Stepfamilies/blended families/"bonusfamilies"

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[Post New]02/08/2008 18:29
DCurbanStepmom
Member Location: Mount Rainier
Offline
Hi all,

Just started searching around the forum for any threads related to blended families and was unsuccessful in finding any apart from a couple regarding divorce. I am a young stepmom (no kids "of my own" yet) and I often feel like I am between two worlds--I have my stepdaughter in mind when I make big-picture decisions but I am not a "real" parent day in and day out. (I'm using quotes a lot because I feel weird making a distinction; I think of my stepdaughter the same way I would think of my own child, but I'm also wary of claiming her as my own because she does also have a mom!)

I am in an online stepmoms community, which given me good insight at times, but I was hoping to hear from some local people who are in blended family situations--non-custodial, stepparents or otherwise non-traditional. What's funny is that I know quite a few people my age and older who are children of blended families, but not as many who are parents. Anyway, I know my stepdaughter is in a unique situation and I want to do right by her.

I'm not here to talk about babymamadrama or custody battles or deadbeat dads...just hoping to hear parenting experience from a blended family perspective. Anybody?
[Post New]02/08/2008 19:26
Anonymous
It is RARE for a child to bond to a woman who is not their biological mother unless the biological mother is deceased or long gone (adoption). Advice: be careful about how invested you become. I have TONS of friends who were step mothers (some now in their 70s) who feel rejected by the step children to whom they have devoted so much. I don't think that it is any more than evolutionary instinct on the child's part. Try not to compete with the mother. Be civil, live your own life.
[Post New]02/08/2008 19:39
Anonymous
Dear Step-mom,

Good for you! My husband's family is blended. His family calls it BONUS too. He has 3 bonus siblings and a bonus mom. I love his bonus mom. She is the most hands-on with us and treats our baby like a grandbaby. It's wonderful. My husband has younger half siblings too. Everyone gets along. Anyway, I wanted to tell you this works really well. The step mom has a great relationship with the children of both her husband's previous marriages. I think my explanation has gotten complicated. My point is that this is great. It's what's normal in this family and it works.
[Post New]02/08/2008 20:08
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:It is RARE for a child to bond to a woman who is not their biological mother unless the biological mother is deceased or long gone (adoption). Advice: be careful about how invested you become. I have TONS of friends who were step mothers (some now in their 70s) who feel rejected by the step children to whom they have devoted so much. I don't think that it is any more than evolutionary instinct on the child's part. Try not to compete with the mother. Be civil, live your own life.


What are you talking about?

I have a wonderful stepfather. He is as close to us as a biological parent.
[Post New]02/08/2008 20:20
Anonymous
I was talking about mothers not fathers. Yes, lots of folks will have differing opinions. All I can note are my friends experiences and my father's relationship with his step mother.
[Post New]02/08/2008 20:24
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:It is RARE for a child to bond to a woman who is not their biological mother unless the biological mother is deceased or long gone (adoption). Advice: be careful about how invested you become. I have TONS of friends who were step mothers (some now in their 70s) who feel rejected by the step children to whom they have devoted so much. I don't think that it is any more than evolutionary instinct on the child's part. Try not to compete with the mother. Be civil, live your own life.

what a crock of poop. you are the perfect example of why stepmoms are sometimes called stepmonstered. God help those poor children that have to deal with you and the man that married you should be ashamed of himself for putting someone like you in his childrens life.
[Post New]02/08/2008 21:35
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:It is RARE for a child to bond to a woman who is not their biological mother unless the biological mother is deceased or long gone (adoption). Advice: be careful about how invested you become. I have TONS of friends who were step mothers (some now in their 70s) who feel rejected by the step children to whom they have devoted so much. I don't think that it is any more than evolutionary instinct on the child's part. Try not to compete with the mother. Be civil, live your own life.


Wow, I have to say I'm taken aback by that statement too. For starters, what about aunts, grandmas, etc? They're not 'mom' but kids get bonded to them, right? And even non-biological bonds are strong, I can tell you my kids bonded very strongly to their nanny. Not related to them at all, never saw them as competing interests for their affection, they just loved her! It sounds like you may have a few skewed perspectives, but this isn't what I've observed with my own kids (bio and my kids with their dad's GF). I would hope anyone my ex brings into his life would want to bond with our child and take him under her wing. Definitely not just 'being civil' to him... that's so sad.
[Post New]02/08/2008 21:39
DCurbanStepmom
Member Location: Mount Rainier
Offline
hi again,

i don't blame the poster who had words of warning. i think it's natural for stepparents to feel unsure of their roles at first, and one way we may try to fit in is to try to be a substitute mother or father, when really that's not what we are...we're an additional parent, not a substitute for the biological parents, especially if those parents are still involved in the child's life (like they both are in my case).

so to that person: yes, i have encountered some bumps along the road in terms of my identity and i think sometimes i have run the risk of getting too invested. it's part of being a stepmom. but i don't try to compete with my SD's mother for her affection--i appreciate and validate the close bond she has with her mother, who has done a great job raising her. the way i see it, my job is to support the bond she has with her father, and to be an additional loving and supportive parent (and yes, definitely to live my own life!) ...my SD and i have a great relationship and value the time we spend together too.

