How to learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries?
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Anonymous
OP here. The examples people have provided are the kind of thing I struggle with. I'll get asked if I can do something for someone, and I have nothing on my schedule that HAS to get done right then, but it all adds up. It sounds so easy to say that you just have to be ok with people being mad at you. And yes, you're probably right. But just the thought of that makes me feel anxious (and I'm not someone who regularly suffers from high anxiety)! I am conflict averse in general, even when I feel I have legitimate gripes with a friend. I guess I have to figure out what I'm really afraid of. Maybe that I am not inherently likable, as another PP said. I know intellectually that that's not the case, but man, this is hard stuff. How do you get past this roadblock? I read the Boundaries book years ago, but maybe one reading is not enough. I will re-read it. |
Anonymous
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Most people prefer assertiveness over aggression. When you aren't assertive, you could eventually explode. Then everyone really hates you for being so aggressive.
Be prepared for pushback if you start saying no. Think of these interactions as negotiations. Instead of saying no, say what you can do. "I can complete the first item by this Friday." |
Anonymous
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Another book to read is The Gift of Fear, for its insight on how boundaries work. Many of us want to be seen as nice, and we're basically nice people. Any time you notice people won't take no for an answer, and are pushing you, cornering you, badgering you with questions, step back and understand they have an agenda, and it's not in your best interest. They are pushing the boundary you have set. And any time someone does this, you need to listen to your inner warning voice and stand firm. Even if it's just about extending babysitting when you really don't want to, or whatever. Learn to recognize and respond defensively to boundary pushers.
That always helps me. A person who doesn't want to push boundaries and has a healthy agenda does not overstep, and if you indicate reluctance in any way, they step back and do not push. Another thing I always say to myself is "When you stop pleasing people, people are not pleased." There's pushback when you stand up for yourself and assert boundaries. It's not about you, it's their problem. People who habitually push boundaries and take advantage of others will get mad, will badmouth you, show their displeasure in some way, because you are not doing what they want. It's their problem, not yours. They may see others as there to serve their needs, and anyone who doesn't is bad. But having strong boundaries means you define yourself and no one defines you. And if people don't like you or the fact that you won't do something, it's their issue. |
AnnaTjacks
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What type of boundaries are you trying to enforce? I know with my kids I had to set boundaries in getting them to help take care of their home. I was a young mother trying to do everything and exhausted. My husband looked at me one day and asked, "Why are you doing all the housework when the kids are just playing and having fun?" So a lightbulb came on in my head. I started setting up lists for them to do every day. When they were out of school during the summer they did more chores to do. Life became very easy for me. Yes, kids will moan and groan at doing various tasks but my motto is be sad until you get glad. You still have to do the work. There is only one you. Take time out for yourself and whatever bothers you be willing to discuss it. You seem to be a very sweet and kind person that just want to make everyone happy. But you need to be happy too! So that means being very open and deal with things where boundaries need to be set. I found this interesting article that may help. It talks about setting boundaries for kids.
http://bit.ly/2c584fr |
Anonymous
Thanks. Those parts I bolded were real revelations to me. You're so right. Sometimes it's been so ingrained that the happiness of others is worth more than your own, and it takes some doing to uncondition yourself. And I do tend to often keep hurts inside, which only make them twice as hurtful in the end. There has been a lot of good advice in this thread that I think will give me some solid ways to work on all this. I owe it to myself as well as to my kids, to be a good role model for them, which is something I didn't have. I have to remember that being good to myself is ultimately also good for others too. And by the way, another example of the type of situation in which I have had difficulty setting or enforcing boundaries is when I am being asked questions. I often feel I am obligated to answer questions, even when there's an unending stream of sometimes gratuitous questions (from a demanding child), or when answers are demanded to matters that are really none of someone's business (most notably by my ex, who, not surprisingly, is also someone who pushes and pushes and pushes against boundaries). When I do sometimes deflect a question, and then get pressured, I start to feel stressed. I will try to self-talk next time and remind myself that this is their issue, not mine. |