How to learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries?
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Anonymous
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I have trouble knowing where to set boundaries and then how to enforce them, with significant others, my kids, friends, you name it. I'm naturally an easy-going and generous person, but I find that I give too much of myself away sometimes, and then I feel sad or frustrated or kind of like I've lost myself. I often don't even have a good sense of what my own needs and wants are. I didn't have good role models with my parents, so I know where this comes from.
If you started off like this but managed to get to a better place, how did you do it? |
Anonymous
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Pay attention to your gut or that little voice in your head. Don't do mental gymnastics to try to get to where you can do what the other person is asking (well, I COULD slot that in if everything goes perfectly and Suzie's game doesn't run late, etc.). Really tap in to where your body holds stress or gives you its little alarm bells. For me, it is my gut. Then when that little alarm goes off, don't talk yourself into doing whatever the thing is or accepting what the other person is doing. In the latter case, even if you don't feel comfortable articulating why they are bothering you or violating your boundaries, you can say, "You know what? I would like to think about this. Can we regroup on it later? Something about this is not sitting right and I need to think about it." If they won't respect that, simply walk away.
MUCH easier said than done, but I take comfort from the notion that we are all works in progress. I know what to do, now, FINALLY, but I don't always do it. Baby steps... Good luck, OP. |
Anonymous
| If you notice yourself hesitating before saying yes, don't say yes. Don't let your kids hit you. Don't let anyone physically intimidate you. |
Anonymous
| I've suggested this before, because my husband has boundary issues and he swears by this book. Get the book called Boundaries. Read and reread it. It will help you get better at recognizing exactly when people are pushing the boundaries, and give you tools to deal with it. |
Anonymous
This. Probably the only time I would simply recommend a book, but for setting boundaries, books are almost the best tools out there. If you need hands on, there are also workbooks with boundary setting exercises. Also helpful when doing this with someone like a spouse in mind and you can do it together. |
Anonymous
I believe when you understand yourself, address issues you have once you come to that understanding, then work to remove those, you will naturally make adjustments. |
Anonymous
| Can you give us an example OP? I must set very clear boundaries because I truly can't think of an occasion where I have felt your frustration. I consider myself to be a generous and helpful person too. |
Anonymous
| NP. The reason I have trouble setting boundaries is that I am afraid if I don't accommodate my family and friends, they will like me less. Is that crazy? |
Anonymous
How about not agreeing to pick your sibling up at the airport at 1 am after you've worked a full week? Would you be okay telling her or him to cab it to your house? |
Anonymous
NP, also consider myself extremely generous. Yes absolutely. "I'm sorry David, that's just too late for me to be driving to the airport. I can leave you some snacks in the kitchen for when you arrive?" |
Anonymous
NP here. No, that's not crazy. I think that's the catch. Read posts on here where posters vilify family and friends who have set boundaries. When you set boundaries, you get accused of being selfish. At some point, though, you realize that accommodating those people doesn't necessarily ensure they won't find something else not to like about you. And then your frustration and resentment will go through the roof because you're realize you spent so much time trying to please and accommodate people only to find they don't appreciate it. In their defense, part of why they don't appreciate it is because they don't understand that you are *doing it for them.* At the end of the day, I think setting boundaries leads to greater happiness than trying to be liked at the expense of being a doormat. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but just curious how you'd handle this situation. These are the types that get me. I've committed to doing something that I'm okay with, but then I'm asked for extras and have no excuse for why I can't do them. SIL asks if you can babysit her kids on Friday night from 6-10 and you agree. Then a few days beforehand, she asks if the kids can stay overnight. You really don't want them overnight for various reasons, but she knows you're going to be home, so how would you say no? Saying "sorry, but I can't" is followed with questions as to why I can't. |
Anonymous
| The bottom line is that you just have to get comfortable saying no. I was a yes-woman for a long time. I have no issues saying no now. Try it on small things you know you won't feel bad about. Get comfortable with it. Then say no when you don't want to do something and you're worried about being questioned. "I don't want to" is a perfectly acceptable answer. If you don't want to say that, say you have things you needed to do around the house or errands to run and it's the only block of time you were able to carve out. Make something up. Who cares? If someone gets mad at YOU for not doing what THEY want, is it such a loss if they don't talk to you or ask you for favors anymore? |
Anonymous
"No, I'm sorry. Overnight won't work for me on Friday. I'm still happy to have them until 10pm or let me know if you'd prefer to get a different sitter who can stay overnight." |
Anonymous
You need to be okay with the thought that people might be mad at you. That's all. |