anyway, my point previously was that i wasn't necessarily seeking personal support in terms of my role as a stepmom, but rather, perspective in terms of navigating a family lifestyle when your child has two (or more!) families. when you have a non-traditional family, you become more aware of, for example, children's books that portray a family simply as a mother, a father, and often, two or more full siblings. there aren't as many that mention blended families, or single parents, for that matter. but i know we are out there.
[Post New]02/08/2008 21:40
Anonymous
Not bad, just real. My kids "bonded" to their nanny too. They spent more time with her than with me. But when I came home it was all about mommy. When they were sick it was me they wanted. I have heard much criticism about women who hand their kids over to nannies to raise. Some have said that the kids end up closer to the nannies. I have never seen that happen in reality. The child comes back to its mother in the end.
I just don't think that we can fool ourselves. I could not love another woman's child the way I love my own. I think that the child instinctively knows this.
[Post New]02/08/2008 22:11
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Not bad, just real. My kids "bonded" to their nanny too. They spent more time with her than with me. But when I came home it was all about mommy. When they were sick it was me they wanted. I have heard much criticism about women who hand their kids over to nannies to raise. Some have said that the kids end up closer to the nannies. I have never seen that happen in reality. The child comes back to its mother in the end.
I just don't think that we can fool ourselves. I could not love another woman's child the way I love my own. I think that the child instinctively knows this.


Just because you have an experience with a nanny, doesn't qualify you to give advice about stepmothers.

One of my sisters is raising my other sisters children while she is stationed in the Persian Gulf. There was bonding there, and a real mother child relationship with the niece and nephew. It can be done.

My Aunt and Uncle had a blended family. My aunt passed recently, and from talking with her stepchildren, they felt as if they had lost their own mother. It was a real eye opener.
[Post New]02/08/2008 23:08
Anonymous
This may not be the type of advice that you are looking for either, but when you do have kids of your own, make sure that you and your husband, and to an extent his ex-wife have similar rules when the children are in your house. I am a child of divorce (my parents split up when i was 16, im 21 now) , with younger step-sibilings, and the number 1 problem i have with my stepmother is that things that she looks down on me for doing, she turns a blind eye towards when her children do it. I think all things need to be as equal as possible between the kids.

Also, i agree that its important to remember that you are not their mother, especially since they have functioning mother. Just try to be a grown up friend, don't parent/discipline too much at first, and remember that for kids of divorce, things don't 'get easier' as we get older...they just get different. Being a child of divorce is always difficult, and its been proven that kids don't just get over it after a few years.

Also, idk where you are located, but Susan Bilchick, of the National Family Resiliency Center in Rockville, has some great resoures/programs for blended families. Her number is 301-610-5666.

Hope at least some of this is helpful!
[Post New]02/09/2008 08:51
Anonymous
PP here. I just wanted to say my husband's step mom was the first here to meet her granddaughter. She was the first to volunteer to come for the birth of #2 too. And, SHE is the one we are really counting on for advice and help. It sounds like you are doing a great job being a mom.
[Post New]02/11/2008 16:00
DCurbanStepmom
Member Location: Mount Rainier
Offline
Anonymous wrote:This may not be the type of advice that you are looking for either, but when you do have kids of your own, make sure that you and your husband, and to an extent his ex-wife have similar rules when the children are in your house. I am a child of divorce (my parents split up when i was 16, im 21 now) , with younger step-sibilings, and the number 1 problem i have with my stepmother is that things that she looks down on me for doing, she turns a blind eye towards when her children do it. I think all things need to be as equal as possible between the kids.


thanks, i will do my best to try. i think what would require some adjustment is the "full-time" versus "part-time" aspect. my DH has (i think) about 80/20 custody (he being the 20) so i wouldn't be able to deny that something was different between the kids! but in terms of expectations, i would try to keep things level. that's a long way off but it's good to consider these things now.

Anonymous wrote:Also, i agree that its important to remember that you are not their mother, especially since they have functioning mother. Just try to be a grown up friend, don't parent/discipline too much at first, and remember that for kids of divorce, things don't 'get easier' as we get older...they just get different. Being a child of divorce is always difficult, and its been proven that kids don't just get over it after a few years.


my SD's case is a bit unusual in that she hasn't had to deal with a divorce--the breakup happened before she was born (and long before either of her parents met either of her stepparents) so she has always been a "two family" kid. some of the typical divorce issues are non-applicable (for example, she has always been fine with the idea of having stepparents; she never wanted her parents to get back together because she has no point of reference there). but either way it's not the same as a being "one family" kid. and you're right that things will change as she gets older; some things may improve but others may get more complicated. i am going to do my best to be there for her in whatever way i can.

Anonymous wrote:Also, idk where you are located, but Susan Bilchick, of the National Family Resiliency Center in Rockville, has some great resoures/programs for blended families. Her number is 301-610-5666.

Hope at least some of this is helpful!


thanks a lot for the resource, i will look into it! i am just so surprised about the forum...it can't be true that i am the only person on here with a blended family!
[Post New]02/11/2008 18:23
Anonymous
I just want to reply that even though your step-dd has never known her parents to be together (neither has mine, btw) they still end up wanting their parents to be together even if they love their step parents. It's one of the big sources of guilt that they have. They know that without the steps they wouldn't have new people that they love and maybe even siblings whom they love, but it's a very deep feeling. As they get older and realize other people's families children still fantasize about having their parents be together. It's normal.
[Post New]02/11/2008 18:26
Anonymous
Not all kids want their parents to be together, or back together.

My bro and I were SO RELIEVED when my parents finally split, and to this day we can't understand what took so long.

I fantasize about never having another conversation with EITHER parent about the other.
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