Need to vent re: "only child" comment

[Anonymous]

My 22 month old wont share if he doesn't want to. I'm not sure a sibling his age would make any difference. I bet it would make it worse. So sorry you have to deal with that OP, people are morons sometimes.

[Anonymous]

My 4 year old shared better when he was 2 than he does now! I also get asked every once in a while when I am having #2 and I guess I have a good excuse b/c I am a single mother. But I rarely get asked and usually it is someone older asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sharing is not about having siblings or not.

it's about the child's nature and how the "caregiver" handles it.

I cannot believe people would comment on a 2-year old's ability to share. "Mine" is very key at that age.

I don't think it was a swipe at the 2yo. The swipe was at the OP's parenting skills.

We're working every day with our 20mo on sharing and taking turns. But yes, "mine" is very key right now and it's perfectly appropriate for his age, developmentally.

[Anonymous]

I hated my nursing boobs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 2 and is an only child with very little chance of ever having a sibling. This is still a sensitive subject for me, as I have had 2 miscarriages in the past 8 months and will most likely not try again (we have to do IVF). When you see my 2-year old not sharing or crying because she can't have a toy that another child is playing with, please don't assume she doesn't want to share or doesn't know how to share because she doesn't have a sibling at home that she is forced to share with. She is 2. I see plenty of other 2-year olds with siblings who are going through the same thing. Every child goes through it, and I am doing my best to teach her to share with her friends on the playground, during playdates, at gym class, etc... The reason she doesn't want to share is because she is 2, not because she is an only child. If she's acting this way when she is 6, then maybe I'll buy into the "only child" syndrome theory. But in the meantime, please don't suggest that I need to have another baby so that my daughter will learn how to share. For one thing, it's not true, and for another, it's a very insensitive comment to make to someone when you have NO IDEA what's going on with them in terms of having another baby, wanting another baby, losing another baby(ies), etc....I know these comments are not made with the intention to be hurtful, but they do hurt and I'm just putting this out there because I know I am not alone, and that these comments are thrown around very freely. I hear them said to other women and wonder what they're thinking and if it hurts them as well.

I'm sorry! My 3.5 year old had a serious sharing problem at 2...and guess what-- he's even worse now that his younger brother came along. It is a normal developmental thing- sibling or no sibling- to not be willing to share at 2. I feel for you. I was at dinner with a friend who has had several miscarriages and a molar pregnancy since her first child (she has been thru hell) and her good male work colleague after a couple drinks asked when she was going to get around to giving her first a sibling. He meant no harm, but was completely clueless. I was mortified for her. I immediately tried to coat over his remark, by saying 'way too personal'-- none of your business kind of thing and changed the subject for all. I delayed having his kids for many years after marriage and was always in disbelief in how many random ppl would ask when I was having kids--- even my own mother didn't ask that ?.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 2 and is an only child with very little chance of ever having a sibling. This is still a sensitive subject for me, as I have had 2 miscarriages in the past 8 months and will most likely not try again (we have to do IVF). When you see my 2-year old not sharing or crying because she can't have a toy that another child is playing with, please don't assume she doesn't want to share or doesn't know how to share because she doesn't have a sibling at home that she is forced to share with. She is 2. I see plenty of other 2-year olds with siblings who are going through the same thing. Every child goes through it, and I am doing my best to teach her to share with her friends on the playground, during playdates, at gym class, etc... The reason she doesn't want to share is because she is 2, not because she is an only child. If she's acting this way when she is 6, then maybe I'll buy into the "only child" syndrome theory. But in the meantime, please don't suggest that I need to have another baby so that my daughter will learn how to share. For one thing, it's not true, and for another, it's a very insensitive comment to make to someone when you have NO IDEA what's going on with them in terms of having another baby, wanting another baby, losing another baby(ies), etc....I know these comments are not made with the intention to be hurtful, but they do hurt and I'm just putting this out there because I know I am not alone, and that these comments are thrown around very freely. I hear them said to other women and wonder what they're thinking and if it hurts them as well.

I'm sorry! My 3.5 year old had a serious sharing problem at 2...and guess what-- he's even worse now that his younger brother came along. It is a normal developmental thing- sibling or no sibling- to not be willing to share at 2. I feel for you. I was at dinner with a friend who has had several miscarriages and a molar pregnancy since her first child (she has been thru hell) and her good male work colleague after a couple drinks asked when she was going to get around to giving her first a sibling. He meant no harm, but was completely clueless. I was mortified for her. I immediately tried to coat over his remark, by saying 'way too personal'-- none of your business kind of thing and changed the subject for all. I delayed having his kids for many years after marriage and was always in disbelief in how many random ppl would ask when I was having kids--- even my own mother didn't ask that ?.

that shouldn't have been 'his' kids typo.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's good to vent, but try also to grow a thicker skin. Unfortunately many people are not sensitive and you may here for a long time still comments about your DD being an only child. I know because I am an only child too, and I grew up in an environment where the norm was 3 kids, even 4. So, always me and parents heard comments such as "only one??? why only one????" I don't remember what my parents answered, but I think at some point i just started answering "i don't know" and "i didn't ask my parents this question" so that used to put an end to it. Any attempt to answer the question in any way just used to generate more...

