Is this verbal abuse?
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Anonymous
| Dh lost it today when our almost 7 year old was being especially insolent. I tried talking to our kid about how it upsets the whole family and it upset the child further. Dh walks in screaming about how my method makes child worse and how I set him off and how child is lazy and a spoiled brat. Goes on to say that he and other child should leave us because we are both crazy and how we deserve each other. I am stunned and angry . I love my family and I don't think most people would describe me as crazy. I just don't know what is going on and whether he is just saying these things in the heat of the moment or what is going on, and I just. Hurt. Inside. |
Anonymous
| I would tape your hsband. Keep phine close by |
Anonymous
| Yes. It's verbal and emotional abuse. |
Anonymous
|
What DH did was disrespectful and abusive if done in front of the child. But your approach, unfortunately isn't great either for a 7 year old. Simplicity and natural consequences are best. If the child is already out of control, they can't stop and reason with you in that moment, let alone be made responsible for how everyone is is upset. That's gulit-tripping them and not appropriate. If the child was jumping on and off the couch, just say firmly, "Larla, couches are not for jumping on. Please stop or you'll have to go to your room." Next jump, say, "It's time to go to your room now." And help escort her out if necessary. Give a short time out. The rule of thumb is a minute per year of age.
I recommend reading a good parenting book at minimum. "Parenting With Love and Logic" is good, but a parenting class that you can go to together would be best. Ask your pediatrician's office for a recommendation. https://www.loveandlogic.com |
Anonymous
Yes it was in front of the kids. Also thanks for your recommendations but what I did was appropriate because DS got upset and said he hated us. I think the appropriate consequence is to explain how words like that your family. In my opinion that's not inappropriate parenting. I'm not perfect but it seems important to point out how words make people feel. |
Anonymous
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Was this an isolated incident OP?
Or does he tend to go off the rails like this often? It's hard to say if this is actual abuse or just a one-time moment of someone releasing a bunch of pent up anger. If I had to give you a definitive answer on this now, my answer would lean toward verbal abuse however. I just don't want to use the term lightly. |
Anonymous
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Yeah it is and it definitely suggests anger issues.
I would be concerned (aka planning an escape plan) |
Anonymous
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i get you're upset, but it doesn't sound abusive to me in the sense that he's not really putting you down but is angry with how you are handling your sons behavior. clearly you are not comfortable with yelling, but many parents do this. its not great for him to be blaming you in front of the kid, but i think its pretty common in families during a moment of crisis for the parents turn on each other. and calling out a kid who is acting like a spoiled brat does not qualify as abuse, especially if its true.
you and dh need to sit down (when things are calm) and figure out a team approach to deal with your 7 yo's behavior at the next disruption. he thinks your lectures aren't working, maybe he's right/wrong, but what does he suggest? grounding? being sent to room? that may mean he needs to have leeway to take a firmer approach so that he does not feel things will keep getting out of control. frankly, it sounds a little like you are pretty passive aggressive by coming to a forum to look for fuel to use against your dh. you need to make this less about you and more about you and dh dealing with your child's behavior as a unified team. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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20:51 again. After your explanation here I will agree with you about explaning about the impact of hurtful words. I will suggest though, that the explanation can wait until the incident is over with and best done privately.
Good luck, OP. Marriage and parenting are very, very hard. My suggestion for taking a parenting class is for your husband's benefit as well. It hopefully gets you both on the same page and working as a team. |
Anonymous
No, the PP *is* correct. You need a different approach to deal with the heat of the moment. That is not the time to try to have a rational discussion with a 7 yo. Another book recommendation is Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child. |
Anonymous
| Not abuse. Not every instance of anger or disagreement is abuse, FFS. |
ThatBetch
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+1 Don't people just argue anymore? Occasionally get angry and say things they don't mean? Anytime someone's spouse disagrees or dislikes something or has an opinion, someone on this board jumps to "ABUSE!!!" And the narrative is always "Meek, innocent, doormat spouse gets abused by Angry! Ogre! Monster! spouse". While I'm sure that dynamic does actually happen sometimes, I find it really improbable that it's happening as often as these threads would have us believe. |
Anonymous
No. Do you say that it be of crap to your boss? Then don't save it for your wife and kid. |
Anonymous
Still doesn't make it "abuse"....inappropriate, sure, abuse, no. |