog, etc. are not options. But I want to do something to give them support and let them know I'm thinking of them. What will they need most? Is it inappropriate to congratulate them on the birth of their son? I know this isn't how they wanted him to arrive, and I know that he faces significant hurdles. But they are parents now and have a child, and it feels wrong not to congratulate them and celebrate to some extent. Do I send a gift now? Again, it feels wrong not to send a gift. But my honest fear is that I'll send the gift and the baby will die before they receive it, and it will just cause them more pain. And what kind of gift do I send? Is there anything a preemie would need? Any other advice/suggestions that will help me support them are certainly welcome. And any uplifting stories about babies born this early who have thrived are also welcome! |
Anonymous
| I think you should absolutely congratulate them. My friend had her baby at 28 weeks and 1 pound, 13 ounces. She is doing great now at nearly 4 lbs and will go home soon. What they really appreciated was things like gas cards (lots of trips back and forth to the hospital), gifts of food (Omaha Steaks) and gift cards to local restaurants where they can get take out. As the bay grows, they appreciated micropreemie outfits. |
Anonymous
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I haven't personally had this experience, but I have a friend who had a baby at 23w6d and 1 lb, 1 oz. He's still handing in there about 10 weeks later but has had a lot of complications including heart and bowel surgery, and will now need eye surgery.
I would certainly congratulate your friend. No, it's not the birth she envisioned but it's still her baby and I'm certain they are completely in love already. You might send a gift, but there's not much the baby will need now -- maybe something for the mom? Your friend will inevitably be spending a lot of time at the hospital and be exhausted so anything to help her out like having a meal delivered would probably be welcome. My friend left a disposable camera at her son's bassinet so the nurses could take pictures during the day when she wasn't there -- maybe send some cameras and coupons for film developing? Or digital disposable cameras? My friend wants to talk about the baby a lot -- so don't be afraid to ask how the baby is doing and then listen to the details and ask questions. She's probably learning more about preemies than she ever thought she'd know. |
Anonymous
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As a mom of preemie twins I think the one thing you can do is CONGRATULATE your friend. Too many people avoided us or sent "We're so sorry!" responses to our birth announcement. A simple Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I know he is really early but we are praying/sending positive thoughts/whatever for your family and want you to know you are in our thoughts always.
I would then hold off on sending a gift, but down the road as the baby grows and spends more time in the NICU you might consider sending the couple a gift card to get out for dinner. I was so thankful for one last date night before our twins came home. 26 weekers are obviously very fragile, but the majority survive. Your friend and her child have a long road ahead, and she is going to need your support more than ever in the coming days/weeks/months. Let her know you are there to listen. That is such a wonderful gift to give her. Your friend is in my thoughts. BTW, my friend had a 25w1d baby who weighed 1lb. and she is now 5 with NO lasting issues due to her prematurity. 
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Anonymous
| There was a story on preemies recently in People and how they are now in their teens. I left it for my friend who had her baby at 26 weeks and she called me later and cried and said thank you. She said she really needed to see that there was hope. |
Anonymous
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I'd recommend sending food through a delivery service. Your friend and her husband are likely spending most of their time at the hospital or traveling back and forth from their house to the hospital. They are likely too stressed to focus on eating and probably aren't spending any time focusing on themselves, but they need nourishment to deal with all of this stress. I had preemie twins at 29 weeks and was VERY grateful for the food people provided.
I would wait a bit on the baby gift for the reason you mentioned. If the baby does well and gets past a month or two, preemie clothes or any books are always a great gift. The baby does have a real chance of survival. While my kids were in the NICU, I saw many pictures of success stories posted on the walls. Some of these children were under 1 lb. when they were born. Technology and medicine have come a long way, so while your friends have a struggle ahead of them, including a long NICU stay, this can and hopefully will work out. I wish them the best! |
Anonymous
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Its sound like your friend had severe PE. I had this along with HELLP and delivered at 33 weeks, a much different story from 26 weeks. The NICU is a very stressful experience and micropreemies change day by day, it really is a roller coaster. Most micropreemies have set backs along the way and its a long road. Outcomes are hard to know and depend on gestation, birth weight (PE can cause IUGR, DD was much smaller than a 33 preemie for someone who had say preterm labor), and whether she was able to get steroids before the delivery for the lungs.