As an only child, one comment I used to get is "Oh, you're an only child?!!!!! you don't seem like an only child", I guess i don't act like a conceited, selfish, egoistic, brat But being an only, does put a stamp on someone. As an only, my playmates were my parents, which made me feel more mature for my age - I always felt older than I was. I also need my space, on the good side, I can always entertain myself, I do not need someone to feel entertained. I read a lot as a child. This now translated into my work, I am usually taking initiative - a remnant I think of me sitting and thinking "what can I do now?"... So, there are positives and negatives like to everything else in life.

So, good luck, and just don't pay attention to other people.

[Anonymous]

OP: I'm in a similar position. We REALLY wanted more than one child. After years of stuggles, we had our DD who we couldn't love and appreciate more. Unfortunately, having another is not an option by no choice of our own based on a life threatening delivery. Our DD is under a year old so the whole realization that we can't have another and the memories of the delivery room are still very raw. I've gotten the comments such as...Ready for a second?....and hold back tears. I dread the day that someone makes reference to how my "choice" of one child is impacting my daughter.

People just don't think when they say things. Quite frankly, I look back to times when friends where struggling with infertility well before I became aware of my many "issues". There are so many things I would say/do differently now that I know how heartbreaking the whole process can be.

I'm sure your child is just awesome!

[Anonymous]

OP, I was an only child and I didn't share well -- it had nothing to do with not having siblings -- I just didn't like to share! Anyone who is making comments about you having another child is out of line. Even if your child WAS not sharing because of being an "only," it's none of their damn business! I feel really ticked off for you. I don't think you need to grow a thicker skin...I think you need to tell this person her opinion is not being solicited with respect to your family planning. Rude people need to be told they are rude, or else they'll just continue on with that kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

so sorry to hear about your loss..

I have similar situation and I just assume that those who comment on no sharing either have no kids, or have kids that share (theair problem or have no idea about children in general, developmental issues and you can not educate them all. period. so it is a waste of time.

as to your emotions.. the same, it is a waste as loosing it over each uneducated person who comments on the only child thing is just that.. there is more those came from so it isgood to develop immuity early..

other then that of course you know that most kids who do and did share before sibling came this is when they double stop sharing? so what is the stupid suggestion they have?

from my perspecitve each child is a being and I would not have second only to complete first in some way as to teach sharing or whatever.. I would have a second child for HIM or HER and it would most likely bring more problems in each of them but I find the people mentality just ill adjusted and they know squat for most part how a child feels and growes and how dynamics of siblings do develop anyways.

and so as just the many threre are who would comment, there are many of us who ignore and let go...

I also found a fourm on www.mothering.com on single child parents who can't or won't have any more and how they deal with people's comments and preassures. very helpful.



force be with you

[Anonymous]

if it helps, my daughter is also likely to be an only child (i have mixed feelings about that) and she's in daycare with a few kids who are a little older and farther along developmentally. i've noticed that the kids who have older siblings sometimes pick on her, probably like they're being picked on by their older siblings. They'll poke her and take away her toys. She couldn't care less - she just goes with it. I couldn't care less - at this age (she's 6 mos, they're up to about 16 months), kids do stuff like that and it doesn't hurt anybody. I figure she's getting the best of both worlds - she gets to see what it's like to have siblings, at daycare, but at home she has us all to herself.

Plenty of those kids with siblings don't know how to share, either - it really just seems to depend on the kid, or the stage they're in.

You may need more time to grieve over your miscarriages, (I'm sorry, by the way!) but at some point you need to start developing a thicker skin when it comes to your kid. People say a lot of stupid things and it's easiest just to let it roll off you and save the stress for really stressful things. I say this as someone who got pregnant accidentally by a guy I'd dated a short time, who then dumped me. You should have heard some of the things people felt comfortable saying to me during the pregnancy and after - "Do you know who the father is?" was surprisngly popular. I had a thick skin before; it's grown thicker. Now I am thrilled when people compliment my child and I think it's funny when they point out how chubby she is or how huge her head is. (she is, and it is.) If they criticize me for not breast-feeding or for having an epidural or something like that, I just don't f'ing care. She's my kid and she rocks.

good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP- I am on the flip side. I only have one child and I only WANT one child. But its amazing the things that people say to me. "Don't you think you owe it to your DD to give her a sibling?" or " You are still young, you have time to have more". Its like people think I am crazy for not wanting an entire brood of children.

I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult it has been for you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks again for all the kind words. But I have something I need to say to those of you who think I need to develop thicker skin. I am, according to those closest to me, a very strong person who has been through a lot (more that just the infertility and last two miscarriages I've mentioned here). I am venting here so that I don't lash out the people who make these comments to me and so I can go on trying to be strong. Even strong, thick-skinned people need to vent somewhere. And having thick skin doesn't mean I'm going to think what these clueless people are saying to me is "ok." It just means I won't burst into tears when they say it or feel compelled to explain my situation of infertility and pregnancy losses to them to make them feel bad for their comments. This last instance of insensitive comments about my only child was certainly not the first time I've had things like this said to me. And all the times before I've just gone along with what was bering said and not said anything. So what's not "thick-skinned" about that?