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Elementary School-Aged Kids
feeling like a failed parent
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Anonymous
| Our 18 year old went to college this year and now wants nothing to do with us. He hardly ever calls and when we call him it feels like he would rather get off the phone as quickly as possible. Asking him to visit is like pulling teeth. I thought we had a good relationship before he moved out but i'm wondering if it was an illusion. Anyone else have advice on how to handle it? or feel the same way. |
Anonymous
| I think this is completely normal. I am not speaking here as a parent (my son is only 2 years old) but as someone who did the same thing during college. I adore my parents, always have and always will. But I didn't give them the time of day in college - not intentionally and not even recognizing I did it until I got older. It is just that you are enjoying college and you know your parents will still be there when you're done with this experience - so you sometimes put the college-experience (and all that comes with it) before your parents. This is all part of growing up - you appreciate your parents more the older you get - but the college years probably don't reflect the height of your appreciation for the relationship with your parents. So hang in there - be patient and give him his space to go through this experience and be there when he needs you. You are not a failed parent in the least. |
Anonymous
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10:28 is so right.
I'm going to bungle this quote but, there is a bittersweet notion that parenting is the one job where your goal is to put yourself out of work someday. Take a -little- comfort in the fact that you've clearly raised a kid who has enough confidence to be independent. |
zumbamama
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I did the same thing when I went off to college. I was overwhelmed by the freedom and having too much fun to call home, to my parents' dismay. I distanced myself from my family, not because I didn't appreciate them, but because I was too preoccupied with everything going on at campus, and perhaps was not so considerate at the time. It wasn't until after I entered the workforce that I had new found appreciation for them!
Give it some time, he will come running to you when he needs help with something! |
Anonymous
| I'd feel like a failed parent if my son or daughter was calling me every day. I had a roommate like that and she called them all the time because she was having such a hard time adjusting. Pat yourself on your back that your son is independent enough he doesn't need to call you all the time. And he'll soon be more forthcoming - he's adjusting too! |
Anonymous
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I'm not sure how long ago these posters did the same thing but I think it's different today with email versus back when there was just the phone (and a shared phone, at least in dorms, at that!).
Did your son visit for the holidays and spring break? Have you sent a care package? It's true, we give them wings and then when they fly ... |
Anonymous
| No you haven't failed at all. You've done a great job! Your college age child now feels independent. In the age of texting, twittering, constant email, cell phone, it seems like you should be in constant contact. but remember the good old days when you went off to college and maybe touched base with your parents once a week for like a grudging 5 minutes? Just give him time. He's just learning how to separate and be a grown up. (I'm sure this will be very hard for me emotionally when our son heads off to college. We're not there yet). This sounds healthy, though hard for the parents, and good. |
Anonymous
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Yeah, we a lot of us were in college, one talked on the phone once a week with the parents because, except for letters, that's all there was. My teenager is talking less and less on a phone at all and doing much more texting, IMing, and Facebook.
Is your kid on Facebook and if so will he let you "friend" him? It's a good way to keep in touch with what kids are doing without being intrusive -- and you can comment occasionally on their "status" line or pictures they post. I understand that it hurts not to have adequate phone contact but maybe you can find other ways to keep in touch. Good luck, OP! I'll be facing this in a couple of years. |
Anonymous
| I have no idea how common this is, but I do know I will want more contact with my son when he goes off to school. Not daily, but maybe once a week. OP, do you also email? Maybe that form of communication is easier for him because he can decide when to respond. Phone is tricky. He may have friends around or be studying, etc. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Honestly, there is nothing wrong with this. I graduated not too long ago and I did the same thing to my parents. The first two years, you are so involved in college life and getting to know new people that you tend to forget about your surroundings. Once he gets to his later years in college, he'll start calling you more often. Don't worry. |
Anonymous
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Op here- Yes I do email him (he mentioned he prefers that). He usually sends me one sentence reply back. I do send him carepackages during exam times. First one he didn't even acknowledge. I had to ask if he even got it. He made it seem like he was doing me a favor by accepting the carepackage.
I thought twice about sending this second one but did it anyway but delivered it in person, and he managed to mumble a "thank you". Later received a one sentence email thanking us for delivering it in person. He did stay with us for breaks..but I think if his college dorms didn't close down he would've stayed back. Now with summer vacation coming, I am dreading having him home. I love his company, but it appears he would rather do anything other than hang out with us. It's good to hear others did the same. I also did the same but my parents were very abusive. I thought I did a lot better, so to see this reaction in him gives me shudders and makes me feel like I didn't do any better than my parents. I am really hoping it's a combination of age, being a boy and new life adjustment. I don't think I can manage his isolating from us too long. My husband and I get very sad when we think about how he treats or not treats us. Being a parent is tough. |
Anonymous
| Op, I feel your sadness, and have to hope that your son appreciates you eventually. I do think he's separating, and can't maintain a relationship with you, and explore all the new experiences/relationships he's embarking upon now. I think you have to give him space and let go a little. Try not to get so offended by his behavior. It's normal, even if it is unpleasant and makes you feel sad. You have a right to tell him how his behavior makes you feel, but you can't demand more attention from him. You are not going to get it. As long as you have been a loving parent, he'll return when he needs you. And I don't mean that in a self-absorbed way, but in the way a child grows up and suddenly realizes that parents are not there exclusively for him or her, but are people with interests and needs, talents and flaws. It will help not to expect too much from him. FWIW, my brother did the exact same thing when he went to college. I didn't, but I'm female, and I hated college, so I was on the phone to my parents all the time. It's probably a measure of your success that your child does not feel dependent upon you. I agree, being a parent is rough. |
Anonymous
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OP-I did the SAME thing when I went to college (15 years or so ago). I gave a weekly scheduled phone call but resented it. I simply wanted to call when I wanted to call and could not understand why my parents needed to speak to me all the time. I cringe now b/c once a week is nothing . . .
Anyhow, it is NORMAL. It hurts, I'm sure. But it is normal. I was enjoying myself, discovering myself, learning (and yes, partying). Don't press him too much as it might have the opposite effect. If he's being rude or deliberately hurtful, that's another thing and tell him so. Just one person's opinion. |
Anonymous
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OP, like many other posters, I did the same thing once I went to college. I cut my folks out and pretended they didn't exist and accidentally-on-purpose for got to acknowledge care packages.
And one I left college, and lived life a little more, I circled back in as an adult. It's nice to be an adult. My folks have told me they enjoy having me as a grown child. This is a hard transition for you guys, but I think a necessasry one. You did a good job! You are still doing a good job. The job description changed, that's all. |
Anonymous
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I felt a duty to speak regularly with my parents when I was a freshman, I never cut them out. It was not extreme. Once a week if that. I know several families with college freshmen, boys, and they're in touch by email. I hesitate sharing that because I don't want OP to feel badly. I am sure you will reconnect with your son. Maybe you could tell him that a little more contact would be nice? My son is only 12, so I can't advise from experience. Good luck!
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