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appropriate gift or amount to spend on someone writing a recommendation??
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Anonymous
| Additionally, if this is a family friend, while a note of appreciation is always always appropriate, a gift sort of undermines the friendship aspect to me. Gifts among friends are spontaneous gestures or celebrations of events. Things that smack of "tit for tat" are more business-y. It would be like keeping too-careful track of who had whom over for dinner last, etc. In a true friendship there is an ebb and flow and mutuality that is just presumed to be appropriately balanced over time. A friend writes a recommendation because he or she is happy to do it. The idea is that you would probably do the same for them if the situation were reversed. But do say thank you -- in a note or otherwise -- because that is always important to do for any relationship. |
Anonymous
| I don't know about unethical, but if someone gave me a gift for writing a letter of recommendation, I'd definitely feel it was very tacky! It makes you look like a desperate social climber, trying to buy connections with people who have an in with the school. The proper thing to do is write a thank you letter or have your child write one if s/he is able. |
Anonymous
Oh, for heavens sake, so if someone brought you some flowers or a coffecake with a note after the fact, you would turn the offering down? |
Anonymous
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Actually, depending on the value of the flowers, I might be required to turn them down.... I would feel really creepy if someone gave me that coffee cake, even though I probably wouldn't figure out a way to turn it down gracefully.
A thank you note is in order. Nothing more and nothing less. Be sure to write the thank you note quickly, and make no reference to the "success of the rec" toward achieving your goal. |
Anonymous
In this case, are you referring to recommendations for your students or recommendations you offered to write for friends? I can't really imagine a friend being creeped out by a coffee cake. |
Anonymous
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10:23 PP here. I went a little overboard on my response. I said a gift would be tacky. Flowers (a simple bouquet, delivered by you and your child as opposed to a florist) or baked goods would be considered a gift, and I think that both would be a sweet gesture and appropriate, although not at all necessary. I'm still not comfortable with something like a spa certificate or case of wine. I think both make the sender look like she is desperate to impress the recommender, even if she is a close friend.
So, in response to OP's original question as to the appropriate amount to spend, I'd say somewhere between $0-10, and always coupled with a thank you note. |
zumbamama
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| I agree if it is a close friend, flowers or cake is harmless. Maybe bake her some muffins to eliminate the whole monetary issue. If it's just an acquaintance, it feels bribe-ish, in which case a thank you card feels the most appropriate IMO. |
Anonymous
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I agree that a thank you note is the only appropriate "gift". I am still reeling over the fact that someone sent a CASE of wine.
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Anonymous
| op here. thanks for responses. i am still shocked about some of the responses, as i always give gifts to everyone for everything and she is a family friend, so it never occurred to me that this would be wrong. however, i will take your advice into consideration as you all are have much more experience with this entire process than i do. thanks again! |