Really hard week with foster daughter
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Anonymous
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Since Memorial Day weekend, I thought we had really turned a corner with 9 yo foster daughter. Her tantrums were manageable and her emotions seemed a little more balanced. Prior to that, she felt like a top spinning out of control. There was slow progress, but it wasn't until around May that I really started to feellike we were turning a corner.
However the last week has been a resurgence of the old days. Tantrums all the time over everything. Really hard time listening and following directions. Argues about everything. Lots of lying, mostly when upset. And I am just so run down. I feel like our whole life is about managing her behavior. I keep trying to find the root cause of the shift and keep coming up empty handed. During calm times, I try to talk to her but she blocks me with silly behavior and other avoidance techniques. The therapist says to give her structure and boundaries which we do, but they seem to initially make it worse. (She has a tantrum over the consequence of not listening for example). Help? |
Anonymous
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Is it the transition to the summer schedule? Have you had her evaluated by a neuro-psychologist? There could be actual brain disorders there, such as ADHD or ODD, which would limit her progress in whatever abandonment issues she has. |
Anonymous
| I wish I had advice. Can I just say I'm sorry you're dealing with it? We're in the middle of an intra-state move and have had two weeks of delays and nonsense in getting our stuff. The kids will have to share a room for a year, and they're both in foul, tantrum-y moods over everything. It's a small thing in the big picture of their lives, but they're way out of whack over it. I imagine your foster dd has been through some stuff, and I could see how she'd be struggling in a new environment. You have my empathies. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for the support. I'm glad I'm not at it alone.
So I think I got faked out with the summer transition. The first weekend/week I was braced for it. I was like this is TRANSITION and I am ready. And it went so well. She loved camp and summer and everything. And then Friday, which was a week after school went out, things went to shit. So in my head I was like we already transitioned so beautifully, but in reality- maybe this is the transition I should have braced for...not the honeymoon school is out period, but the feelings that came after that. I will talk to her therapist about the neuro Eval, thank you for the idea. |
Anonymous
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Could it be that there's too much structure and too many boundaries? I have a 'difficult' 10 year old and she is a lot easier to cope with when we give her plenty of time to relax and lots of chances to make choices. She gets tired very easily. There are a lot of growth spurts at this age. Getting as much sleep as possible is important. Also, they need some control over their life. Is she allowed to make her own decisions on some things? Perhaps you need to experiment with ways of interacting with her. My two kids are very different - one responds well to structure and boundaries, the other really doesn't.
Well, good luck! |
Anonymous
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OP, I remember these days with my son. Tantruming. Hoarding. The only restaurants we could go to were sports bars and then only if there was a game so that our son was barely noticable because everyone has bad behavior in a sports bar. Violence toward his little brother. Intentional wetting himself.
A couple of things. I found that consequences didn't work and only made things worse so I didn't and still don't use them, except natural consequences. I don't necessarily save him from his own behavior. I believe things like lying come from fear - my son has been with us for almost 11 years and still lies if he thinks he's going to get in trouble. So, I never punish lies (but I don't punish anyway) and I make it safe for him as I force the truth out of him. Things that worked for us are these. Every single day, we wrote our schedule on a dry erase board so that my son knew exactly what to expect. If we were changing the schedule, we changed the dry erase board first. It was really detailed for months (maybe a year) and then we gradually weaned by using abbreviations or larger categories of activity. It's a pain but was really successful. Another thing is that we probably over explained what to expect for each situation so that he was never surprised and we could give him ideas about how to behave. We put a chair in the kitchen, which tends to be the center of activity in our house, that he could use when he needed a break. He could go there or we could suggest it and he could leave it anytime he felt ready. We also changed our home environment based on his needs. For example, we got rid of our kitchen table and put shelves in the space because he needed to learn to organize and not lose things. I got really good at identifying antecedent behaviors and cues because, in my experience, avoiding bad behavior and unsuccessful reactions was far better than dealing with the consequences and it provides teaching opportunities as well. We eventually turned the corner, but it was about a year and a half after he moved in. In fact, things got good enough that we got another kid. Good luck, OP and I hope things get better soon. |
LastAcorn99
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| Aww..my heart goes out to you, OP. Do you know if your DD faced any childhood trauma? I read somewhere that for kids who suffered early childhood, abuse, neglect, or trauma, misbehavior often conceals a subtle cry for help. If you fear this is the case, you may find some helpful resources by visiting the web site of The TCU Institute of Child Development at child.tcu.edu. |
Anonymous
| I'll just point out to you that there may be a traumaversary that you don't realize. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry. That sounds really hard for both of you. Bryan Post has some good ideas (as does Karyn Purvis) on this topic--here is a video on lying https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHlJEr4ebM0
A lot of their stuff is very Christian so if that's not your thing just ignore that and use what's helpful. |
Anonymous
| No specific advice but one thing that has helped me with my difficult child is remembering that progress is not always linear. I would feel betrayed by a behavior that came back after I thought it was gone and that made it worse. Usually the resurgence is brief, though. Maybe she is also feeling more comfortable and letting it all out more. Good luck. |
Anonymous
I agree with this---the year anniversary of our foster son's removal, which I didn't know was happening until I asked his caseworker about when he came into the system---was a rough time for us behavior wise. |
Anonymous
And don't forget that this week has been very hot and humid. My friend's kids were exhausted and cranky from their camp, all of a sudden, and they are well-adjusted bio-kids! Hang in there. |
Anonymous
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Maybe it's an extinction burst. When you are working on changing a child's behavior, they often will have a relapse of the old behavior right before they hit a breakthrough. You have to hold on and keep doing what you are doing.
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Anonymous
| 22:05 has great advice. Also-- don't discount the possibility of FASD if maternal substance abuse has been an issue. Lots of the behaviors you describe are FASD behaviors and not just trauma/attachment-based. If that's the case then you are dealing with a brain injury-- not merely emotional trauma. |
Anonymous
| How long do the tantrums get worse for after you instititute boundaries? Often the tantrums will get worse and then better (but be judicious in which boundaries you're enforcing and make sure your expectations are age appropriate). |