Definetely congratuate her and send a gift. You treasure your preemie and its your baby. The worst thing is for people to not to acknowledge or show they fear the worst because you are clinging to hope everyday. Gifts for mom could be hand lotion (my hand were raw from the handwashing), or gift cards for restaurants near the hospital or her home (we went days without eating). For the baby gift, go with what you were originally planning. The baby will be in the NICU for a while. You can google micro preemie clothes and they have some clothes designed to allow the leads and IVs. The hospital provides little t-shirts but it was so nice when someone gave us some preemie clothes and we could put DD in her own clothes. You could also post this question on preeclampsia.org. Its a great forum. Lots of micropreemie moms are on the board and can give good suggestions. |
Anonymous
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I work in the NICU and one common complaint of parents is that friends send them sympathy cards or I'm sorry cards and they just want people to congratulate them on the birth of their child! Giving them something that helps with the day in and day out is what would be helpful. Having a baby in the NICU takes its toll financially. Gas cards, restaurant gift cards, or delivery of prepared meals ( like dream dinners or Thyme out) are helpful. Do they have someone to clean their house or keep their lawn? When you have a baby in the NICU the only thing that is important is your baby and you need help with all the daily tasks. I would send a baby gift when they have a discharge date - a gift you would send to anyone having a term baby. Just some thoughts-
Oh - one last thought. A family in our unit recently left after a 3 month stay in the NICU and they bought one of those frames that you can sign the matte and they brought it in for over a week and had all the nurses, nurse pracitioners, respiratory therapists, doctors, etc,. that took care of their baby sign the matte. I thought that was such a wonderful idea! |
Anonymous
| My baby was hospitalized a few times as a newborn (not preemie, but with many medical issues) and the things I most appreciated were (1) food delivered to our house - it was the only food I could swallow because it felt like love and didn't stick in my throat at a time when my stress level was through the roof, - and even though I tended to crave carbs, what I really needed was protein, so the roast beef sandwiches are what I remember most!, and (2) care packages delivered to the hospital with things like throat lozenges, eye drops, ear plugs, tea bags, packets of honey, thermal cup, magazines, essential oils to inhale for stress reduction, and so on. The hospital is very dry and overly bright and noisy. An inexpensive MP3 player on which you've recorded relaxing music or guided meditations might be nice. Think about loving, caring things you would do for her if you were nearby, and use creativity to turn those into comforting gifts. |
Anonymous
| delivered food would be great--my fave sites are zingerman's and harry and david. |
zumbamama
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| I delivered at 27 weeks. I remember what I needed the most was preemie clothes! I had tons of newborn clothes ready, but I was not prepared to clothe a preemie. I would congratulate your friend, tell her about all the MILLIONS of preemie success stories (so amazing what they can do now) and I bet she would appreciate a few preemie outfits. |
Anonymous
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Mother of a very preterm baby here.
How good a friend is this friend? What she is going through (and will be going through for months) is the hardest thing that she will ever do. In fact, it's a harder thing than most people will ever have to do. (Because she will be facing the very real possibility of her child's death or severe disability every day for a long time to come). If you're close enough that you flew somewhere for her weddding, then get on an airplane and go help her for a few days. It will mean more to her than you can possibly imagine. Certainly, it's harder than sending flowers or a restaurant gift certificate. But it's also so much more meaningful. And you may not even need to go -- just offering will be so appreciated. And to chime in with the others: of COURSE you congratulate her. Ask her all the regular questions: who does the baby look like? how did she decide on the name? It will help her to feel a little bit normal. |
Anonymous
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Preemie mom here--I would most definitely congratulate your friend--I remember when DD was born the first day I barely noticed how tiny and fragile I was because I was so blessed for the miracle I had been given.
Also, agree with PP on preemie clothes and food--my gosh FOOD! Yes! |
Anonymous
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I don't have advice, but just want to say how much I love this board with threads like these.
My heart is with the OP, for how she is looking out for her friend, and everyone else who shared their stories and offered support. |
Anonymous
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We spent over 3 months in the NICU. Definitely congratulate them and say how beautiful the baby must be, etc.
Going to the NICU with lunch, dinner, coffee was always appreciated although I often did not want people to actually see my child- I just wanted them to sit with me in the waiting room (if that makes sense.) You are a good friend! |