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Need to vent re: "only child" comment
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Anonymous
| My DD is 2 and is an only child with very little chance of ever having a sibling. This is still a sensitive subject for me, as I have had 2 miscarriages in the past 8 months and will most likely not try again (we have to do IVF). When you see my 2-year old not sharing or crying because she can't have a toy that another child is playing with, please don't assume she doesn't want to share or doesn't know how to share because she doesn't have a sibling at home that she is forced to share with. She is 2. I see plenty of other 2-year olds with siblings who are going through the same thing. Every child goes through it, and I am doing my best to teach her to share with her friends on the playground, during playdates, at gym class, etc... The reason she doesn't want to share is because she is 2, not because she is an only child. If she's acting this way when she is 6, then maybe I'll buy into the "only child" syndrome theory. But in the meantime, please don't suggest that I need to have another baby so that my daughter will learn how to share. For one thing, it's not true, and for another, it's a very insensitive comment to make to someone when you have NO IDEA what's going on with them in terms of having another baby, wanting another baby, losing another baby(ies), etc....I know these comments are not made with the intention to be hurtful, but they do hurt and I'm just putting this out there because I know I am not alone, and that these comments are thrown around very freely. I hear them said to other women and wonder what they're thinking and if it hurts them as well. |
Anonymous
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I feel for you. People are so insensitive and clueless sometimes! I have 2 kids. Both hate to share. They fight all the time. Yes, it will probably help them negotiate down the line but maybe not! I am the third of four kids and I still hate sharing! I feel like I had to share everything all the time. I needed -- and still need-- some ME time, dammit!
Dont let it get u down. You're kid is going to do great with a mom like you. |
Anonymous
| People say very stupid things. About almost everything too. My son is 2 and can sometimes have a hard time sharing, he's an only child. Some people have a need to inflict their lives and thoughts onto others, ignore them. |
Anonymous
OP here. You're right, I should just ignore them, and I usually I do. Believe me, this is not the first time these types of comments have been made to me. I guess I'm just having a particularly rough day and needed to rant. Thanks for listening! 
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Anonymous
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sharing is not about having siblings or not.
it's about the child's nature and how the "caregiver" handles it. |
Anonymous
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amen, sister. my DS is 20 months. he is an only child. i am not going to explain to every asshole out there why he has no siblings. it's no one's business. i get tired of people telling me my son needs a little brother or sister. it's not true.
and i'm very sorry for your miscarriages. i've had two also. as much as i am in love with my DS, i still think about those lost babies. |
Anonymous
OP here. I'm sorry for your losses, too. It gets easier over time, but then when I hear comments like I did today it opens old wounds. 
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Anonymous
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Sorry for your loss, OP, and for the comments of insensitive people. I agree that being an only is in no way predictive of one's ability to share.
Inability to share is definitely based on child's age, but can be exacerbated by parents who spoil and generally give in to child's demands. Parents don't realize they are doing their child a tremendous disservice by giving in to their child's every wish. Sorry, this sort of veered off-topic, but I see it in some of my friends' kids and those kids are just so unpleasant to be around and generally unlikable. |
Anonymous
I'm an only child, and this is exactly right. Children are taught to share, and a child with siblings not taught to share won't. Also, people are idiots. Ignore the idiotic things they say. FWIW, I'm very, very happy, and I never wanted a sibling. I had plenty of friends and never had problems sharing. I ended up having two kids but could have been happy with one. The point is, your family is what you make it; don't be defensive or sad (although I of course understand how sad you must be about your losses) about having only one -- embrace it and enjoy the benefits. |
Anonymous
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My DH has four siblings. He is horrible at sharing. I think having all those siblings turned the house into a "take what is yours before someone else gets it" mentality.
I cannot believe people would comment on a 2-year old's ability to share. "Mine" is very key at that age. |
Anonymous
I'm in the same boat. What's worse is a friend or family member who knows your struggles and complains they have just one sex, or that they get pregnant so easily, like drinking water. It sucks! Looking for kindred spirits out there.... |
Anonymous
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I have a 2 year old "only". She shares freely. Never had an issue and therefore, I never had to "teach" her to share. Because of this, I feel that children are hard-wired from birth to be a certain way. I know parental/teacher influence helps teach a child how to handle situations, but for the most part, a kid is born to behave certain ways and most 2 year olds will probably go thru fits of shairng and not sharing.
And...my brother has 2 kids and neither of them share. So I definitely don't buy into the sibling teaches sharing argument. |
Anonymous
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I've struggled for years with infertility and it's amazing how many times I've been asked when I'm going to get pregnant, when I've going to give my children (I now have twins) a sibling, etc. It's insane to me that in this day and age that people are ignorant enough to realize that not everyone can plan a pregnancy and that it is NEVER, EVER appropriate to make suggestions about somebody else's family planning. Just last week I was checking out at the ob/gyn office (for an annual exam) and another OB in the practice stood behind the counter and yelled at me "when are you going to have another?" When I didn't answer, she pushed, "how old are your kids? Isnt' it time for another?" Little does she know I would give my left arm for another child and have done 3 failed IVF cycles in hopes of one.
My twins are 3 and if anything, having each other has made them more possessive of toys. This is one of my biggest stressors as a mom---I want my kids to be kind and giving and I feel like my twins have a very difficult time sharing anything. |
zumbamama
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| I have 3 kids over way over 2, and they still don't like to share! |
Anonymous
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That is crazy that anyone would say that. I'm so sorry you've had to hear such comments.
Not to mention, even if a 1st born 2 year old were to have a sibling, said sibling would still be too young at this point-- not like they would be sharing the same toys anyway! By this theory I guess if we all want our kids to learn to share, we need to have multiples. People can be so ignorant. |