How to help a clingy kid?
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Anonymous
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DS will be turning 5 soon. He is very clingy with me. He goes to daycare and is social there and loves to play with his friends. But if I take him somewhere he clings to me and has a hard time separating from me. If I take him to a birthday party, he wants me to be by his side the whole time. If we have family stay with us he just wants me to play with him if I'm around. If I'm not around then he is happy to play with others. If I drop him off somewhere like at my parents' house he cries when I leave. He's not like this with DH. Sometimes I can get him distracted by something and move away from him when we're at somewhere like a birthday party, but other times he sees through it. I've tried talking to him in advance about what to expect once we get somewhere but sometimes it just makes it worse.
His daycare/camp has field trips this summer and I'm torn as to whether I should chaperone or not. He went on one already without me as a chaperone and did great and had an awesome time. I am able to attend the next one but am hesitant to do so because I want him to enjoy it without clinging to me, and I don't want to set the precedent that I will always be able to attend the field trips. I would love to be involved and help out but I don't want it to backfire. We do spend time together. I work part-time in the summer so we have lots of quality time together. But clinging to me didn't begin once the routine changed--he's always been like this. I want to help him be more independent, but I also don't want him to feel like I'm pushing him away. He has a fall birthday so he won't be starting Kindergarten until next year so we have some time to work on this. What are some things I can do to help him? |
Anonymous
| No advice, but I'm following because my daughter is similar. |
Anonymous
| As someone who had a clingy kid who didn't act differently when I wasn't around, I think you have a good start in that he's capable of holding it together when dad drops him off. I wouldn't chaperone field trips right now if he's better without you, and dad should do the birthday party drop offs for now. It sounds like he's in a habit of clinging to you when you're around, but I bet he will grow out of it as he matures and spends more time away from you(full time school). |
Anonymous
Isn't daycare typically more time away than elementary school? |
Anonymous
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My 4 year old is exactly the same. Does great when I am not around, but if I am, she literally does not leave my side, and if I need her to it's lots of tears and drama. She has been this way since birth, but I hoped it would be better by now. But, I try to give her chances to be on her own so she can learn to be a bit more independent.
If I were in your shoes OP, I would not go on the field trip since you know your child thrives more when you aren't around. I know that's not what you want, but it's probably for the best to give him extra opportunity to be on his own without you. From what I hear, only time makes clingy kids better. I was like this as a child too and grew out of it around 7 or 8 according to my mom. |
girljoe
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I think its good news that your son only demonstrates the clingy behavior with you and when he’s away from you he demonstrates that he has developed life skills. Good job, mom! You’ve taught him how to manage his own behavior! The tough part is that you don’t get to enjoy it when you’re together. Argh! One of the crosses mom’s bear is that our children behave better for other people than they do for us!
Based on the things you have said, I think your son might be extremely bonded to you and just hasn’t learned to be independent when you are around. Kind of like a separation issue. If this is the case he needs to learn to manage his behavior when you ARE around. Activities where he is forced to be independent while knowing you are present in the background may help. He needs to be confidant you are always there for him if he really needs you, but he also needs to be confident in his ability to not need you. The field trip might be a great opportunity. Talk to the teacher about your situation and see if you can go, but be responsible for children other than your son. Usually chaperones are assigned a small group of children. Have your son assigned to another mom. You will still be there, but he will not be allowed to cling to you. This will be difficult for him initially and he may fight it, but be strong and consistent. With practice he can learn to be bonded to you, but independent from you. Let us know what you decide and how it’s going. |